GUEST POST — Beating the Cold

Meet Derek — He is a student from my blogging class last semester.  Derek has a background in stand up comedy and likes to write fiction — both excellent skills to apply to blogging.  You can find more from Derek at his blog, http://jokerzwyldd.wordpress.com/.

(written December 5th, 2009)

Don’t let the sixty-degree weather in Boston fool you; it’s December, a month known for shopping, overeating, and, for me, an inevitable cold or flu.  Having already enjoyed a fairly nasty bug back in September that left me dehydrated and weak for days without having the courtesy of helping me lose a few pounds, I’m really hoping to avoid any sick days this holiday season.  But of course, that is easier said than done.  Everywhere you look you’re inundated with news about swine flu and vaccinations and proper greeting methods to avoid disease spreading (the fist bump is all the rage these days).  It’s all too much to handle and it has me on high alert!  Luckily I have a two-step process for fighting the cold and flu season.

Step One in the fight against the Season of Sick is Zicam.   I don’t know what it’s made of or how it works, but it magically helps me get over any symptoms I have from sneezes to sniffles.

I keep the Zicam in my office right next to my President Barack Obama action figure in front of the light up Spider-man 2 sign, so you can see how much I value it.  The only downside to Zicam is how it’s taken.  It’s called a RapidMelt, which means you can’t swallow or chew it.  You simply let it dissolve slowly on your tongue until it disappears.  That’s fine when enjoying a delicious Werther’s Originals, but Zicam tastes horrible!  It’s supposed to be citrus flavored, but tastes more like chalky ass and hate.

Step Two in the fight against being a Nasal Drip is sleep.  Lots of sleep.  I’m talking vegetative state type sleep.  This weekend I plan on getting no less than eleven hours of sleep each night.  And, earlier today, I got a jump-start on my sweet Saturday and Sunday slumbers with a small siesta at work.

The keys to a good office nap are 1. a brimmed hat, preferably Red Sox, 2. a staggering lack of desire to reconcile your Quickbooks, and 3.  Enya.  Once you have all three components lined up, you’re ready for a mid-day cat nap that will really recharge your batteries and keep those nasty flu germs at bay.

Between the Zicam and the near hibernation-like sleep, I was really hoping to avoid getting sick this winter… unfortunately, something unexpected has arisen.  The Girlfriend (yes, I know, it is hard to believe given the aforementioned action figures) has recently taken ill.  She has the sniffles.  She has the sneezes.  And, this is the part that scares me the most, she has the sore throat.  She told me a few days ago.  The following is the actual transcript from that conversation.

Me:  So what are we getting your parents for Xmas?

GF:  I don’t know, maybe…  may…  ACHOOOO!

Me:  Bless you.

GF:  Thanks.  Maybe we cou…  coul…  ACHOOO!

Me.  Jeezaloo, bless you!  Is it dusty in here or something?

GF:  Thanks, no, I think I’m coming down with something.

Me: *backing away slowly*

GF:  What’s wrong?  What’s that button you’re pushing?  HEY!  What is that noise?!  It sounds like an air raid siren!  What’s with the flashing lights?!  WHEN DID YOU INSTALL ALL OF THIS?!?!

Me: *moving behind quickly lowering glass partition*

GF:  When did you buy a Hazmat suit?!  Why do you have a flamethrower?!

I’m going to miss her; she was a good girlfriend.  But she knew the risks when we started dating.  I have the immune system of a baby born 4 months premature.  I should probably be living in a bubble, and she brought home germs.   She might as well have cheated on me or lit a comic book on fire.

Actually, I bought her killer Vietnamese Vegetarian Noodle Soup and orange juice, and then we watched Scrubs to see if Dr. Cox or JD could cure her with laughter.  Luckily there was no episode of Grey’s Anatomy on last night to kill her with bad writing… seriously, ghosts?

As of right now, I feel okay.  I’m at my usual 85%.  If I can just make it a few more weeks without catching any animal themed flues I think I’ll be in the clear.  So, I’d like to make a toast to your health for good luck.  Raise your orange juice glass and say it with me:

May your nose never be runny
May you enjoy the taste of Zicam
May your herbal tea have honey
And may you be healthier than I am