Hard enough
“Momma, what’s wrong with your eye?”
Mare is in my lap. We’ve been on the couch for hours, watching movies and eating soup.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“What’s the red thing?”
“Can you bring me a mirror?” I ask. The bathroom is only steps away, but I am too tired to move. Finally, I go look at it.
A burst blood vessel in my right eye.
“I really don’t like it,” the OB on call says. “How long has your head been hurting?”
“It always hurts when I’m pregnant,” I say. This is what makes it so hard — I have no idea how bad I feel because I can’t remember the last time I felt good. “I take Zofran and two extra-strength Tylenol twice a day. But the last couple of days the Tylenol hasn’t touched the headache.”
“Have you ever had high blood pressure?”
“No,” I say, “but isn’t it too early for preeclampsia?” I ask. Don’t ask me how I know this — years of pregnancies, and friends’ pregnancies … and a single episode of “ER.”
“Well, it’s a little early,” she admits. “But a headache for three days and no relief … I just feel like I want a look at you.”
Call your GP, she finally decides. I want him in on this discussion, then call me back.
By then Cute Husband is home. He gets the kids to bed. I stagger up to my own bed and wait for the return call from the GP. I turn on the tube.
Dog, the Bounty Hunter is on. Look. Here’s me in my bedroom with a headache, watching TV waiting for it to get better. This never happens. The phone rings.
“You’re not going to like what he said,” the nurse practitioner from the GP’s office tells me. “He doesn’t like it. He’s worried about your blood pressure.”
“I’ve never had high blood pressure,” I say.
“I’m just telling you what he said. He wants you to go over to labor and delivery right now.”
It’s too early. The baby’s too little.
I called them so they would set my mind at ease, and now instead they are panicking me.
The kids are in bed, Cute Husband is hunched into his sweatshirt and the whole house is quiet.
I wonder if he is thinking it, too.
One of our regular dates in early courtship was to watch ER together. One of the first ones we watched was about a woman with preeclampsia– in the last five minutes of an otherwise perfectly diverting episode, the mother dies in a terrible, bloody birth. I was so upset by it, I didn’t watch the show for a couple of weeks. I still won’t watch that episode if I catch it in reruns.
In a funny way, it was the first birth we attended together, and we never forgot it.
“I’ve always had obscenely low blood pressure,” I say firmly to Cute Husband. “Remember? –Even in the c-section, it never went above 120.”
We really want you to go in and get checked, both of my doctors had said.
The cure for severe preeclampsia is to deliver the baby.
We were too lucky, we had too much.
Finally a compromise the OB and general practitioner agree on — my friend Ryan, a nurse practitioner, comes over with her blood pressure cuff. Ryan puts the cuff on, inflates it, and we both stare as the dial counts down.
“117/79,” Ryan smiles. “Doesn’t get much better than that.”
I pause a minute to admire how cool I am that even the stress of the night hasn’t raised my blood pressure. And then I am so grateful I want to explode.
“Okay, you definitely don’t have preeclampsia,” the OB says. “I am not happy about this headache, though.”
I’m not happy about it either. One way or the other, I have been sick since July.
“Can I take a Percocet?” I ask.
“Take two,” she recommends. I take just one — leftover from the Lyme headaches — and go to bed. And once again here I am, curled into the ancient afghan, feeling lousy in the flickering light of the television.
Little One kicks happily away in my belly, safe. I’m so freaking glad.
There was no episode of ER that covered this — not sudden, bloddy death, but the slow plodding struggle at life. I’m not in the hospital fighting in a blood bath. I am just back in my little room, hurting, waiting for it to get better.
October 30th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Oh Liz! I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with awful headaches as well as feeling crappy in general from being pregnant…. BUT I am SO VERY HAPPY to hear that your blood pressure is not the culprit! Hope you can feel better SOON!
October 30th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
OMG. I cannot watch that episode of ER either. And, I do not have kids. Sending good thoughts.
October 30th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I remember watching that episode when I was in college- it totally freaked me out! Glad your headache isn’t pre-eclampsia, I hope that it goes away soon.
October 30th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Aww, Liz, can’t just ONE of your pregnancies be nice and easy and not full of constant puke and pain and worry?
October 30th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
feel better soon! lots of good thoughts and prayers going your way!
October 30th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
I’m so sorry that you feel so terrible - I hope you feel better soon. I can’t imagine how bad it must be to feel so sick all day every day.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
I think every time I’ve been pregnant there has been some horrible episode of ER that had me bawling and hoping that nothing would happen to the little one in my belly. I should have known better than to watch the show I guess.
Glad your bp is good. (My mom always asks if I’m even alive mine is so good…even when pg.) Hope that headache makes an exit now.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I hate, hate, hate that episode of ER. I had HELLP syndrome with my first pregnancy (a severe form of pre-eclampsia) and caught that episode as a rerun about a week later. My baby was fine and after a VERY scary 3 days I was ok, but that episode really hit it home for me. I was tears for hours… the hormones were not helping matters.
Anyway, please take care of yourself and make sure to keep doing what you’re doing! I can’t wait to hear more about baby #3!
October 30th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Wow — I’m insanely glad I never saw that episode of ER. My entire pregnancy my blood pressure was low, then when I went into labor it skyrocketed and suddenly I was in the midst of full-blown preeclampsia. Both baby and me are fine (she’s 4 months on Tues!) although it was a scary time, but having that tv show memory in my head would have made me flip out.
Will be praying for you, the family, and the new little one.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Hello, Momma,
I don’t have to tell you how beautiful your children are. From reading your blog, it sounds like you are one of those rare and precious souls who was just born for motherhood.
But, my god, your pregnancies are horrific, without fail. My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best of luck.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
I saw that episode of ER when it first aired years ago. I only saw it that one time, but it made such an impression that it came back to haunt me years later when I was pregnant. I was sure that was going to happen to me. My husband kept telling me that it was just a show (which didn’t really help). Fortunately, life did not imitate “art.”
Take care of yourself! Rest as much as you can!
October 30th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Elizabeth,
I’m with the other Stephanie…I’m so sorry this is happening, but I too am glad that it isn’t what they thought.
Did you have headaches when pregnant with your girls? The reason I ask is that when I was pregnant (and on bedrest with HG,) I had HORRIBLE headaches… they eventually determined it was from the Zofran, but I was taking a much higher dose than the tablets as I was taking it through a PICC line. Just a thought.
Hang in there.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:40 am
Of course there isn’t an ER about real life–its not exciting, its not riveting, it just is. Its a series of decisions, truths, choices and experiences that are generally too small to capture anyone’s attention for 30 or 60 minutes. And while it stinks to have to wait for the headache and the hurting to get better, they will. And that new little kiddo in there will get to hear the story of how they started. And it will make them giggle someday. And you will giggle too.
You have reminded me, so many times, that things are only as important and amazing and as meaningful as you allow them to be–for better or worse. Take comfort in the husband who helps care for you and your sweet girls. Take comfort in the knowledge that in just a few short months, you’ll have one more little one here with the rest of your family.
I’m sorry you don’t feel well. This too will pass and you will long for the days when you had a good excuse to sit and watch Dog and do nothing for a little while!
October 31st, 2008 at 12:51 am
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I hope the headache eases up. My daughter had them so bad with all 6 of her pregnancies (all boys). No, she wasn’t trying for a girl. When I had our 6 children, I never felt better when I got past the 4 month mark. Praying you will get over this SOON.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:36 am
As someone who had never felt worse than when I was pregnant, from the bottom of my heart I hope things get better for you. We might not be part of the chosen ones who feel amazing the entire time but we are strong (perhaps a bit bitchy) woman who love our children. I think that’s more than enough.
October 31st, 2008 at 4:14 am
I read everything you post and don’t usually comment, but I wanted to reach out today and send you the best wishes possible. I’ve never been pregnant (I’m 23) but I was born by caesarian nine weeks early because my mum had pre-eclampsia.
The headache sounds utterly crappy. Hope it eases up soon for you (and hope that at least ridding your mind of anxiety about the blood pressure helps).
Sending love & prayers from the UK,
Ali
October 31st, 2008 at 6:47 am
That is a tough episode of ER. I remember it well. Keep yourself healthy!
October 31st, 2008 at 7:52 am
I was worried when I read about the headache in the previous post. I’m glad you called, I’m sorry it stressed you and Cute husband out.
Lady just feel better.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:25 am
So sorry - you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers this weekend.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:56 am
Well, it must be a tribute to your writing and my ability to get attached to people I’ve never actually met…but I was getting pretty scared for you and the Little One. I will pray for you and your family. Is it okay for a stranger to send hugs from afar? If only I knew how to ship them…you can tell your girls to pay you the hugs, that might work.
October 31st, 2008 at 9:20 am
My blood pressure is always very low as well, even when I am pregnant. The headaches could possibly be from the hormones. I was about 4 and a half months along when all of a sudden I was throwing up every 5 minutes and had screaming headaches. The blood vessels in my eyes and face kept popping. No harm, just hormones! Hopefully that is all that is going on with you too. Take care and feel better soon!
October 31st, 2008 at 10:28 am
Think positive! I know what it’s like to have 2 beautiful healthy children, then to feel like maybe you’ve tempted fate by trying for the 3rd. It all works out in the end! You’ll have 3 monsters running around before you know it!
October 31st, 2008 at 11:06 am
So sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. But so glad to know that you and your little one are all right. It really feels rotten…..to feel so rotten. It will get better but until then hang in there and know that you are in my (and other’s) caring thoughts.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:16 am
i adore ER, but i will never watch that episode again either. it tears me up just thinking about it. or the one where dr. greene gets the crap beat out of him in the bathroom.
but if your blood pressure had been high, i think they would’ve just given you medication to bring it down. i had pregnancy-induced hypertension through at least half of my pregnancy. i kept it down by eating lots of vegetables, drinking an insane amount of water, swimming, visualization, etc. if and when i get preggers again, i’ll probably live on salads and smoothies (god help me).
anyway, i’m glad you’re not hypertensive. hope the headache goes away.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:26 am
My pregnancy #3 has been much more difficult, too. *hug*
October 31st, 2008 at 11:49 am
Your pregnancies are perfect weapons to use against the angels when they are difficultr teenagers. Praying for a healthy baby, and relief for you.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Love you Liz.
I think ER in general is bad for pregnant women. I had to stop watching it with Elyas. And yeah, someone needs to write a kick ass pilot about everyone who has ever just plugged through the hard times…curled up in a blanket, waiting to feel better.
November 1st, 2008 at 8:41 am
i had preeclampsia. It was dramatic. Now I have The Beast that doesn’t sleep but all is good
November 1st, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I remember that episode. I was at seminary, living in a dorm and we watched it with a room full of about twenty people. Several left the room. Rough one, that.
I’m glad you’re feeling better, but I do hope that the headaches leave you alone soon. I am SO over headaches after three years of chronic daily headache (relieved ultimately with Trigger Point Injection) - but I am ultra sensitive to other people’s headache pain now. I just REALLY hope it eases soon.