At ballet, Ren wants a treat. I never have cash, but today I do so I give her a buck and she hits the button for the gummies. The little silver coil spins and stops and the gummies are trapped at the end.
So of course I give her another dollar.
She pushes the button again and again the damned thing gets stuck, leaving two dangling at the end.
So of course I give her another dollar and –unbelievably– a third bag gets stuck.
This is why I don’t carry cash, people.
The receptionist comes over to help us out, smacking the side of the machine, banging it, even rocking it a little.
“Okay,” she says, “let me see if I can go get the key.”
Ren frowns, looks at the machine, and whacks the dispenser drawer with her fist.
Three gummy bags drop.
“YES!!” she shouts, “I AM A DIALOBICAL GENUIS!”
###
In the car on the way back from ballet …
“Peeeeenus! Peenuspeenuspeenuspeeeeeeeeenus!”
“Ren,” Mare says with a fabulous eye roll. “Please stop.”
“Maaaaaayer! We did what you wanted to do on the way there!”
###
The Halloween parade was this morning. During the Big Dance Mare suffered a costume malfunction — a safety pin in her diva costume was sticking her in unspeakable places.
“I was suffering, Momma,” she says woefully. “No child should suffer on Halloween.”
I don’t even crack a smile.
Then?
“Peenuspeenuspeeeeeenus!”
###
3 a.m. La Casa Loony Tunes. Eden is crying in the other room. She is the first of our children to sleep in her own bed.
No, I mean it … she is the first of our children to sleep in her own bed. The other two are tucked in beside me, snoring.
Eden cries again. I’m so freaking tired.
“Are you getting her?” Cute Husband asks. 3-freaking-a.m., girls.
“No,” I said, “I’m lying here enjoying the sunshine.”
Look, when you’re that clever at 3 a.m. someone needs to know about it.
###
It is our Halloween Zumba class. Miss No-Organs has cued up “Thriller” and is teaching us the zombie moves. “This, this, hands up,” she says. We follow, devotedly. “And then over here,” one arm around, “here,” another, “and then, well, this is Michael Jackson so …”
And then she does it. No delicate little pointing to her womanly parts, but a full on yank-and-thrust.
“DEAR GOD,” I said.
###
No she did NOT say “diabolical genius” – DID SHE? Seriously? I’m not sure what worries me more – that she can say that in the first place or that she used it correctly to describe HERSELF!!!
I think it was “dialobical”.
Second son and friend, ± six they were I think, had a similar problem with the gummies machine at the local Chinese restaurant. I was not there to give them another coin so they came home, steaming with anger. The girl from the Chinese restaurant could not help them the machine did not belong to the restaurant.
I sent them back to look for a phone number on the machine,
They do this and I make a phone call.
To an answering machine. I tell what happened and I tell son not to expect an answer.
A week later the man from the machine calls me back. Not to explain or to apologize but to ask for our address?
Next day, in the mail a letter with a lot more gummies than son was entitled to for his only coin! Big smile from my son!
I can only hope son learned the lessen, to make a proper complaint next time.
Best. Post. Title. EVER!
“No child should suffer on Halloween.” Fantastic, Mary.
lol, thx for the guffaws. diabolical genius indeed! this isn’t giving me any hope that if i do ever manage to produce a girl, there will be any less penis talk in my house …
I personally love the ‘We did what you wanted to do on the way…” Totally my favorite vibe of this whole thing.
I loved all the stories! I have to wonder where she learned “diabolical genius.” And the “we got to do what you wanted on the way” thing was adorable. So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how irritated are you at the word “peeeeenus?”
Where did you go to the Harry Potter exhibit that you mention on Twitter? We live in the Boston area and I’d love to see it, unless it’s a one-time thing that’s already over?
Those girls will rule the world!
Oh my Lord your life makes me laugh…almost as much as my own life.
please note that according to elizabeth, ren did NOT say diabolical, she said “dialobical.” which is about a thousand times funnier, IMO!
Enjoying the sunshine… Oh how I wish I could use that one… if only the sleeping log next to me had any chance to register.
I love those random posts you write, they’re like halloween sweets, right ? You don’t know what you’re gonna get, but it’ll be a treat.
It is true, Ren said, “I AM a diaLOBical genuis!!”
It’s making me think twice when I pick up Eden and go, “She’s SUCH a princess.”
I mean, can you see it? Four years from now? “Yes, I AM such a princess!!”
these are the kinds of things that make the casa looney tunes
To Sarah: the Harry Potter exhibit is at the Museum of Science and it’s around for a while.
Ohmy, ohmy, ohmy. If my girl EVER starts chanting penis in the car, I hope I can stay in my lane. And geez, I don’t do group exercises, but if I did and my FEMALE instructor grabbed herself, I’d have to fake a pulled hamstring and leave class early. You’re FUNNY!
I told the dialobical genius story to my husband. He blinked and said, “When she’s ready to become our leader, she gets my vote!”
My little girl just turned five. We purchased a Breyer horse for her and low and behold if they didn’t give the darn thing a penis. Really. So of course I had to explain to her what a penis is and that only boys have one. Now I hear the word penis on a weekly basis from this girl. Always in the correct context too. Now my two year old is picking up on it and my hubby is having fits that his baby girl uses the word “peenuuuuss.” I on the other hand, have some serious growing up to do because I can’t help but laugh. Openly. Every single time.