I am trapped in a house. People are chasing me. I fly into the ceiling, heart racing, shredding first plaster, then papery wood, planks, and finally roof tile. I claw and the people are coming and then I am free and I am flying and I know I am Superman but I just can’t fly as fast as he’s supposed to be able to. I fly, but I am losing altitude and falling and they’re going to get me.
“Hon, it’s 7:40,” Cute Husband says. I look out the window. Gray snow. Daylight savings. We’re behind. Losing altitude, propulsion. I can’t believe it’s still snowing. We have roof tiles missing. And something really large is living in our walls and gnawing on wood at night.
I can’t believe it’s snowing.
Kids to school. Meetings. Phone conferences. Papers. Still snowing and gray. Afternoon pickup and then off to the market to buy stuff to make supper. In the line, kids hanging off the cart, grumpy woman behind us, the card is declined.
And it’s really snowing now. I feel bad about myself. I dig for a credit card, and it goes through, and I wince. Interest. Charges. Balances. I just want to pay it off and not go through this any more.
I make dinner and think about the beast in the wall and the fact I can’t find the high chair. What is wrong with me? What kind of horrible people are we? The roof, the credit cards, the interest charges, the beast in the wall. How will I work and be the mother they deserve and what if I don’t feel better when the baby comes and I am this tired for the rest of my life?
And when do I get to have some fun?
Cute Husband comes home and asks me if I am okay. I can’t even answer. I plate supper and look at how messy the house is and hate myself a little more. Finally, I say it:
“I hate that we work so freaking hard and it’s not enough. We’re barely afloat.” We’re on our umpteenth year of barely afloat.
“You could look at it that way,” Cute Husband says. “Or you could realize that at the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, we’re still afloat. And it’s because of you.”
It isn’t true, it’s Us together. But his generosity humbles me. “Barely” is still afloat. We have health insurance and we feed the kids fresh fruit and whole grains. Other people are losing their houses. Other people don’t have jobs, much less really good ones they can do from home.
I go into the Kindergarten Harem. My babies are wrapped around each other in a pile of silky, fluffy and pink. They each have a cat asleep on their feet.
Shame on me. Shame, shame.
Life is not meant to be easy. Sometimes I forget.
To bed. Watching the Daily Show. It makes me laugh a few times.
The beast in the wall has given me a break and is not scratching. The snow has stopped. Whatever damage has been done to our house is done. Nothing I can do about it tonight.
Tomorrow, I will figure something out.
Sometimes you just need to give in and wallow in it… and accept who you are and where you are. I’m the Mom who needs at least a few hours to clean up if someone is going to be coming over, I only have sweatpants on in the morning cause it’s too cold to walk my son out to the bus without them, we live paycheck to paycheck, and who knows if we will still have this house in a year… but it’s where we are. Your world is changing right now, I give you so much credit for keeping it together enough to share it with us. You deserve a latte.
I hears ya!
Liz, I’ve been there, still am.. you know how it is with me.. {{{{{HUGS}}}}
You do have it good. You have health and basic needs met and a family bursting with love (and, by all accounts, hilarity).
But that doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to stress or anger or feeling overwhelmed. That doesn’t mean you can’t want to be floating just a little closer to the surface. Perspective is important, and the ability to keep moving forward is important, but so is allowing yourself to realize that while your stress isn’t the be all and end all of human suffering, it’s still challenging, and you’re allowed to feel that. You don’t need to shame yourself for it.
Yup. We all figure something out. This has been the scary-worst time for my family ever. I’ve had to swallow my pride, be humble and ask my mom for help. I hated doing it. Hated it. But I’m so, so grateful to have parents that can help me. I know lots of people who don’t have that option. We’ll cut back where we can and soldier on. But it still sucks.
things are tough for you right now for lots of reasons; it’s ok feel overwhelmed. don’t shame yourself. you may not have lost your job, but not everyone has had to battle lyme disease. you caught a break some places, and really took it in the… well, you know… in other places.
but you have a gift: the gift of perspective. and it seems that your generous spirit will not allow you to indulge in self-pity for more than a fraction of a second. you can have low days and still be an awesome mom, as long as you can find the humor in the situation and you don’t get your priorities screwed up. you’ve helped teach me that.
this post really hit home for me. my second child is eight weeks old and i go back to work next monday; my husband and i work for the same company, and we’re living in constant fear of lay-offs; our roof has been leaking and damaging three different rooms in our hundred-year-old house; the garage roof is caving in; i found mouse poop on my daughter’s bouncy chair… while it was sitting on the kitchen table. but for now, we have jobs, we have fresh & healthy food, we have health insurance, we have a house (even a leaky one), and we have each other. we are blessed beyond blessed. but i’m still pissed about the mouse.
I needed to read this post after having to wait two weeks to afford to fix a flat tire, our microwave and broiler dying the same week and finding we were over drawn again on our bank account. We will slowly work through the debts and try not to feel defeated by this. Thank you for helping me see I am not alone . It helps big time.
That Cute Husband of yours is pretty smart eh?
Life isn’t easy … but two little girls always make it feel better
You’re so lucky to have *almost* three!!
My favorite mantra:
We may not have it all together,
but together, we have it all.
I am going through the same, same, same stuff right now, Miz Liz, so I feel your pain. And stress. And, then, the feeling bad for feeling bad, when in comparison to others, we have so much. True, our A/C is broken, (in the South, where it was 80 degrees inside here, yesterday–in MARCH), I am pregnant with child # 2, and we have no health insurance, and yesterday our kitchen flooded and now the cabinets and flooring are ruined…..but, we still have our jobs. We are not in danger of starving to death (I might end up having this baby on the living room floor rather than in the hospital with a nice big friendly epidural, but oh well), and we are not in danger of losing our home. It could be a lot, lot, lot worse. And I feel guilty for being whiny. You just said it all, a lot better than I could. : )
Awww Liz! Things will get better, we just have to be hopeful and prayerful and keep our chins held high through the tough times. One of my favorite things that has ever been said about you is that “Elizabeth is made of strong Yankee granite and so are her girls”. I believe this to be very true. Someday you will be able to look back at the rough times with fondness and know that you have persevered through them with your family and in struggling have been brought closer together. We’ve been through a lot of hard stuff too and reached our breaking points several times but our love and respect for each other keeps us together, glazes over the cracks and renews our faith in each other. Gessner never stops amazing me; our boys are very strong willed and will never let their families fail. We love you guys and miss you very much!
Wait. You have health insurance AND credit cards? Wow! I’m kind of jealous.
I’m sure you’ ve heard it before, but it’ll get easier. It takes a little bit to adjust to three kids, but (like anything) gets better with practice. You’ll see!
There’s nothing shameful in wallowing a bit when things are difficult, especially when you come back to the point where you realize the blessings, too. Cute Husband sounds wonderful and supportive, you’re giving birth soon to new life, and your daughters are lovely and sweet and smart. Take it easy on yourself–you’re doing great!
My favorite line ever from my husband was when I asked him, “When is our ship going to come in?” (because sometimes I talk like it is 1950). His answer – “It came in. It just had children on it instead of money”. We’re blessed. But wouldn’t it have been nice it came with children AND money?!
There’s a thought that keeps me going on days like yours, days when I want to lock myself in a closet and sleep forever.
It will not always be the way it is right now.
Sometimes, that thought terrifies me. But that’s on the really really good days. On those days when I just pray for it to be over, I realize that one day it will. And that gives me hope. Maybe it will give you hope too.
You so often know how to make me feel….better. Thanks for yet another insightful post into what really counts in this life.
And no matter how bad things get for us here in France, the sub zero temperatures in our 300yr old house, the rude ‘customer service’ people who hang up when I’m trying to get back money they wrongfully took from us, the missing of friends and family on the other side of the ocean….it is when I read the comments on your blog and others…echoing fear at not having health insurance and too much debt….that I realize why we love our life here so much…because we are together and financially stable, even if we lose our jobs…we are covered for a couple years with regulatory unemployment…and no matter what happens money or job-wise we always have health coverage. So, keep at it, the courage and gumption you’ll need have my respect….and when you’re ready for a good bottle of French wine, let me know and I’ll send it on over!!
We know. We all know. Each and every one of us has had that moment and each and every one of us strives on. I do know it helps to hug your girls, all of them! And that cute husband of yours — he’s a keeper! =)
So why don’t you sell ads on your site? We wouldn’t mind a little ad here and and there if it pays to get beasts out of the walls.
When I am feeling blue about economy etc. I remind myself it is a blessing that the kids are starting to get that money does not grow on trees. They will be better people for growing up in challenging times, I hope.
Hi Liz…for what its worth…I am in awe of all that you manage to do. You have two little girls, with a third on the way. You work, outside the home, in addition to all that you do IN the home… I just have my husband and myself, and I often feel overwhelmed…I, too have made the comment about, “just keeping afloat,” and wonder when it will get better, easier. All of this, and I do not have children, not even a dog, lol.
So, what I am trying to say, I guess, is that I see how you are more than maintaining, and what a good job you seem to be doing, and I am in awe of you! Please don’t be so hard on yourself, because you are someone that lots of us really do look up to and admire
i hear ya. sometimes i think, we make good money, have good educations, and can’t seem to get ahead. then i remember, we make good money, have good educations–we are ahead. and another thing–we moved out of the east coast–way too expensive–we kept the same salary (more actually) and our house is 1/2 the cost as dc–don’t know if moving is an option, but i highly recommend it.
*random stranger sending hugs*
I get it. I don’t have the extra layer of…EVERYTHING…that comes with having kids, but the sentiments, from sad to guilty to grateful, I’m right there with you.
Good luck, to you all.
PS.
@Yankee Amanda-can I use that, too? It’s seems like good sense…
Thank you all. You’re all absolutely adorable. The e-mails are cute, too.
We’re okay. Some days are just hard, and I think that’s important to talk about, too. The card being declined put me right over.
Your comments really did cheer me up a lot. Thanks.
Jess, use it to your heart’s content. Seems to me that if something helps one person, it may help others. No need to hog the wisdom.
All you can do is do the best for your family and you are!
We are in awful economic times and I think we as Americans tend to forget that even while living in the thick of it!
You have a healthy family and really that is truly what is important. The house can be fixed, the bills will get paid (someday even if not today), and ultimatly the necessities will always be meant.
You are a great Momma! Hang in there you will feel better soon! Working, raising babies, having another baby, etc. All is tiresome it will even out one day!
Oh Liz, I know EXACTLY how you feel. The laundry. The toys everywhere. Bills to pay and a bank balance that never goes anywhere but down, like money is water leaking from a leak you can’t find or patch no matter how hard you try. Morbid jokes about how you’re just enjoying your house while you have it.
But it IS all balanced by a loving partner in life and the sweet smell of little girls asleep with their mouths wide open.
When I was a kid my parents were poor and I had no idea. Now that I’m a parent I feel like I’m just one or two steps away from being poor or everything being fine. I don’t really have control of which way it goes and I guess most other people don’t either. But if you can think of the worst thing that can happen, and you can deal with that…. then eventually everything will be okay. And your babies will never know anything but that you love them.
Just keep on keepin’ on girl!
I know it is a little hokie, but remember “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger” I truly believe in that. In all the hard times I have had, I have always come out with a stronger sense of who I am and what I need to do.
Oh Liz,
I’m having the exact same type of week. As I run off to work I look at the mess of toys and the laundry and the kitchen sink and feel like a failure. I feel like I can’t keep up but my husband reminds me, that we are lucky to have all these things that make a mess in the first place. Messes can be tidied, the children will be fed, you will always be safe in your husbands arms each night.
It’s impossible to be superwoman. Just be superLiz. That’s more than enough.
Ya, I hear you. The beasts, the never-ending mess. Too many days where we feel overwhelmed, underpaid, yearning for balance…and fun. Jon Stewart’s been my balm at times too! (I watch his show online from time to time)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the bad days, and the good days, and helping us feel just a little less alone in all this…
Liz, Darling. I read this the other night. I was thinking that I was balanced on top of my ball for a moment, the plates were spinning and I couldn’t think about your blog too much because…well… I couldn’t. Yeah. I shouldn’t ever think I’ve got it down. I drove to work this morning holding my driver’s side door closed because the door latch suddenly doesn’t work. My boss gave me his spare bungee cords to help out until I can afford to go to the shop or it miraculously heals itself. I have to go to a “meeting” at school. I forgot to pay my water bill. And my fax machine is making the most hideous noise on the planet even as I type this. Sigh.
You are so not alone.
Yes, yes you will figure something out. Each day is a new day – full of new opportunities and possibilities. From what I’ve read over the years of your posts you’re impressively smart, tenacious, and resilient.
Oh, and to echo the comment by con consider selling some selected advertising on your site – think about it.
It might sound funny coming from a stranger, but I’m praying for you. We all have those days, for sure.
someone once told me this mantra and i find myself repeating it in my head when i feel overwhelmed
you do enough
you have enough
you are enough
““You could look at it that way,” Cute Husband says. “Or you could realize that at the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, we’re still afloat. And it’s because of you.””
I don’t know why, but that part brought tears to my eyes. I think because I’ve felt exactly as you were feeling, and sometimes all it takes is for my husband to tell me it’s going to be ok, and things aren’t as bad as I think for me to snap out of it and go on breathing.
That was intriguing. This one had me laughing for awhile: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDRT8GgKlw0