I look like hell.
Although I am apparently looking better than I was. One of Ren’s teachers remarked to me last week that Eden is finally looking older and I am looking younger. As Eden’s health stabilizes some of my gray gaunt expression has warmed.
But there are dark circles under my eyes.
Eden is still not sleeping through the night. In fact, she is up on average, three times per night to nurse, or about every two to three hours.
In other words, I’ve been on a newborn schedule for about a year. I haven’t completed a REM cycle since just after the end of the Bush Administration.
I get a lot of grief for this — you mothers know, we get a lot of grief for everything. I am asked for the Sleep Report by people who think that I should be looking more rested by now. Some of them are generous, others critical.
Take care of yourself, they say. You work now, you can’t do this.
That is the problem, of course. I work now. I work full time with part time day care for Ren and only four hours per week for Eden. Eden is a pro at going to meetings, playing quietly with toys while I take notes and try to ask insightful questions to make up for the fact there’s a baby with me.
She has gotten used to nursing while I bang away on the laptop behind her head, to eating in her high chair while I read through notes or get a meal made.
Eden has figured out that if she wants to get on my schedule, 2 a.m. is her best bet. At that hour, there’s no laptop. It’s just her and me under the covers. I rub her baby down hair between my fingers while she feeds. I carry her back to her bed, her legs hang limply over my arm. She sucks her thumb and nuzzles against my chest. We always stand there a minute before I put her down, just rocking, her and me. When I set her down, she brings her legs up under herself and is instantly asleep.
“How can you do it?” people ask. “How are you still getting up every two hours?” My wise-ass response comes straight from Men in Black — “You get used to it. Or you suffer a psychotic episode.”
My straight answer is that some day she will be thirty. Some day, God willing, I’ll get an ungodly-hour phone call and arrive just in time to see her greet her own baby, and maybe I will watch her hold her baby close, comforting him or her, despite how beat up and tired and overwhelmed she is.
She’ll know how to do it because it was done for her.
And I’ll think back to that crazy year I spent working, not-sleeping, barely keeping all the pieces together. And I think I’ll think it was a pretty small price to pay, the exhaustion.
I am there. I am THERE. And oh, with this being my third too, I am TIRED. But oh, it’s a small price to pay, as you said…
I get so annoyed at the “you need to put him on a schedule, blah, blah, blah, stop nursing, blah, blah, blah, he’d sleep better if you let him cry it out… BLAHDEBLAHBLAH!” Let me mother my kids in peace. I didn’t solicit advice from you, you asked. Now leave me alone.
Hugs to you. You’re in the trenches, and as a working mother? you’re in deep. But you’re not alone.
Thanks, Jen. Sometimes I think of that Marine Corps recruiting poster: We never promised you a rose garden.
It’s the trenches, it’s damned hard, and it’s what we signed on for.
you rock. I’ve been following your blog for 4 years, since I was pregnant with my first, and you’ve never ceased to amaze me.
keep it up!
Thanks, Meagan! This made me smile.
Beautiful post. Even though the whole point of your post is about how hard it is, the nightly feedings, the chaos – all I have to read is words like “baby down hair” and “nuzzled” and I get that I-want-a-baby ache.
And it’s true – I don’t know how you do it all, but you do, and I think you completely rock. I tried the second option in your post title and it didn’t work too well. The first one is a much better way to go. Although if you do go the Psychotic Episode route, someone will feed you and you’ll get plenty of sleep. Three hots and a cot, as they say. I’m just sayin.
OMG!! Too funny. I think this sometimes — if I had a nervous breakdown … do you think they’d let me sleep for a while?
As a working mum, the middle of the night nursings were bitter-sweet. I was exhausted but they were our alone time. Our reconnection. Just me and my baby snuggling in the quiet darkness. I was sad when she weaned at 15 months. More rested, but sad none the less…
As my sainted mother says “you won’t get a good nights sleep until they get married.” I think she is right. It’s been a year since Jasper was born and I haven’t slept through the night. My REM is all screwed up and I have named the luggage that lives under my eyes… but you push through and it becomes the new normal.
Some days are better than others and I seem to do the dance with the crazy, but you get up and toss some mascara and lip gloss on to hide the mess and hope to god when you leave the house it’s with your knickers UNDER your pants.
I get this. Or rather, I am not that far out from this that I still get it. My REM cycles are slowly being revisited, and I am remembering that I *can* go to sleep at night, finally. And you know, I do not regret one single instant of the seven years of wakefulness, because, as you say, I may be able to watch them sleeplessly comfort their children one day, because it was done for them. And my heart is, and will be, happy.
Beautiful words. Thank you.
When my first one slept through the night for the first time, she was 15 or 16 months old and I woke up in panic to see if se was still breathing. We’ll see what happens with the second one coming next month, but my sleep expectations are not really high.
Oh, I have so been there. I don’t think my daughter (she’s 7 now) slept through the night until she was 15 months old. I was exhausted that first year.
So true and so sweet! Thanks for the wonderful post!
You do get used to it, and 2-3 times a night isn’t so bad. Shay’s still at the 4+ stage, sometimes nursing every hour! People ask how I do it, too… And my answer is always ” What’s the alternative? “
Oh, you are not alone! Ella only slept for 20 minutes at a time the first year of her life. So so so hard but in the end? So worth it.
I will never regret the times Noelle wakes up in the middle of the night and we rock and snuggle…no matter how tired I am.
I am certain you do not look like hell – you’re too beautiful for that. As you said, this too will pass and you will get to sleep again… eventually. I am not a mother, but this is how life works for many a challenge. Keep up the excellent work. All of us are rooting for you!
I didn’t think it was possible for moms to go so long without rem sleep until this year. Thanks for putting into words the desperation, wonder, enjoyment and pride that happens when you are doing your job the only way you can. The right way is not always the easy way. You are doing such a great job! You are younger and more beautiful than you know!
In other words….this too shall pass. You do what you do and let others worry about themselves! You’re such a good mommy
Lord you can write! Speaking as someone who had three in three years and then one after three years (she felt like my first- I was so nervous) I never realised how exhausted iwas until I wasn’t any more. My first was born early November and I remember thinking that when Christmas comes he’ll be six weeks and I’ll be used to him and know what to do!!!! He turns 28 this year and i swear that sometimes feels like last year
You are amazing! My daughter will be 2 in April and even thinking about the first couple months of her life I almost have a breakdown. We were insanely lucky, she slept through the night for the first time at 8 weeks and it wasn’t always regular but she seemed to know when mommy needed some extra sleep.
The sleep thing is actually the main reason I’m hesitant about having another, I have realized I’m just not a pleasant person when I don’t rest. I can still be mommy, but heaven help anyone else who crosses my path.
I hate that! Why do people think that books are right? I actually tossed most of my books, just because they only made me feel bad. My kids are fine, healthy, and I am tired, but that will pass. Keep it up!
Ah, sleep. I totally get the 2am bonding thing. In my case, it’s really hard to resent the getting up thing when the little bundle of trouble is just so darn-freaking-happy to see you. Also, she’s a really great heat generater.
I don’t know if you’ve already done these, but…
can you sleep while she feeds? As in, start her in her crib, but then at first waking bring her to your bed and keep her there? Can you nurse lying down? This was a sanity savor for me. Though, this may bring on weird vampire dreams.
(Not enough room for the baby? Throw the bigs out. Well maybe make Ren sleep on the floor. You’ll probably want an eye on her. Or lock up the paint. And remember, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve cleaned your floor, it’s got to be more sanitary than camping, so don’t use THAT as an excuse.)
Can she give up one feeding? Just the 2am one, so you get a longer stretch?
Make cute husband do a feed? (Assuming a pump’s available?)
If all else fails, sleep during the day, work at night. This may be easier if you find some bat DNA. Mare may find some adjustment difficulties, but I have a feeling Ren’ll be into it.
Oh, and if all else fails, I hear hemmaroid ointment will clear up those bags lickity-split, and more cheaply than those specialty cosmetics. Course, I personally don’t know anyone whose done this, so, you know, let me know if it works;)
I completely understand. My sixteen month old son is only now starting to get a handle sleeping through the night. But if there is any issue (ie, teething, snotty nose, brother is breathing too loudly) he’s up and we get to spend some quality time together. Hang in there. And the next time someone gives you unsolicited advice, stick a sugar spoon in their eye for me.
Sleep…sleep…I know I have heard that word somewhere.
Do you ever look at a photo of yourself around baby number 1 and think “oh I look so young!”
Third child here too, severe reflux for his first 16 months and at 19 months is still very underweight. I feed all.night.long. I do kinda miss being able to function well. If I was not able to laugh at it all I think I would be in a very scary place.
Wait . . . this isn’t the Marines?? Crap, and I got the buzz cut and everything . . .
It does feel like boot camp though. Especially those first years. Yeah, I never thought of that analogy – boot camp is the PERFECT analogy. God love ‘em
Words can’t thank you enough for the perspective you share here. I am about a month away from my first experience of this, and last week as I went through a panic about how soon it’s coming, I repeated to myself, “motherhood is not for wimps.” It’s these kinds of stories that remind me that I’ve signed up for a lifetime commitment. I can see from all the commenters that what you share is so normal, and I can imagine combing this site for the stories that have comforted and reassured me even before he makes his appearance. This is clearly one of them.
This is the Marines. Unfortunately, the baby is the Drill Sargent.
In my neck of the woods, there’s always so much to do, and Baby Girl always gets worked around it – Naptime vs. School Dismissal vs. Giant Mound of Laundry. I sometimes have to force myself to stop doing what I’m doing and sit with the baby and a cup of coffee for a few minutes. I can’t understand how it is that I’m with her all day and still feel like she’s the one that gets the least of me.
There was a period of time when my then almost-3-yr-old was doing the middle of the night thing. I thought it might be do to a Mommy-time Deficiency, so I did a couple of ‘sleepovers’ in his room. I can’t remember exactly how it worked, but it certainly made me feel less guilty
Definitely don’t go the Psychotic Break route. I don’t know what I’d do if you had to stop blogging during your commitment.
When I read this I thought “You are a Goddess!” You are, the love comes shining through this post so clearly, and it is so hard sometimes to reach that, in the middle of the trenches. I have just two at this time, still reeling from all of it although life is good.
my eldest child turns 31 next Sunday. I am still tired!
Thank you so much for this!! My youngest is 9 mos and still getting up to nurse several times a night. I believe exactly as you do but once in awhile I need to see other moms are going through the same thing
I think that Marine Corp poster should be in every labour and delivery room. Srsly.
This post took me back to all the silly things people say when they think they are helping, but really, you know they just don’t get it. I had forgotten those days (though these days, the silly people say to me “Just take a few Advil for your headaches, that always works for me.” I’ve had chronic daily headache for four freaking years – these people REALLY think I have never tried advil? Duh.
off topic, sorry. People say stoopid shit. I’m glad that you know just how stoopid it is.
In Canada today it is Family Day, so this post was spot on.
My second child did not sleep through the night until he was 3.5. Every night it was the same–he’d come get me around 2 or 3, and we’d spend the rest of the night snuggling on the couch downstairs. People thought I was insane (I was working full time and was the sole income). My theory was, and is, that contended babies who do not need anything sleep through the night. A child who does not sleep through the night is waking b/c he needs something, and I will provide that something until he no longer needs it. My little one is 7 now, and I have never regretted for one instant the exhaustion of the first half of his life.
My daughter is three and has maybe slept through a dozen times in her entire life. And really, I can’t remember the last time she slept through, it’s probably been months, maybe longer. She isn’t up for “long” mostly enough time to get in our bed..but it’s still tiring not sleeping through the night.
Number 2 on his/her way… this one better be a sleeper or it’s getting a “return to sender” stamp on it’s butt!!
You are doing what you need to do for Eden. And in a way, for yourself. Nursing her in the night won’t be forever and when she’s done breastfeeding, you will miss it. I know you will because though my boobs still cringe at the mere whisper of a touch from anyone or anything, precious memories cause me to long for those crazy ass nights with my last baby.
Babies know. They are greedy for our love and affection. They crave mama’s milk not for the nutrition but for that 2am sigh of contentment when they latch on, rest their tiny hand on our breast and snuggle close.
And it is all totally worth losing your mind.
I laughed at the “try to ask insightful questions to make up for the fact there’s a baby with me.” I work from home with an 8 month old, and I need to take business calls and periodically go on research trips, all with the baby in tow. Luckily most of my contacts have known me for years and don’t bat an eyelash, but when I have to meet a new contact for the first time… Yes, please meet my red-headed secretary, he’ll, um, drool on, I mean, take notes while we speak.
It is hard, but so, so worth it.
Love this!! I was wondering how you did it all… I just started teaching at a nearby college part time (two sections a week of the same class) and am loving the juggling. Even if it feels a bit like I am hanging on for dear life sometimes! Good for you for doing what works for you and Eden. Sleep is overrated, that is what coffee is for!
I can relate – my 3rd, a boy after 2 girls, who by the way both slept through the night before they were 2 months old, was on a different schedule. I wasn’t working,at least not outside the home, but my girls were 2 & 3 an my days were spent caring for them – and the newborn. He too seemed to realize that night was the best time to have me to myself – he was up 3-4 times a night, and did not sleep through until after his 3rd birthday – and neither did I!!!! It made for many nerve-frazzling days in our house. Thanks for sharing – makes the rest of realize we are not alone in what we go through – I wish I had had your words to help me when my 3 were younger (they are 14, 13 & 11 now), but I love reading about your experiences.
You said it – and for those who do not understand, they haven’t been there…this only goes around once.
You guys make me feel like a failure because I got my kids on a schedule and they both slept through the night consistently by 8 weeks.
Seriously, good for you, for doing what works for you and finding joy in it. It just did not work for me to be up all night.
Unbelievable!! 8 weeks?? Holy crow! Of course after I wrote this post, Eden slept through last night. I was so freaked out I didn’t sleep a wink, lol.
My children are a bit older, so a call for me in the night for comfort fills my heart and gives me an excuse to snuggle with my babies that I can no longer hold and rock in my arms.
Alex is 2 and a 1/4. And a good night means I get up to feed him at 2am, then he wakes to play at 6am. A bad night means he starts waking at 11! And then can’t get back to sleep after 4. And I spend a lot of the night curled up in his bed.
But even that is better than that first year, when there were days I turned up at mother and baby group looking like death warmed over, having lost count of the number of times I was woken to nurse him – all I knew was it was some number after 13, because I had lost track at that point.
And, like many posting comments, I do it because I believe he needs me, and part of me needs him, I admit it! One day he will start sleeping through. And it will be in his own time. And all those people who have ‘helpful’ things to say can just go off and do their own thing *somewhere esle!!*
He is *not* in a ‘habit’ that needs to be broken. I know this because I know *him.* I know that a bad week or so is followed by a tooth erupting, or an ear infection diagnosed, or, or, or… So please don’t think you know either my Little Man, or me, better than I do.
OK, rant over. You can now return to your regularly scheduled insanity…
You just made me managed to make me feel badly that my youngest (10 months)sleeps through the night. I read “baby down hair” and “nuzzles” and it made me want another!
Thankfully today is a school holiday, and all 5 of the kids (under 10) are home, in cold Buffalo NY, all.freaking.day.long. That wanting another baby feeling could probably have been measured in nano seconds.
It’s only because I know you read every post that I’ll bother with this, number 46. Here I am, at 11pm, after a feeding for my 16 month old. That’s right, a full year and a half of no sleep. Nearly every day people tell me how tired I look. I just smile. Those that comment don’t understand. I’m glad there are some who do. Goodnight!
Beat that, with two and a quarter years.
I asked mother in law when did Cute Husband start sleeping through the night.
And she said he was seven! Aargh!!
(And yes, it helps when there are people who do understand.)
Yes I have been there when son#2 was a baby. He kept me awake at night, his brother during the day. I even started to get ill, and I am never ill. After a year he started sleeping like a piece of concrete in coma…………. what a relief!
Oh, this makes me remember how naive I was when I started having children. My firstborn slept through 5 hrs at 2 weeks and by 2 months was sleeping 8 to 10 hr stretches. I thought, so easy! DS#1 was 14 months still waking every 3 hrs. DS#2 was 18 months or maybe even older, I can’t remember. DS#3 just turned 5 months yesterday and I think I was up at least 3 or 4 times last night. But he’s so happy and healthy. It’s totally worth it. And soon I’ll be begging him too to come snuggle on my lap. So keep it up Momma. You can sleep when you’re Grandma.
My first slept through the night very young – perhaps 3 or 4 months. My second was like Eden until she was nearly a year. I too felt that it was partly about getting my full attention, not being carted to and fro with her older sister or put into the bouncy chair or swing or onto a blanket so that I could take care of the house or just get a break for a few moments. It doesn’t last forever though and most of it fades from memory. Thank you for this beautiful reminder of a very special time in this mother’s life. Yes, it was hard but I’m so grateful I lived it.
Our son didn’t sleep through the night till he was about 2. I went back to work when he was 4 months old; he weaned himself at 14 months. OMG I was so tired all the time! And yet, I wouldn’t change any of it – that time during the night was precious and I knew he’d be my only one. Still, I can remember my husband and me lying in bed one night about 3 am and him saying “When he moves out? Let’s call him every night for a week at 3 am. We can say ‘Hey! How’s it going? Let’s chat!’”
So beautiful! I love reading things that resonate so deeply. Thanks for putting such perfect words to it.
my boofa is 11mths and is still getting me up every few hours at night….some times it is good to be reminded of the bigger picture. thanks
my first was a great sleeper–actually had to wake her because she was still not gaining weight at 6 weeks, but the second–up all the time. i loved it as much as i hated it. and for me–i could have let her cry–woken the older one, and spent all that time with everyone frustrated, or just nurse 5-10 minutes, then everyone is happy and back to bed. it really is such a short time that they need us around the clock–i hate to look back on that time and say i wish i would have spent it with them. i’m waiting on my third to arrive–and freaking terrified she will not sleep–hoping i can do the same for her as the other two–seems hard now, but once she is here, i’m sure her cuteness will make it easier.