“Mare — why aren’t you dressed?”
“I’m scared.”
It registers that this is the second time I have asked her that, and the second time she has given that answer. My turn. Again.
“What are you afraid of, Love?”
“Swordfish.”
“Pardon?”
“In my tights.”
“Oh.”
Cute Husband to the rescue:
“Mare, does that even make sense? Swordfish? I mean, they’re fish. They need water to live. Go put your tights on.”
“But I’m afraid of swordfish!”
“UNLESS YOUR TIGHTS HAVE BEEN LIVING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ATLANTIC AND HAVE JUST NOW WANDERED IN, CRAMMED FULL OF SEA LIFE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.”
Dr. GP: Boy you sure are sick.
DaMomma (hacking dramatically): I know. I’m dying. It’s been, like, three weeks.
Dr. GP: Lungs sound great, though. Really, blood pressure is excellent. You’re in perfect health.
DaMomma (crestfallen): Does that mean no drugs?
Dr. GP: Oh, I can’t give you anything for this. I really can’t justify it.
DaMomma (tiny, sad voice): Drink fluids?
Dr. GP: Lots.
DaMomma: Oh, yay.
Dr. GP: Thanks so much for coming.
DaMomma: Could you at least write my husband a note and let him know I’m really really sick?
“Momma, how do swordfish get their swords?”
“Oh, that’s easy Mare. They get it from crawling through little girl’s tights.”
We are making a dinner to celebrate Sunbeam’s college acceptance. I am forming tiny little hamburger sliders while the girls decorate with crepe paper, balloons, and dolls.
We mix Momma’s Buttery Cake and make buttercream with strawberry jam. I guess this is a taste of how I will feel when my own girls get their college acceptances. So proud. But I am lonely for Sunbeam. Our house won’t be the same without her.
“MOMMA TELL RENNY TO STOP FRIGHTENING ME!!” Mare screams into the kitchen. Renny, behind her, is holding a flashlight up to her face and cackling.
“BLOODY MAAAAAARY!!!” Renny shrieks. I stare for a long moment.
“Where did you learn that?” I ask.
“Daring Book for Girls,” she answers with a shrug.
“STOP THAT.”
“Oh’tay. Mare, it just a joke. I not like a swordfish or anything.”
“Promise you’ll stop?”
“Yeah, yeah, oh’tay.”
I stare dumbly at Ren.
“Who are you?”
“Momma, Renny took my doll and said I could have it back when I cleaned up her mess in the toy room.”
“KARENNA ELIZABETH.”
“I just joke’n. That’s all. Ha-ha-ha. Here’s your doll.”
“Seriously … who are you??”
“So where do swordfish live?”
“In the ocean,” I answer.
“… and in your closet,” Cute Husband says. “And probably under your bed, just don’t look.”
“Oh, and in the toilet,” I add.
“You guys are terrible,” Mare says. “Aren’t you supposed to, like, make me feel better?”
We look at each other and shrug.
“Sure, we could go that way. But it doesn’t sound like as much fun.”
The girls surprise Sunbeam. Mare has written her a card that says, “YAAAAAY COLLEGE WOOHOO!!”
She also has made up a party agenda:
1. Cake
2. Dinner
3. Party Games
They have put a long streamer of crepe paper between two easy chairs for Limbo.
Because if there is anything a girl should do when she gets into college, it’s Limbo.
DaMomma: Was your party good?”
Sunbeam: Yes. It was great. Ren ate mostly fries, though. And cake.
DaMomma: That’s okay. She was good otherwise?
Sunbeam: Well, at one point she took my cell phone and told me I could have it back after I cleaned up her mess.
DaMomma: Oh. Excellent.
yes, trouble indeed. big trouble
. just wait till Eden gets a hand in it all! I can’t wait to see what happens to Ren as a middle child … oh yes. hope you feel better!
I have read your blog for ages…checking it every day but never commenting. But today is different – I have never laughed as hard as I have today!! Too funny!! I only hope you will be able to keep it up with 3 lively girls – I would miss the antics!! Bonnie
Is anyone safe from the pint sized blackmailing Ren ? She really, really doesn’t like cleaning up, does she ? What a riot. Can’t wait to see what she comes up with next!
See, these are the types of things that you can never be prepared for pre-parenthood. Granted, I slept through a lot of the childbirth/parenting classes, but I’m pretty sure there was no section on dealing with fear of swordfish in tights.
LOVED today’s post!
Bwwaaaaahhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhaaaaha
I just jokin’
Bwwaaaaahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaahhhaaa
Swordfish is really good to eat though… Does that help ?
Ren is as unbelievable as ever. Scarily smart.
re: the note for your husband that you’re really sick. there’s a humor forward going around with comments made to the proctologist while people are getting a colonoscopy. my favorite was the man who asked the doctor to write his wife a note, saying that his head was indeed not up there.
Oh boy. I bet you get all sorts of comments like “wow, she’s a character” and “she must be soooo fun!” all while you’re about to throttle her. No? Hmmm. Maybe that’s me with my son.
Seriously that girl is taking after someone and I’m going to guess it’s her super smart mommy.
thank god ed and i are not the only parents that kind of “torture” poor mila into thinking that boogie monsters, etc live under her bed, etc… seriously, minus my delirium from working and having to deal with my own “genius” of leaving the light on in the car and draining the living crap out of my car battery, this vinigarette was the one thing that i needed to make me chuckle the entire day… thanks liz… i needed the good laugh
OMG, that Renny is too funny! What a little mastermind! I feel for Mary – my little sister used to chase me and my friends around with a booger on her finger. I’m still traumatized by it, LOL!
“Sure, we could go that way. But it doesn’t sound like as much fun.”
That’s how we roll too. Maggie gets sooo upset with us.
I just laughed so hard that I almost peed. I’m too young for that! Now, if only I could blackmail my boyfriend similarly.
Great post…but I write you now as a Sunbeam from Christmas Future (best phrase I could come up with to describe accurately)….I was Sunbeam to several families all through high school, but two in particular. The one, with three nutty, adorable kids–and two parents I adored–gave me, as a h.s. graduation present, the use of their 300ZX t-top sports car for my senior beach week (I loved cars), talk about trust, talk about one happy teenager!! The other family who I started babysitting for when #1 was 2mo. old–and watched when they went to the hospital to have #2, I am still close with today as #1 is finishing up nursing school and #2 is a sophomore in college. They moved away, but I spent Spring Breaks with them, Thanksgivings, each of the kids spent their first vacation away from home, alone, with us, and then years later, the whole family came to visit us in Paris for Xmas–leaving the U.S. for the first time. I call the kids on their birthdays still (I’m Aunty L) and they are and always will be family….I feel/love the bond you have with Sunbeam, don’t be sad, keep in touch, and the girls will continue to have her as a role model. Both of my ‘kids’ have said to me what it meant over the years to have me in their lives and I cannot tell you how it touches the soul.
“I just joke’n. That’s all. Ha-ha-ha. Here’s your doll.” –> that just made me laugh out loud.
Your kids? Are AWESOME! What great personalities! (And trust me, I know I have a wealth of personality to come from my already spunky 10 month old second born). Ren? Hilarious
And we totally torture our three year old by telling her that chimichangas are in fact, equipped with teeth to eat three year olds. She LOVES that, let me tell you.
Hope you’re getting rest as you can! I’ll be following in your footsteps in about 4 months. (almost 5 along now!)
He, he…swordfish…pesky critters indeed!
Seriously funny stuff going on in your house. I love your kids. Sunbeam isn’t going to college in Minnesota by chance. I’d offer her a job and pay her well! What a treasure she is.
Who would have thought swordfish were so clever in their pursuit of little girls?
I read your comments about Southern Candymakers and their pralines, and I had to go check out their website, darnyou to heck! They look amazing. I noticed that they had a wishlist set up there, and I’m thinking if a certain Damomma set one up, she might find herself supplied with pralines and such while waiting for the blessed event:) Just a thought!!
I wish i could you could document the little devious grin that goes with rens evil plots. it makes you confused rather than angry.
Dia-lobical genius, that Ren….hahahahhahahaaaaaaaa!
OH Lord! I was rolling on the floor with that one but it lends itself to a story I’ve wanted to tell you about something Gessner said last week! We were at the hous in Miami and went for our first visit to the seaquarium. The whole time we’re walking around dragging the grandparents behind us (look at my facebook pics) Gessner is looking at all of the funny things that they have there for kids to do and high points of each animal that they should learn about. This made Gessner think of spending time with Mare and Roo durring Will’s wedding when we learned about planets and dinosaurs. So it’s getting late and finally it’s time for the dolphin show. As we stand there watching them jump through hoops and dance on their tails for fish treats Gessner leans over and says “You know who would love this? Mary and Renna.” Though sadly they have no swordfish the next time we go we’ll have to bring the girls along.