Happy Mother’s Day, friends. Click a flower on the left column first, and then the corresponding one on the right.
And here’s to every woman that ever found herself enveloped, chewed-up, spit out and totally in love with her kids.
Q.Has Renny really seen CSI:Miami?
No.
Q: How about Silence of the Lambs?
No.
Q.Do you really call him Fat Bastard?
No.
Q.Are you really mad at Karin?
No.
Q. Did the cat really chew butter?
Yeah. He loves butter.
A reader here recommended this topic for our next “Lemme ask you.”
I took you up on it and put it over at Parenting Post, along with Ren’s latest video installment.
She was a great Horatio. But wait’ll you see her Hannibal.
So pop on over and tell me what’s the damndest thing you never thought YOU’D say
–>
Oh, and if you’re the one who suggested the topic, drop me an e-mail with your address and I’ll get you out a little prize.
I generally try to avoid trends — except for the trend in mothers to be forgetful and late. That one I follow. Or the one about the too much mac-and-cheese. Oh! And I definitely like being trendy when it comes to letting my kids watch too much television, too.
But when it comes to Internet trends, generally, I’m no good at them. I mess them up.
Which is exactly what I did when I dared to load Twitter myself. My sidebar looked like it had impacted a pylon at 60+mph.
But then Justin straightened it out, and now here I am. Twittering. It’s on the sidebar under “all a-Twitter” and it’s a way that I can post in short bursts throughout the day. So I’m going to try it for a while and see how it goes.
But I WILL NOT carry a purse. Or get regular pedicures.
Ellie: I can’t believe Ren took your keys. You have to keep those hidden.
DaMomma: Yeah, I should have figured that out sooner, huh?
(Peep! Peep!!)
Ellie: Didn’t Mare take your engagement ring, once?
DaMomma: Yeah, her little Farmer Brown toy had it. On his head.
(Peep! Peep!!)
… it was missing for, like, three days.
(Peep! Peep!!)
El? Hon? Is that the –?
Ellie: Yeah. Yeah. That’s them. A half dozen fuzzy little chicks. Pretty soon we’re going to have eggs. Six. Eggs. A day. Apparently.
(Peep! Peep!!)
DaMomma: I hope you like omlettes.
Ellie: They AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK
DaMomma: El?
Ellie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE LEARNING TO FLY.
DaMomma: Soon — (Peep! Peep!!) — they will learn to peck.
Ellie: AAAAEEEEEEEEEEK NO FINNY DO NOT GRAB THEM BY THE HEAD!!
DaMomma: Ell, tell me honestly - did you ever think this would be your life?
(Peep! Peep!!)
La Casa Loony Tunes
DaMomma: No, really, we’re ready to go. We’ll swing by Sunbeam’s house, pick her up, shoot over to the school and get Mare, get you and we’ll be on the road.
Cute Husband: (Dubious) Okay. So you’re leaving now?
DaMomma: Yeah, as soon as I find my keys.
DaMomma: You have them, don’t you?
Roodle: You keys? — Oh yeah, I took dem. I keep dem for you.
DaMomma: That’s soooo good sweetheart. Can you tell Momma where? Honey? Can you tell me?
Roodle: Sure, Momma!! Follow me! (Trot, trot. Stop.) Momma. I fahgit where. I sorry.
(Two hours later)
Sunbeam: Wow. You’re late. I mean, you know, you’re usually late, but today you’re –
DaMomma: Get in the damn car.
Sunbeam: Hi, Renny, I missed you!!!
Roodle: Hi, Miss Sunbeam WHERE MAH CHOCKIT?????
DaMomma: Three chicken nugget happy meals, two milks, one water, one Number 3 with Diet Coke, one Number …
‘Donalds Unknown Mic-Boy Anouncer Speaking Succinctly: Okay that was two Happy Meals?
DaMomma: Three. Three Happy Meals. Two milks, one water …
DUMBASS: So that’s four milks and two waters?
DaMomma: No. No. Starting all over again. Three Happy Meals. Two milks, one water.
DUMBASS: The Happy Meals come with drinks, so do you want the milks in addition to that?
DaMomma: Am I on camera?
DUMBASS: Three milks and a water?
DaMomma: Two milks. One water, those are our choices to go with the Happy Meals.
DUMBASS: That will be $7.99.
DaMomma: WAIT!! I also want a Number 3 with Diet Coke, and a Number …
DUMBASS: You want that with the Happy Meals?
DaMomma: As opposed to what?
Roodle: I WANT MAH FWENCH FWIES!
Sunbeam: Renny, I want you to say ‘please.’
Mare: When will we get there?
Car Rig Assisting Containment of Karoodle: (Opening Theme for the Princess Diaries)
Mare: Will we get there soon? Can I wear my pink dress?
Roodle: SUMBEAM I WAHNT MAH FWIES.
DaMomma (on the cell phone): Yeah, so, we’re running. You know, a little on the late side.
Emily: Well, we have a room for you at the Gorgeous Country Inn … I hope you don’t hit traffic.
Sunbeam: SAY PLEASE!
DaMomma: (Looking out the window at the pretty parking lot that is the Massachusetts Turnpike at that precise moment.) Oh. What are the chances of that?
CRACK: “I can’t believe it’s been five years since Grandma told me I was a princess!”
Mare: I’m a princess, too, right? Momma, all girls are princesses. Momma, will we have pancakes tomorrow?
Roodle: PWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE.
Emily: Good luck.
DaMomma: Oh, yeah, like that helps.
CRACK: (The entire Empire, singing at Princess Mia’s party): Genovia! Genovia!! The land I call my home!
Mare and Ren:Forever will your banner waaaaaave!!
Cute Husband: Sure. A mini-van with DVD is cool. But until it comes equipped with a mini-bar, they won’t really have solved the whole problem.
(At the Gorgeous Country Inn, the girls are in the pretty white tub.)
Mare: We’re mermaids! The dolphins are coming Renny to get us.
Miss Sunbeam: We can use these cups to make a waterfall!
DaMomma: Your dresses are in the closet. Your nightgowns are on the cots. Benadryl, Tylenol on the shelf. Toothbrushes here … pull ups for Ren for nighttime.
Miss Sunbeam: Are you still here?
Ren: Bye Momma.
Mare: Bye.
DaMomma: Bye. Um. Love you? We’re right next door. Like. Call us. If you. You know. Need anything.
Miss Sunbeam: Yeah, we totally will … look out here comes the waterfall!!!!
Mare and Ren: AHHHHHCK!!!
(A small basement bar, with a guitar player and good wine. An actual grown-up-evening-out, my brother and me and our spouses.)
DaMomma: Here’s your share of Ducky’s art. You have three pen-and-inks and the one oil.
Brudder: I don’t get this one.
DaMomma: I know, it’s subtle. And it’s the 1940’s
We’re in a beautiful country church. Matt — the dreamy golden boy with the big green eyes — is seated with his First Communion class. I have wrangled Ren into some relative state of calm. She’s sitting on my knees, leaning over my back to make faces at her Daddy, seated a few rows behind.
She’s blowing kisses, and I am thankful that Cute Husband is distracting her so I can watch the Boy, nervous and excited in his little blue suit.
But as I glance back at Renny, who is sticking her tongue out and making exquisitely grotesque faces, I am thinking I should maybe see if he could tone it down a little and that’s when Renny whispers really loudly: “You come to my house aftah? You come play?”
That’s when I turn to look behind me and see that Ren has been making faces at complete strangers, several rows of them, and they look more than a little irritated. Among the sea of stern expressions Cute Husband is frantically signalling me to SHUT THAT DAMN KID UP.
The Fabulous Dr. Smarty, My Sister in Law: I’m Dr. Smarty, and I still don’t get it.
DaMomma: Well, Dr. Smarty, perhaps my literary bent helps — this is a political cartoon Ducky wrote when spotlights were just becoming common and fashionable, and she disapproved of them. The thing holding the sign is an earthworm. And back then, the occult was seen as something sort of freakish and dark. So … get it?
(As the Communion takes place)
Renny: I WANT A CRACKER!! I WANNNNNNA CRACKER HOW COME I DON’T GET A CRACKER WAAAAAA???????????????
Dr. Smarty: Ooooo … I see. That was before Goth.
DaMomma: When wit was oh-so-dry and piercings scandalous.
Dr. Smarty: And worms, apparently, roamed the Earth. With placards.
The New Communicants, glowing and proud, our Boy among them. Mary is okay with not Receiving, we talked about that on the way over. She does, however, think I missed a critical piece of information.
“Momma,” she hisses. “How come no one told me we could wear veils??”
DaMomma: Thanks so much for coming.
Sunbeam: It was a blast. But I don’t think Renny should eat McDonald’s again.
DaMomma: Yeah. I’m sorry about that. I really didn’t know she could poop like that. And on my night off.
Sunbeam: It’s okay.
DaMomma: And next time? — We’ll try to give you a head’s up before we take you to a Little League game in 50 degree weather.
Sunbeam: No problem. Thanks for the new sweatshirt, it’s nice.
DaMomma: No problem.
On May 1, 2008 I sent an e-mail to my friend Karin requesting her permission to write the below post.
After several hours of politely waiting for a response, I published without her. I sent her a snide e-mail calling her nasty names and telling her to stop cheating on me with all her cool friends in Connecticut whose shoes probably match their bags.
This morning Karin informed me that I am the dumbass who entered her e-mail incorrectly. She demanded a public retraction and apology.
I am not going to give her one, and I thought you all should know.
From: Ellie
To: DaMomma; Karin
Subject: This morning…..
Okay - I can see how writing a blog may be therapeutic … but since I don’t have a blog I just had to share this morning, in the spirit of Liz having some, er, difficulties getting to school on time.
Yesterday there was a polite but terse little note in Greta’s cubby that said: “This is just a friendly reminder that school starts at 9:00am. Circle time starts at 9:30am. Please try and have Greta here for circle time as we discuss our plans for the day and it can be disruptive to the rest of the class when kids come in late. Thanks so much!!!”
Now, we come stumbling in to school about 9:35am every day. No matter what I do I can’t seem to improve upon this…. so I decided to be proud that I can even accomplish even that, and had resigned myself to this fate until I got this little note-bomb. So last night I was determined to get her to school by 9:30 (not 9am - what do they think I am, Superman?)
This is how the morning went:
8 a.m. - wake up late.
8:05 a.m. - OMG there’s no coffee. Settle for herbal tea.
8:10 a.m. - Kids eating breakfast, go upstairs and pick out their outfits in highly organized fashion.
8:25 a.m. - Dress Finn. Experience not unlike trying to put a pissed-off octopus into fishnet stockings.
8:30 a.m. - Finn is dressed, except for shoes, of which he has 4 pairs. Cannot find any.
8:31 a.m. - Give Greta her outfit to put on herself (compliment self on saving time by picking it out for her and saving about 1 million hours not waiting while she tries everything on).
8:32 a.m. - Prepare lunches. Chicken nuggets, fruit and pretzel goldfish for both. Compliment self on representing most of the food groups.
8:35 a.m. - Responding to Greta’s plea of “Mom - please give me NINE pretzel goldfish. Yesterday you gave me ten and I couldn’t eat them all.” Unpack goldfish, count out nine and repack lunch. Compliment self on not making a big deal out of this.
8:37 a.m. - Greta is dressed, except for shoes, but she insists on wearing the brown shoes with the flowers and can only find one. Curse self for not picking out shoes in advance.
8:50 a.m. - Find missing shoe. Greta is dressed.
8:51 a.m. - Realize have lost track of 2 year old. Take sip of herbal tea for strength and spit it out onto the floor. Finn has, at some point, put about an inch and a half of sugar into tea.
8:55 a.m. - Locate Finn. He is naked. Re-dress Finn and relive octopus experience.
8:57 a.m. - Realize Finn’s shoes are in the car because he always takes them off when we drive. Retrieve shoes from car and put them on Finn.
9:00 a.m. - Pack bookbag for Greta. Search for Phanty, the Elephant Webkin (”He misses me, Momma - he’s sad - he just HAS to come to school with me today”).
9:05 a.m. - Locate elephant. Bookbag packed. Extract Greta from behind the chair where she is hiding because she doesn’t want to go to school today. (”I NEVER go to school on Thursdays, Momma!” Tell her its Fridays she doesn’t go to school. Continue this discussion for remainder of morning).
9:06 a.m. - Finn poops. I mean REALLY poops. If it was average smell coming off of him would pretend not to notice and drop him off anyway, but no way to feign innocence due to unbelieveable stench. Change Finn and redress octopus.
9:21 a.m. - Everyone is in the car - we’re going to make it! Realize I’m in my pajama bottoms and slippers and look like crazy person. Decide I don’t care.
9:25 a.m. - Almost to school and realize we forgot Finn’s blanket - without which he cannot nap. Go back to get blanket (thanking God we’re only 3 mins from the school).
9:30 a.m. - Pull into parking lot with seconds to spare. Finn has removed shoes and socks and strewn them about the car. Locate shoes and socks, put back on Finn.
9:32 a.m. - Scramble into school. Teacher chirps “Greta! Good morning! You’re just in time for circle!!!” — Thank God for small miracles.
9:33 a.m. - Look adoringly at Greta for teacher’s benefit, and say “Have a wonderful day, sweetie! I loooooove youuuuu!” Greta rolls eyes.
9:38 a.m. - Home again. House looks like bomb went off. Don’t care because have bought large coffee on the way home.
From: Karin
To: Ellie; DaMomma
Subject: This morning…..
Ellie, pack your lunches the night before. It can make you famous.
Thank you for responding to my question on Miley Cyrus.
I admit to having a very strong personal reaction to the Vanity Fair shoot and was interested to see where I was in the spectrum. I read all of your comments and appreciated the time you took to vote and add to the conversation.
One person I know who also had a very strong reaction to the Vanity Fair photos was my friend Scott Hampton. He has devoted his lifeswork to fighting violence, particularly against women and children. Yesterday he showed the Cyrus photos to men in his sexual offenders group and asked them what they thought.
Their reactions, my interview with Scott, and my take on the Cyrus photos are the subject of this week’s Parenting Post .
I’ll be interested to hear your views.
Well, I can tell who among you watches CSI Miami. But do you eat gummy bears?
For those of you who don’t, my last post might be hard to follow. By way of clarification, I offer you this video:
