DaMomma’s friend, the Calm Mama contributes the third in a series of guest posts to keep all of you occupied while DaMomma sorts out life as a mother of three. Or, just, like, tries to reassure herself that this is actually the baby they pulled out of her two weeks ago.
We were pretty clear on wanting to have a child — at least clear enough on the day we decided to “try.” The next day we’d chickened out, went back to using barrier method birth control, not yet knowing the deed had already been done.
So, yes, there had been some ambivalence. Before the baby: Are we ready? Can we afford this? Am I really going to do this with YOU? And during the first half of the pregnancy: What have I done to my life? Who am I going to be now?
During the second trimester of gestation, the inevitability truly “kicked” in, and then once the boy was here, we’ve hardly looked back. It’s as if he’s always been with us.
Out and about in the world with a baby, friends, family, and complete strangers frequently ask, even now that he is 16 months old, “Is it your first?”
“Yes,” I’d reply, happily. Something about having people know that I was new to the game made me feel good.
Then, it started to dawn on me as strange. What if he’s not my “first,” but rather my “only”? Doesn’t that make that question rather… presumptuous?
One time, while I was breastfeeding at a party, a woman asked me, “Is he your only?”
I was so surprised.
But for her it was a matter of context. She could tell I was a “mature” (a-hem) new mom. She herself had had a child in her 20s and another in her 40s so to her mind, I could have an adult child or two somewhere as well.
It does tend to be people who know me better who hazard the more direct version of the question, “Will you have another?”
So far, two of my friends from my prenatal swim classes are pregnant again. At least two women from my moms group are actively “trying.”
More than one person has made the rude observation that if I was going to make another go, I’d better hurry up. (Umm… thanks?)
But I’m not sure this time. We have an amazing child. I love motherhood. What I can’t quite picture is putting my soon-to-be 40-year-old body through another pregnancy. What I really can’t picture is us as a family of four. I can’t SEE it yet. I had such a strong sense of Jonah’s impending arrival — in the months leading up to the pregnancy, and especially during that second half of it. I felt like I was literally doing his bidding (or someone’s anyway) by bringing him into the world.
My husband Scott was an only child who eventually had to deal with step-siblings. He frames the question in terms of resources. He imagines Jonah would be happier not having to share time, energy, toys, space. Though he recently admitted that he does wonder if it would be irresponsible not to give Jonah a sibling as companion with whom to travel through this lifetime.
I have a sister and cannot imagine wanting to trade her in for more stuff growing up or more of my parents’ time and attention. I am extremely grateful for all sorts of reasons that I have her, including being glad she’s on my team when our parents behave a little crazy (as some parents do, but of course we never will, right?).
Recently, over the dinner celebrating our third anniversary, my husband and I began discussing the topic again. Scott ran his resources argument past me and suddenly I realized that it wasn’t resources between siblings that bothered me, it was MY resources. I’m feeling selfish about having two because I’m afraid of how much more of me I’d have to share.
I have this feeling, wrongly or not, that becoming a mother has changed the opportunities I will have in this next half of my life. For example, things like travel, and being a theater artist, both which I did a lot (and I thought, enough) before, seem impossible now; at least for the foreseeable future.
Even the mundane task of trying to find and do more work to help support our family is hampered by motherhood. And yet, I’m surprised at how hampered I feel. We could get full-time childcare and send me out into the world, but I do not want to to leave Jonah for the number of hours required to work more. I’d rather reduce my budget and continue with the short-term, part-time work-at-home gigs that have filtered in thus far.
The decision to increase our brood is also being colored by larger scale financial issues. Scott is about to be laid off. Our future is uncertain. Will we have to sell our house? Move to another city? Change careers?
We could make this parenthood leap once, deciding things will just work out somehow. Especially two years ago, when we were more optimistic (or deluded) about our situation. But today, with the economy reducing our stock-market-based nest egg and limiting job opportunities, it’s a lot harder to imagine voluntarily taking myself out with a second pregnancy and infant.
The other thing is, I’m really enjoying being a mother of one. I like my life right now. I like our day-to-day activities. I like getting sleep. I’m looking forward to getting my body back as we are making our way towards weaning. And I like our around 40-ish parents-of-one-kid friends. We are having fun. We three fit in this house, with each other. Four is an unknown.
There are many choices we could make, many directions we could go from here. Although, since I am as old as I am, some roads may soon be closed.
For now, I wait. I wait for that feeling to grip me again. The way the idea of having a child took over and lay under my thoughts the first time until I had to say it out loud, and have my actions speak even louder.
*Said by Kevin Bacon’s character in Animal House, after each time he is spanked with a paddle, during a fraternity initiation ritual.
My second child is six, and sometimes I *still* wonder whether having two is a good idea …
I’m not going to tell you what to do, because you will figure out the right decision for your family. What I will tell you about for every moment my boys spend bickering about a toy they both want, there is a moment when the older says to the younger, “let me help you with that.” For every screaming match, there is a time I catch them snuggled up in one bed because they want to be “twins.”
The reason I am glad I have two kids–well one of the many–is that having a sibling gives them an opportunity to learn lessons in being a good human being–how to share, how to be considerate of someone’s feelings even when that someone is a complete poop-head, that being the older one means having more responsibilities (but also having more privileges), that being the younger one means getting away with a lot more than your older brother (but also sometimes getting left behind). They would learn these lessons eventually, of course, but I like that they are learning them with family instead of with friends. At the end of the day, your family still loves you. Your friends, maybe not so much.
I will also tell you that being a parent of two didn’t start getting fun until both of them were semi-autonomous (i.e., about a year ago, whe they were 7 and 4). Some moms no doubt have different experiences; me, I took a while to get with the program. But oh, now it is so freaking much fun that I can hardly stand it.
I couldn’t imagine having only one child. That said, you know yourself and that is a wonderful thing.
There’s nothing that says you can’t adopt an older child later too, that’s what someone in my family is doing. They’re giving a child a good, stable home when she desperately needs one.
Thank you for speaking my mind. I’m an only child, both my parents were only children, and I’ve always said I wouldn’t know what to do with more than one. Soon after my son’s autism was diagnosed, I considered “trying for a normal one,” but realized that’s the wrong reason to bring a child into the world (and as unpredictable as “trying for a girl” or whatnot). I’ve never felt a lack in my life for not having siblings, aunts, or uncles, and I’ve known plenty of adults who have no relationship with their brothers or sisters at all. Power to you.
Thanks for this. I feel like some kind of freak sometimes, wanting to stick with my one. It’s hard not to feel like the multi-mommies are very judgmental of our choice, in the same way some parents are judgmental of those who choose not to have ANY children.
It’s funny I never wanted to have any children when I was growing up. My mother and I had a horrible relationship and I could never imagine having a healthy one with kids of my own. Then I married a man who wanted four. After meeting his family and seeing how wonderful he was with kids, we are now a family of three and contemplating the fourth. I love my boys and couldn’t imagine a day without them. I love watching them interact and love eachother. Hugs and kisses are a plenty in our home. I think that one of the best gifts I have given my children is each other. That being said, it was my choice and despite people telling me I was crazy for having so many children, I don’t regret it for an instant or pay any mind to the naysayers. Good for you for realizing that this is your choice and taking your time with it. Whatever you choose, love is the most important to give to your children whether there is one or ten.
When I was a mother of an only (now there are two), people would “ask” if there would be more. I would answer ” I’m happy now”. People whom I barley knew would reply…”YOU CAN’T HAVE JUST ONE!!”. I would answer..”Yes, I can…here he is, I already did.” They would look at me with a suprized look and not really know what to say next. Good for you knowing what is right for your family. Kiddos are the best toy ever and the hardest job I’ve ever had!
My husband and I also get many inquiries on when the next child is coming. At this time, we are content with our daughter who’s now 2. I grew up with a sister and my husband was an only child. Emotionally, I wouldn’t mind having another one. But when I think about reality and logistics (working full-time, paying for daycare, mortgage, saving of college, uncertain economy, etc), I’m not sure we can handle a second child. Maybe we’re over thinking it too much, but I think we’re 98% committed to our decision not to have another one (you never know). It really is up to individuals/couples to decide what works for them. I just wish people would respect that and not dictate what one should do about their own life.
After reading some of the other comments, now I’m worried that my comment might be mis-read as a “you must have two” argument. It’s not, really. It’s just that you and your husband seemed to be wondering how it could possibly be as great to have two kids as it is to have one, and I wanted to answer that from my perspective, having asked the very same question of myself.
Wow! I am so thrilled and grateful for all of your comments. It is such a privilege to be here at Damomma’s place and get feedback from her readers.
I love hearing other people’s perspectives on this topic. I’m glad that there are other moms of singletons who can relate, and moms of multiples who can understand and have been at a similar place.
Kirsten, I adore that you said poop-head. That’s my favorite word(s). Not feeling out of the woods for five more years is a daunting thought, but it also sounds about right. I noticed with just my one that it helped to have those mile markers along this momathan (for me, it got easier by doubles, or so — I could take a breath, look back, and sigh with relief at 3-ish weeks, 7 weeks, 14 weeks, six months, a year…). Your description of the boys’ interactions is making mom-ing of siblings very attractive…
Heather, yes.
Meredith, I really appreciate when only-children report being happy. I agree, siblings don’t always work out the way people would like.
Kimberly, yes, EXACTLY.
Tzipporah, Thank You!
Skeeterbug, you CRACK ME UP. Awesome.
GOO5, I know, right? Then I’m thinking about whether I am over-thinking it.
Kirsten (again) — I totally didn’t take it that way.
And Damomma knows she’s partly at fault for me becoming a mom, because she makes motherhood look like so much fun, even the hard parts — like laundry.
This is how I felt when we started to “try” for our second…and we changed our minds and we were going to wait until we were more financially secure. Unbknownst to us and if you asked me scientifically impossible…little Emily decided to grace us with her being. And the week she was born my husband was informed that his company was being downsized. By the time she was a month old he was laid off…and guess what…he has a better job…we have better health insurance…and the look that big sister gives baby sister and vice versus is so beautiful and precious and loving that I wouldn’t change it for a moment. Plus…it was time for the three year old to be dethroned!
I am a mom of one, by choice also. But I do sometimes feel guilty about not giving her a sibling. I am an only, but I have a very close relationship with my step-sister.
I also truly believe that I am a better mom to just one. I am not nearly as patient as I imagined myself being when I envisioned motherhood! Maybe I would grow and become an awesome mom of two, but I don’t want to take that chance and miss.
Although I do have pangs when I read DaMomma’s blog!
First, lovely post. Second, I am sorry that you feel anyone is judging you. The only answer is ‘whatever works for you.”
Our 2 are three years apart. #2 is LOTS of work, that is just her personality. We are both from big families and I always imagined having more. Now I know 2 is plenty for me.
My main reason that I am glad we have two — they will have each other after we are gone. When my mother died, my brothers and sisters shared my pain — they understood me like no one else — and we share so many great Mom memories. To our great surprise, my Dad checked out of the grief by remarrying quickly. So my sibs are even more important to me now. If nothing else I am so glad my kids will have each other till they are old and gray.
Good Luck to you!
I swear, I could have written most of this post. I, too, have a single son, 13 months old, and I am turning 40 this year. Our son is adopted, so short of another miracle baby being dropped in our laps, I don’t see our Only becoming the First of two kids. I alternately feel relieved and sad and guilty about that. I have sisters, so I know what it means to have siblings. I don’t know what it is like to be an only child, so I don’t know if he will ever feel deprived of the experience or if it just is what it is and it will be OK since he doesn’t know any different.
Also, I love having one kid. I know everything changes about everything when you have one kid, and it changes radically again with another – I don’t think I want it to change.
Good luck with the job changes and everything else!
I am so happy with my Only and get tired of the questions and comments from others that she needs a sibling. We are happy just the way we are. My daughter once asked for a baby sibling and I suggested we get a puppy instead. She was very happy with that idea and never asked for a sibling again.
My mother was an only child, and told me as I was growing up with my older sister that she had a FABULOUS childhood, but it was as she got older that she really felt like she was missing out on not having that close relationship with a sibling. She was determined to have 2 kids, and I can’t imagine life without my sister. I can talk to her about things I would never discuss with my parents, and she’s a great sounding board for me.
When it came time for me to have my own children, I always said I wanted “2 kids, 2 years apart” (was hoping for girls
). Well, I have 2 boys 2 years apart- who are now teens. They are TOTAL opposites in personality, but they are still ‘there’ for eachother- I especially liked that when their father and I got divorced. It meant that they didn’t have to go through that alone, and they were always together when away from me, so I didn’t have to worry about them AS much. I got remarried 10 years ago- to an only child, who didn’t have any kids of his own yet- and we decided to have some more. My daughter is now 6. There was never any question for me- I wanted to have 2 this time too. Our youngest is now 3. He and his sister are simply wonderful together. On the weekends, we pack them a snack in a little lunch box, and when they get up, they have a little picnic together and play for an hour or more, so we can sleep in 
It’s GREAT! She is generally kind and loving, and her brother absolutely adores her. When we drop her off at school in the morning, he is already asking to go watch for her bus to bring her home! It’s so cute. The positives so strongly outweigh the negatives at our house- we’ve even considered having MORE, but since I’m now 40, I think we’re done.
I’m sorry that you’ve felt judged by others. I do think it is a decision that only you and your husband can make- for what is right for YOUR family. I think that whatever you decide, in the long run, will work out perfectly. Good luck on your journey!
You’ve put into words the way I feel… except for me it’s not about #2 but about #3. Both my husband and myself or from families of 5. In my family, 3 children is the norm. And of course I always wanted 3 children…
Until now, now the time has come (there’s a 4 year gap between #1 and #2, and #2 is now over 3). Dear husband is very much ready… me not so much.
I find myself riddled with questions like : would my body handle it ? would my sanity -what’s left of it- survive ? would our couple suffer ? and isn’t this some sort of really bad joke to play on #2 ? Plus do I really want to get back to changing nappies and having a baby glued to myself 24/7 for at least a year ?And wet t-shirts every morning, ah the fun of changing bras and tshirts 3 times a day for 6 months or so…
Also, at a time like this ? economical crisis ? there are already too much people on this planet anyway… I sponsor 2 children in Africa, I could just take on a few more, it would make more sense.
But see, I don’t really think wanting a(nother) baby ever makes sense. And I’m just waiting… if the desire for another baby switches on again, I’ll embrace it, in the meantime, I’m happy now, I’m happy like this. The day it’s not enough for me has not come. Yet.
funny, i’m on the other side of you. we want lots of kids, at least 4, probably no more than 6, but i do think the idea of a really big family sounds great, 10 kids, lots of grandkids, etc. i just don’t want to be pregnant and breastfeeding the rest of my life. but we get questions all the time–how will you transport them? how will you educate them? how will you remember thier names? and other dumb questions. i just figure we will work it out as it happens. i made lots of plans in my life, that i am not follwoing through on now, obtained degrees, used other skills, so i don’t believe you can plan everything in life. like you said, if you feel like you want another, then you’ll try, but you can’t really plan for that feeling, and if you are happy, then you will raise a happy child and have a happy family.
my husband and i were only children and both loved our childhood. i was never lonely for a sibling, nor was he. as adults, we do both think about what it would be like to have a sibling. we watch as our two girls love and torment each other. it is clear it is a relationship like no other, and i just can’t feel what they are observing. sort of like love in a marriage or that of a child, until you feel it, no words can ever describe it.
best of luck being a mom to 1 or however many you end up having.
Dear everyone,
Yes!
I couldn’t have asked for a more thoughtful and thorough discussion of this topic. This has been so helpful.
You all are incredibly inspiring.