Yesterday morning Dr. Button showed me Eden’s digital chart.
I hadn’t wanted to know before. But this was her two-month appointment, she was wide-eyed and adorable, up six ounces, and we were jovial.
Stripes of yellow run horizontally across the chart. The key on the footer shows a yellow bar and an equals sign and the words “Abnormal/panic.”
“Panic,” I laughed. “It says ‘panic.’”
“And I followed it closely,” he responded. “I panicked.”
We both laughed again and then he let Mare and Ren listen to Sissy’s heart with the stethoscope before he departed with a wave and a “See you in two months!”
The girls followed me into the corridor like little ducklings, and I, their proud Momma duck, grinned my thanks as the scheduler booked us for August and the secretary told us how good Eden looked.
We went to the lab and Mare and Ren held her free hand for the needle stick and she screeched and then wept and then it was over. “Thank you so much,” I said to the staff who had seen me through nine heel sticks and three arm sticks. “Here’s hoping we don’t see you again for a long, long time!”
“Get lost!” they replied, handing Mare and Ren a giddy bounty in gloves and masks and stickers and lollipops. “Goodbye, good riddance, don’t come back!!”
And then I didn’t get the phone call that night. And nothing the next morning and nothing that whole day and then finally the phone rings and it is Dr. Button himself.
Damn.
“It’s not where we wanted it to be,” he says. And we’re back where we were. More tests, and consultations with specialists, more questions and wondering and guessing and not knowing and waiting and thinking it’s all fine but not knowing for sure.
“I’m sorry, it’s not what you wanted.”
“It’s not what anybody wanted,” I say.
I make dinner. We eat. Cute Husband puts the girls to bed, I rent him a movie. I hate the movie and take a shower.
And under the hot water the slow persistent anxiety that has ebbed and flowed for the last months breaks free in a violent panic.
I can’t breathe. I can’t stand it. Since Eden’s birth a million babies have sickened and died. None of those kids deserved it, none of their parents could stand it. I beg for mercy, the gift that is unearned — please let it pass us. Let my baby be okay, I’ll do anything.
And for the first time in the six years I have had children and the five I have been writing this blog, I have nothing to say except that I am terrified.
I can only add my prayers and thoughts and hugs and love to everyone else’s. Let it be enough to make little Edeny well.
Ah, Liz! May God’s love and light surround you and your posse!
wishing you all well and praying for you, Liz, and CH and your gaggle of girls.
Grace to you.
Oh Liz I’m so sorry. I’ve been coming here every few days to read about Baby Eden and you. Followed the ups and down and kept thinking about you. I just want to give you and your girls a big big hug. xoxo
Keeping your little one in my prayers.
I am so sorry that this has not been resolved yet. Your family will be in my prayers.
Prayers said.
I know that panic and praying that God just let my baby be ok…many of us do. She spiked a 105 degree fever on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean.
I’ve got nothing original to say, but please know we’re thinking of you here, and sending all the good mojo we can.
Love, courage, thoughts, hugs. I wish you all the best.
Thoughts and prayers are heading your way. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. Give that beautiful baby and your sweet little girls huge hugs from me and my girls. (I have 3 girls as well.. my newest born 2 weeks before Eden)
ive never left a comment before.. but one afternoon i read every single one of your blog posts. i cried in all of the right places, and laughed out loud almost every blog. you and your family have been through a lot since little eden’s arrival. there was a sense of panic in the earlier blogs, but with the panic came serenity. i got the sense you kept it together because of your two other little girls. you cant keep it together all of the time. as strong and calm as you want to be. another thing i noticed was throughout everything, Eden kept surprising people. im almost positive that she is going to surprise everyone once again. im hoping she surprises everyone once again. no i do not have children so i could not imagine what you are going through, but im with you here, every step of the way.
Praying for you all…..especially Eden that they figure it out and she is totally healthy and well.
You guys are most definitely in my thoughts, Liz. I hope it all gets resolved quickly with little fuss.