(“ARDT! ARDT, ARDT!!” — Keep this, you’re going to need it later. It is the sound a trained seal makes asking for treats after a successful task.)
On the drive to Target it occurs to me, this is not the family I signed on for.
“MAAAAAAAAAYER!!” Renny shouts. She has a gift for this — a squeal that would curdle paint.
“NoooooooooOOOOo, Renny!!” Mare answers, then cries.
“Wah,” adds Schmoop. “Wah.”
I hate them. They’re horrible. I grip the steering wheel as the noise rises to a high crescendo.
I have no idea what they are fighting over. I don’t think that they have any idea what they are fighting over. It has been like this for weeks. No one has expressed any direct hostility toward the baby so far — just toward everything else they can possibly think of.
We arrive at Target.
“Can you get us a treat?” they whine in the entryway.
“Do we have to be here long?”
“What are we getting?”
“Can you get us a treat?”
“Can we ride in the cart?”
Then they fight over who gets to get in the cart first, and who gets to sit at which end and who is taking up more room.
“Wah,” Eden says.
And then we are going up and down the aisles and despite my telling them there will be no treat if they ask again, they’re asking.
“Candy? Can we have candy? How about ice cream? Oh, Momma, how about that great big slide can we get that?”
“Wah,” Eden says.
This is it. This is my life, now. I’m wheeling a cartload of whiny kids around, begging for a shot of liquor and some really tiny straitjackets.
I’m so tired. My diet of bland carbs and mother’s milk tea isn’t cutting it, and the nights of nursing and worrying and cleaning up barf are taking their toll. I need a break and instead I got this.
And then I see myself in all my absurdity — complaining about a situation I have created. Blaming the children hanging from the shopping cart because no one is stopping them.
I stare at them, they stare at me, and then I know for sure: I didn’t come this far just to suck at it.
“Wait here,” I tell them. I find the candy aisle and grab a bag of Tootsie Rolls. I rip open a box of Ziploc baggies and slip out two — one for Mare, and one for Ren.
They hold the bags and blink at me.
“Okay,” I say. “Mare — what happened to you when Ren was born?”
“I went crazy,” she says with a wide-eyed nod. I have told her this story before — how for three months she was a brat, refusing to do anything the first time she was asked, stealing toys on playdates, pitching fits when she didn’t get what she wanted.
“And what’s happening now?” I ask.
“Oh, we’ve all gone crazy,” she says.
“Right. TOTALLY INSANE,” I say. “We’ve forgotten the rules of our family. And I don’t think our family is as much fun without those rules. So we’re going to play a little game to remind ourselves of the rules and see if we can’t make things fun again. Here’s how it goes:” I drop five Tootsie Rolls into each bag. Their eyes light up.
“You can’t eat these,” I say. “Until tonight. And you may end up with more before then. Every time I see you girls doing something unusually good — like offering to help before you are asked, or being kind to each other or someone else — you get another Tootsie Roll.”
“YAY!!” they cheer.
“What do you think happens if you break a rule of our family?” I ask.
“You’re going to take them away?” Mare shrieks.
“One. One Tootsie Roll for each rule you break. So, let’s go over the rules. Do we ever fight with sisters?”
“No.” Two slow head shakes.
“And what happens when Momma says ‘no?’”
“No means no,” Mare responds.
“Right. What else?”
“We do not ever punch our teachers!!” Ren pipes up.
“Right, yes, that’s a good one. What about whining?”
“No whining,” Mare says.
“No whining,” I say. “Let me be very clear: Anyone who whines loses a Tootsie Roll. Okay?”
“Woah,” Ren says.
They nod, and we’re off.
It takes about fifteen point two milliseconds before it begins, with Ren’s shoe slipping off.
“Here, Sissy, let me help you with your shoe. Is that better? Who’s my cute sissy? WHO’S MARE’S BEST CUTE SISSY???”
“Good job, Mare,” I toss her a Tootsie Roll. (“ARDT! ARDT, ARDT!!”)
“Thank you, Sister. Next time could you please not tie my shoe so tight? It hurts a little.”
“Good God, Ren. Here’s one for you.” (“ARDT!! ARDT ARDT ARDT!!!!”)
At the checkout, no one asks for candy. No one whines and leans against other people’s carts. I have all kind of volunteerism going on.
“Momma, let me load the paper towels, I can carry those. Ren, you better grab the napkins. I would hate for my Sister to lose a Tootsie Roll for not helping.”
They thank our checker, they smile, they hold hands and wait patiently for me to start the cart moving.
I chuck them each a Tootsie Roll. (“ARDT!! ARDT, ARDT, ARDT!!”)
The checker stares in awe.
“I so reaking rock,” I say.
“Enjoy it now,” says an old woman standing in the next checkout lane. She is lanky, bitter-faced with a stern set to her mouth. “It won’t always be this easy.”
Shut up, you old hag, I make my own destiny.
“We’re outta here, girls!” I say, motoring past her with my cart and my children and my bags of stuff.
And now here I am at last. Mother of Three, making my way in the world with my girls, doing head counts, answering questions, watching for traffic and predators, and Things They Should Not Be Touching. And it’s all okay.
Predictably, Ren is the first to lose a Tootsie Roll. It happens in the Whole Foods, at the gelato bar.
“Can you get us ice cream?” she asks.
“Not this time, Sweetheart,” I say. Her face instantly contorts into a red-faced squeal. Really, I have no idea how she does it, but she goes from sunny to squashed tomato in the merest flicker.
“Ren — remember the rules of our family. No means no, and we don’t cry to get our way.”
Her face wavers for a second, and then she does it.
“I WANT ICE CREAM!!” Without a word I walk over to her baggie, dig my hand in, fish out a Tootsie Roll.
“NO MOMMA NO I’LL STOP I’M SORRY I’LL STOP.” I drop the Tootsie into my purse and proceed past the ice cream. She weeps into her sister’s shoulder. I say nothing.
By the time we are at checkout, she has stopped weeping, and they are both offering to help with the bagging again.
“Let me help you, Sissy,” Ren says. I drop her a Tootsie and she grins.
“Momma,” Mare says. “I really do like this better. Our family is nicer like this.” We smile at each other and I think what a great woman she will be some day.
They both lost Tootsie Rolls for fighting at bed time, and again for not getting their teeth brushed the first time I asked. Ren lost another one for getting out of bed.
So I can’t say everything was suddenly perfect, but it was all much, much better. We stopped needing the Tootsie Rolls the next day, and everyone was just in a better mood.
And the moral of the story? — a kid will prostrate herself for 2.2 grams of sugar without ever considering whether it’s really worth it. (“ARDT!! ARDT ARDT!!”)
Or maybe the lesson is just the reminder of that absurdly simple rule: our own happiness depends upon how we approach the world. Positive action yields positive results. Inaction, bad behavior, negativism yield bad results.
Life is settling into a pleasant early-summer routine. I am starting to really be able to do things again. Gran’s good work holds — the laundry is going on an efficient cycle. Eden always smells sweet and fresh, no matter how many times a day she pukes. The Bigs have clean sheets and fresh nightgowns and plenty of choices before school in the morning. I finished the semester’s grading, and even planted flowers. I am sleepless and achy, but picking up speed.
Eden has gained six ounces and peers out at the world with alert eyes. Her sisters love her.
Last night I filled the clawfoot tub higher than I normally do, and I added baby wash to make bubbles. Mare and Ren piled in and when they were sitting nice and still, I brought Eden in and floated her beside them. Her little arms and legs flapped and her eyes lit up. They rubbed her belly and her downy head and kissed her and she squirmed and almost-smiled.
This is the family I signed on for.
Amen. You go, girl!
That is some brilliant brainstorming on your part! Good job!
You rock Liz. Welcome back.
That is sweet. Glad Eden is doing better
This one of my top 10 all time favorite blog posts of all time. I mean in the whole internet! I hope I can think back on this post when my kids get old enough to be whiney. Thanks for reminding me to choose the good.
“Shut up, you old hag, I make my own destiny.”
I want that on a T-shirt. Rightnow.
Soooo glad everyone doing better! And yes, I have just rediscovered this week for myself, that lesson: that positivity begets positivity, and vice versa. It’s a good one to rediscover from time to time, no?
Hugs to all three of your sweet, wonderful beings. Who wouldn’t be that way, if it weren’t for you.
Tootsie Rolls are magic, you know. We have them in the candy dish on the front counter and people go out of their way to pick them out first. And they complain when there isn’t any.
With my kids it was Smarties that always worked.
You do rock at this. I tell every one of my friends when they have their first kid that it takes practice. All of it does, learning to keep up with the kids and the laundry and everything else in life. The longer you do it, the easier it gets. And when it gets hard or you screw up, just remember you are still practicing, so this really doesn’t count.
Great post. Welcome back.
When did they get to eat the toosie rolls?
I think they should have a special shopping hour at Target where Moms can only come without their kids, and they serve Margaritas in go-cups at the door. Man would that rock.
Go Damomma Go ! Keep those great ideas flowing !
First-So glad Schmoopy is feeling better! Second-You are an honest to God, certified genius!! The Tootsie Roll idea is sheer brilliance. I may reproduce simply so I can steal your ideas and attempt to trick the world into thinking that I rock at this as hard as you do.
Oh heck freakin’ yes. THANK YOU. You’re instilling hope in a terrified soon to be mother of a three year old, a one year old, and a newborn. Candy is magic. But more magic still is the YEARS of work you did with the first two that made them instantly understand what was going down.
That’s some good parenting right there, my friend.
And yes, I second the t-shirt idea. Who the frick does she think she is? And even though it may be harder, I have no doubt you’ll have three fantastically parented girls who might test the limits, but who will know beyond a shadow of a doubt what’s expected of them. And more so, how much love they have to help them get there.
Rock on, mama, rock on.
WOW!
Just WOW!
I think I need to print this post, and paper clip it to my calendar for November, because that’s when I expect my baby to go crazy over a new baby in the house.
We just did something like this when the Mario Kart Wii (that my husband borrowed from a friend while I was out of town – argh) was turning my boys into the same characters who entered Target with you. Ours was points chalked up on the white-board (and they enjoyed marking their own points), and now we don’t even need them because the crazy has left and they now get to play it from time to time just because we’re back to being a loving family. But the points can always come back…
“We do not ever punch our teachers!”
Uhhh, yeah! We don’t!! That kid cracks me up. And I kind of want to be Mary when I grow up too. Good on you for your flash of inspiration — and for all the work, as LooneyJen said, that you’ve done to get there.
I would definitely buy a “Shut up, you old hag, I make my own destiny.” t-shirt!! Why did that woman feel the need to try to rain on your parade?? She should have been congratulating you on your well behaved children and your ingenuity. Way to go!
I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and laughing/crying everytime, but only now, when i read the phrase, “Shut up, you old hag, I make my own destiny,” did I feel a kindred spirit rise in front of me….
vote me in for a tee-shirt and other assorted old hag merchandise.
I bow to your greatness. O great and wonderful Liz.
Tell me, how did you get to where the Tootsie Roll thing worked? What reinforcements did you use when the kids were learning the family rules? Because that’s where I keep getting lost. We do “1, 2, 3,” which generally works, except that sometimes I have no idea what happens at three (I only know that the answer is *not* “I’m going to whack you upside the head,” no matter how tempting it might be to do so).
This is exacerbated by my rule that, “if you ask what happens at 3, you are automatically at 3.” Because the whole point of “2″ is to figure out what happens at 3. If I have to skip 2, I”m pretty well hosed.
“Positive action yields positive results. Inaction, bad behavior, negativism yield bad results.”
This. It’s so simple, and so obvious, but so easy to forget. As someone who works with young people (older than yours though – teenagers!) this needs to be the basis of the work we do. Children and young people need to be told how awesome they are when they do something well, and this is so rarely done.
Thank you for an awesome post in a fantastic blog
Zone Defense Mamma,
You rock!
Like a delicious bite of chewy candy, you are sweet and durable.
WOW! I want to be you when I grow up.
Margaret
You are my hero Damomma! Glad that Eden is getting better, that the big girls are adjusting and that you are feeling like things are getting to a “new” normal. Hooray! What’s up with Cute Husband…..how is he holding up? All the best to you and your great family! (Now, I am off to Target to get Tootsie Roles…..brilliant!)
I’ve been seeking some prophetic words for a new tat.
Now I’m torn between “I didn’t come this far just to suck at it” and “Shut up, you old hag, I make my own destiny”
Glad to hear Eden’s holding strong.
Yay Liz! I never had a doubt. I just knew you’d figure this all out
Welcome back, indeed. Go you!
You are THE best. Bar none.
I like Ren’s rule about never punching the teacher. You just KNOW there’s a story there…
Woah.
I really needed this blog post today. We had a pretty rough morning at swim lessons where my son not only did not listen to me, he also did not listen to his instructor. Then I attempted a grocery store run, and literally wanted to abandon my 2 toddlers in the cart and run straight for some liquor. After we got home and I managed to get them down for naps, I read this post…
Thank you. Reading this allowed me to take a deep breath and realize there is no way I’m going to make it the next 3 months of summer (no MDO! Eeeek!) without some sort of plan/rules/etc. Thanks for giving me hope!
*So glad Eden is slowly adding some weight.
**Hang in there with that bland diet. I’ll be sending chocolate cake thoughts your way.
This is one of my favorite posts ever.
I can’t believe how similar our Target shopping nightmares are! OMG…I will do just about anything not to take both of my daughters to the store but when I do, the dialogue mirrors what you’ve written!
LOVE the tootsie roll toss-or-take idea. I generally nab the little boxes of goldfish or several string cheese for them while we shop but that’s just to keep their mouths busy. Nothing like handing the clerk 4 limp cheese wrappers at checkout.
I am so relieved to read that Eden is growing and beaming! I can only imagine the stress your whole family has been under!
*smile*
Rock on, Damomma!
I love when I get a great idea like that. I feel like Wonder Mommy all day. Then I forget the next day because I’m just too tired. I’m not so great on follow-through it seems. (And why does there always have to be some grouchy old hag spoiling things? What is HER problem anyway?)
I so, so, so, so needed this post today. I find myself in a vicious cycle of negativity with my 3 1/2 year old son – he is quite simply unafraid of being disciplined in any manner. He knows where all my big red buttons are, and he pushes them over and over, and the damndest thing is it gets me every time. Every. Freaking. Time. I forgot one of the purest lessons of life – positivity breeds positivity and negativity breeds crazy kids and insane Moms. THANK YOU for reminding me of this. I stood near tears at 5:30pm today after an awful day with him, staring at a ruined pile of jewelry supplies I just spent $80 on and he poured a glass of water over it. I was literally speechless with anger. I know he did this because he’s mad, and he’s mad because I’m mad. And then the guilt kicks in. Yay. He would so totally dig the Tootsie Roll Reward Program. I’m all over it.
And I just love Ren. When all is said and done if you didn’t punch your teacher today, its a good day.
Good for you for honoring the magic of TootsieRolls. For my son, it was Gum Drops – used them for potty training. I just smiled when my mother said, “well, are you going to still be giving him gum drops to potty in college?!?” We didn’t even finish a single bag.
And oh yea, he’s at The University of Texas on full academic scholarships now.
So there. . . to those who doubt a mother’s wisdom!
I am SO borrowing this idea!! We have a five month old, a two-year-old, and a four-year-old and I have yet to get my groove back yet. =) Thank you!
I am so thankful to hear that Eden is slowly, but surely, gaining weight. Whew! She had us worried there for a while…
Yeah for you! Best thinking under pressure?
I so have to see if that can improve the brothers who bicker as a shock to the system.
Hooray!
I love this! It brought tears and laughter – what a great post! I’m so inspired!
This is a great idea! Can I steal it?
This is the post I have been waiting for.
You have your spunk back.
Keep it up Lady.
Boy do I love your style. “Shut up, you old hag, I make my own destiny.” Brilliant.
This is a beautiful post, and just exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Congrats on your new family of 5.
Great idea Da Momma! One of my more ingenious parenting moves when my kids were elementary age was to give them each $2 to spend at the grocery whenever we went shopping. I chose $2 rather than $1 because the only thing they could get for a dollar was candy. I assume the amount would need to be adjusted for inflation-this was back in the ’90s.
They usually bought some sort of trinket, but it actually saved me money because any time they asked for something I would just ask them, “Is that what you want to spend your money on today?” That really helped me avoid those extras that there is nothing wrong with, persay, such as apple juice or crackers, but that don’t happen to be on today’s list-the sort of thing that I would otherwise be tempted to say “why not” to.
The goal of all this was to keep them occupied and nonwhinny, but as a side effect it taught them decision making skills. The absolute pinacle of success with it was the day that they decided to pool part of their money to buy fresh cherries to share. My older one weighed them out and calculated how many they could get and still have some money to each spend on their own. I was amazed as I pretended not to notice while I picked out apples and oranges.
you are totally my hero right now.
also? ha. i have a squealer. the curdle paint kind too.
Fabulous post – So inspirational for a stressed Mum of 2 yesterday but a much more confident Mum of 2 from reading that today!
I pity the old hags that make comments about people having their hands full and it not getting any better when they are teenagers – What a waste of a great opportunity that is life!
Big Hugs to you and your amazing sounding family from the UK
Helen
LOL Hysterical!! You just described my daily life! Amazing what bribery does
. Thanks for all the reminders that I tend to forget in the heat of the moments.
Great post!