If this post is for you, you know it.
You’ve found my website by Googling, “not enjoying motherhood” or “what if I hate motherhood” or even, “sorry I became a mother.” I’ve noticed you in my site statistics over the years, several of you a week, Googling in the early morning hours or the mid-afternoons or whenever else it is that it’s just gotten way too hard.
I see you there, and I say a prayer for you. I pray that you’re ok this morning, that you came across something here that helped, that gave you a laugh and made you feel less alone. I hope that you’ll get through the hard part and find something wonderful on the other side.
After years of considering it, I finally thought of something to say to you that might help:
It’s going to be okay.
Really, it is.
Life with young kids is hard. It’s non-stop work, even through the nights. It’s mindless, boring, and dirty. And the stakes are so high. What a horrific combination.
It’s okay that you hate the baby sometimes when she cries. It’s all right that you’ve never felt lower about yourself – that doesn’t make you a bad mother, just a regular old worn-out one.
It’s okay to have regrets.
There is no shiny perfection of motherhood. You haven’t deprived your self or your children of it — it doesn’t exist.
Motherhood is beautiful and fulfilling — and horrible and exhausting and menial in the extreme. Every mother I’ve ever known cracked somewhere along the way. Congrats, it’s your turn. Some day it won’t be.
Try to get some sleep. Ask for help. It’s okay to let her cry some place where she’s safe — in a crib, strapped into a stroller — while you get some deep breaths.
Don’t drink. If you are drinking, get help. Drinking will make it so much worse than you can imagine.
Even if you’re not drinking, get help. Tell someone you’re struggling. Once you do, you’ll only be sorry you waited so long.
The perfect people — every last one of them — are stinking liars.
Hang in there. It gets better.
You’re going to be okay.
Thanks, Liz. It’s been a week of what-the-heck-was-I-thinking-adopting-two-half-grown-children. I needed your post SO MUCH.
thank you so much for this, linkback coming. i’ve been getting the comments for months on a link i posted to a “wish i’d never had kids” article, and haven’t had the words to answer them. beautifully said.
You amaze me. Thank you for your honesty and support for all mums.
Very nice post and I hope it helps someone. I also feel bad about some of the google searches that end up on my site. I never thought to say a prayer for them, I will now!
I’ll be passing this one along to some that I know could use those beautiful words. Been there, done that and found my happy place. Most of the time.
Saw a quotation (unattributed) on a friend’s blog. It struck a chord for me, and might help others: “It will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”
Beautifully written, and so very true. The day I finally let down my guard, opened up that it was hard, found other women who I felt safe admitting that I didn’t have a clue what I was doing have the time (hello Liz & Karin!) things got a lot better. We’re not in this alone.
Bravo!
Thank you — especially for “It’s okay to have regrets.” I think I needed to hear that one most.
Liz, you know I’m not a mom and I’m never going to be one, but thank you for this post today. For all the moms who are on the edge. Your prayers for them and these words will make a difference for at least one. I’m certain of it.
I’m a stepmom of two boys aged 2 and 4. And as much as I love them, cherish them and all the “they grew in my heart instead of my belly”-yadda-yadda, sometimes it’s hard. Very hard. Thank you for these soothing words.
very nicely said
Thank you Thank you. I have 4 year old twins and so often I wail about how much easier it would be with one. I am only child of an only child and don’t know anything about siblings. The guilt that follows is rough. I wish I could find a circle of friends.
Just recently I have had this almost overwhelming feeling, that I don’t want to do this anymore. Wondering why I can’t just run away, trek across Europe by myself, or lay on a beach somewhere being fed grapes, and never come back. What stops me? I’ve seen way too many kids devastated by the actions of parents who either through divorce, death, or just plain actually running away, dealt with things the wrong way. I love my kids too much to do that to them.
Love this post!
Canadian Carrie,
I just came across your reply to a post damomma.com. You said “Just recently I have had this almost overwhelming feeling, that I don’t want to do this anymore.” Carrie, in reading that one sentence, I finally felt not so alone on this trek of Motherhood. Thank you for being honest, for hearing those words made me feel like I will be okay, that I’m not a horrible mother, that there’s not something wrong with me.
I have 5 year old twins. I work full time in a job I absolutely hate, and I have to admit, sometimes, I too wish I could just run away from all of it and do something that makes ME happy….I get tired of being a care giver, of worrying about everyone else’s needs and wants. Yes, I take time for myself and my husband, luckily is very supportive and a VERY helpful dad, but even the occasional few hours here and there don’t feel like enough time for me to recharge my batteries. I try hard to remind myself that given my nature, I will someday look back and regret that I didn’t enjoy these times more. I have two healthy, happy kids. What more could I want in this world? They are all that matter to me yet at the same time, the are capable of driving me to the brink where I feel like I just want to pull my hair out strand by strand.
Thank you again for letting me know that I am not the only mother out there that feels like this.
Laura
Hi Elizabeth,
This is out of context but i’d like to know how to find out how people end up on my blog. How do i do it?
This post… is incredibly well written and so comforting and i surely hope that these woman end up on this one when they try a new search…
I am an avid reader of your blog for the longest time but never left a comment.
Continue your great work, you rock. Sincerely, Monique
Thank you. I needed that post!
UNRELENTING. That is the most challenging part of motherhood. That you planned an executed a million fun things, and that did a great job on your own with the kids for the past 4 days… none of this matters in that five minute period post dinner when you are trying to do 12 other ‘important’ things but the child just needs you to PAY ATTN NOW, so she acts like such a monster to get your attention that she turns YOU into a MONSTER too, and then you YELL and then you see the look on her face and you want to turn yourself into the police.
But why do those moments of FAIL stick with us while all the good moments we take for granted? Why are we convinced that those are the only moments that will stick with the child?
Thanks for this post. We are all struggling as we go. And we do have more success than failure, even if we don’t give ourselves credit for them! Hang in there everyone!
Excellent post, Liz. I could’ve used those words when my first daughter was a tot. And then a refresher when my second daughter was born. Life is a little calmer these days but always teetering on the edge of potential disaster.
I’m not a woman’s woman but in the last year I have found a group of women who are my lifeline. It is insane how good it feels to talk about the ridiculous, the hilarious, the infuriating, the boring and the exhilarating aspects of every corner of life. I appreciate my children, my husband and myself more now.
Thank you for giving all mothers the much needed push into a positive outlook. It IS going to be okay. Then it won’t be. But then it WILL be again!
Thank-you. As a mom I need to hear that so often. I often tell my husband that kids are CONSTANT. There is never a break… they are always there, always talking, laughing, crying, reading, playing, whining, eating,… I love them but they are constantly doing something…
Thanks Liz.
I wholeheartedly agree.
I would only add – as one of those moms who really, genuinely feels that she’s not cut out to be a mom to a toddler – thank God they keep growing! Someday, you’ll have a cool little person to talk to who DOESN’T need you to be within 2 feet of him at all times.
And if you’re lucky, someday he’ll be a grownup you can hang out with. You know, those people who talk in full sentences and can pretend to be rational? The ones we really WANT to spend our time with?
Wonderfully written!
This is SO true! This is SO poignant and so SPOT ON, I can’t emphasize it enough. I LOVE my life, I LOVE my kids, but some days I want to slam my head against the wall really really hard. Thank you thank you thank you for this.
Motherhood – such sorrow, such joys, I wouldn’t trade it for the world! I am in the middle of a divorce and one day I told a friend that I felt I wasted the last 20-something years of my life, guess what? I didn’t, why? Because I have two of the most beautiful children in the world. When my oldest daughter was in high school, she thought I was the meanest person in the world, then she turned 18, went out on her own, and one day out of the blue, I get a call from her saying, “Mom, I love you. Thank you for being “mean” and raising me the way you did, to be a responsible person”. So to all the moms out there, hang in there! Sometimes you’ll feel like talking to a brick wall, but in the end you’ll get all these beautiful phone calls. What can I say? So worth it! Yeay for mommies everywhere!!!!!
I’m really struggling today. Thank you for this.
I thank my sister for sending this to me. It’s been a hard couple of months and there have been times I wonder “What was I thinking? Then you realize that that was the problem. You weren’t thinking. Anyway, I do love my kids (all four of them), but there are some times I don’t like them and that’s OK. It ‘ll pass and they’ll be angels yet again. Thanks for the article.
Liz, I sure do love you!! My low moment was friday night…..I felt so awful for yelling at my naked, screaming 3-yr old for (unconsciously) tea-bagging his baby sister in the bumbo…..then your posts make me laugh and somehow it is okay again. The worst part? Hubby thought it was funny! (Rat bastard.)
thank you for this post. Ive found that so many women are afraid that they will be perceived as a “bad mother” if they admit that things are hard. I have found it freeing to be completely honest and open on how I feel about motherhood (good, bad, and dirty) and wifehood…My mom reminds me frequently that i am not alone, and that she as well as nearly every other mother hAS felt how i do during the tough times…
I stumbled across your blog almost five years ago when I had my first newborn and was suffering from severe undiagnosed PPD. Sometimes I feel like my kids have grown up alongside Mary and Ren, and I love the laughs and tears that I get with each post. But I also love the truths, and this is one of those days. Thank you for saying what needs to be said.
I heart you. Some days it’s for your humor. Today it’s for your authenticity.
Thank you.
Beautifully said, Liz.
I am closing on the end of the teen years with my daughter and I read every post you write. I no longer need ideas for faerie birthday parties, but I still need to hear and read and see and feel the universal truths of motherhood being shared by others. I love the Conversing with the Rain posts you do – you capture something essential, something resonant. Thank you.
I remember being told when things were hard that “this too shall pass” and hanging onto that thought. Then I was told (by the same seasoned mother) not to get cocky about that – the same “this too shall pass” would also apply to the times when I felt I had it totally together. She was reminding me to enjoy everything, every stage, every moment. And when I couldn’t, she reminded me to take care of myself. Having a mother-mentor meant everything to me.
In a time when many women don’t have that, you offer something precious and sacred. I salute you.
So say we all!
Well said, and thank you for being the kind, compassionate woman who said it. I think I too often approach other struggling mothers with the British, Stiff Upper Lip philosophy (because that’s what I got when I was struggling with a colicky super-fussy baby), but your way is infinitely more persuasive. Well done.
Beautiful post that I read with misty eyes after one of THOSE days. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
well spoken liz. i remember those days when we brought mila home from the hospital and the first night i was thinking, “what the hell was i thinking? how did i think that i was ready for a baby? i want my mommy!” it took a long time but i finally realized that it was going to be okay in the end
Liz…you are such a beautiful soul. I’ve been reading since I was pregnant with Justice (4 on New Year’s Day)…read through her first 3 years when I, too, forgot and did it all over again. Meet Tristan (1 on 12/13). I bought and have read and re-read “Motherhood’s Not for Wimps” ~ truer words have never been spoken. Now? I’m going through a divorce with an almost-4 and almost-1 year old…both girls. I love these little girls with my whole soul. That does NOT mean there aren’t MANY days where I start the bedtime routine at 7p. My alarm goes off at 4:23a.m. for my workday…and then the real workday starts when I walk through the doors of my parent’s (who are gracious enough to allow us to stay there while my soon-to-be-ex goes on his merry way…sans child support) house. I’ve spent many a night over the last 6 months soothing my youngest daughter as the tears fall steadily from eyes that just cannot stay open for another second. You know what though? Their magic…their joy in the tiniest things…their ability to see past all things to find the “good.” I love them more every.single.day.
Thank you for this. You are a blessing. I make time to read every week. If not everyday, I ALWAYS catch-up
Thanks again…you rock!
This is one of the kindest posts I have ever read. You have a lovely heart.
Great post Liz! You’re 100% right too….the “perfect” ones are big liars!
…And this is why I love you and your blog;). Now please write another post on marriage….I am livid with my hubby at the moment;/
Holy crepe, Liz! I love you.
You know we’re all waiting to hear the details on what happened with the concussion. Poor Ren. Poor Eden. Poor mama!
Such important words. Thank you for writing them. Every single parent goes through periods of self-doubt, etc. And we all feel so alone. So it is good to know that there are SO many other parents who are having similar experiences.
another post to come back to. thank you for being real. it takes courage to be vulnerable the way you are with us. you may never know the full extent of how much you give your readers, and I hope you do know I appreciate your writing SO MUCH.
Thank you. As a mom of four, full time worker, and full time student… I have those “stop the world, I want to get off” moments fairly frequently. Thank you.