I open my front door, aching and nauseated, and smile to find Sunbeam working at the kitchen sink. I have walked in on her daily mission of mercy — emptying the girls’ lunch boxes and cleaning the Tupperware before I get one whiff and spend the night barfing.
I grin, and she knows the sonogram was okay, and then I show her the picture — a silhouette, Little One in profile. A nose, little lips, belly, two perfect little arms and legs.
“Do you know? Is it a boy or girl?”
Why is does everyone keep freaking asking me that?
“Cutest little crossed ankles you ever saw,” I say. “C’mon.” She follows me to the living room where I open a drawer and dig among the placemats. I take out a shiny white cardboard package.
PINK OR BLUE?? — It screams in fonts of the requisite colors.
“OHMAGAWD!” she says.
“I KNOW!!” I say. She follows me to the family room. Mare is there, putting the finishing touches on her homework before bed.
“What’s that?” Mare asks.
“It’s a test to find out whether the baby is a boy or girl. It’s science. Want to help?”
“Make sure there are no males present,” Sunbeam reads from the instructions. “Wash area to be tested carefully with enclosed alcohol wipe.” We open the package and Sunbeam smears the wipe around my middle finger — which was already stabbed twice today for the blood for the AFP test. (My middle finger hasn’t been this exercised since I first learned how to drive in downtown Boston.)
“To avoid male contamination from the surface, lay out a clean paper towel to set the test strip on.” She dutifully rips off a paper towel and sets it out.
“Hey, gang,” Cute Husband says from the door. “What’s –”
“AAIEEEEEEEE!!!!!” Three girly screams and a door slammed in his face.
“Good job, Mare,” I say, as she barricades the door against her father. Who just wants to sit on the couch with a beer and watch the tube.
“What did I do?” he asks meekly from the other side.
“You’ll contamimate the test!” Mare shouts.
“ContaMINate,” I correct.
“CONTAMIMATE!!” she says.
“Okay,” Sunbeam says with great authority. (Have I mentioned she is considering a career in medicine? I think she will be fabulous, don’t you?) “I think you use this thing to stab yourself,” — she hands me a little plastic tool that looks oddly like the thing I used to put Mare’s princess castle together — “.. and then you bleed on the card.”
She points to the picture for reference.
“Stab,” she repeats, “bleed.”
Okedoke. Stab …
Sumbitch that hurt.
… bleed?
I squeeze. One little pinprick of blood comes out, and I drop it over the test card, right into the middle of one of the little circles. I’m pleased. We look at the blood, the card, my sad aching little finger.
“It’s not enough,” Sunbeam says.
“Well, it’s going to have to do,” I say.
“No, look, right here, it’s not enough.” Another picture in the little pamphlet: depicting a little drop of blood in the middle of a circle. It looks eerily like the one I just made. Over it, the words: NOT ENOUGH.
“That’s why they gave you two of these.” She hands me another finger-stabber-thingy and nods expectantly at the other hand. I swallow.
Holy shit this is my fourth stab of the day.
“OW!” Another little red pinprick.
“Okay, look, we need to get the blood down there,” Sunbeam says. She starts kneading my arms. I’m holding my finger over that freaking circle trying my very best to bleed adequately. Then she starts with the karate chops. Up and down my arms. Little drops of blood are going every where. Some are even getting on the card, but it’s turning out to be monstrously difficult to bleed on target.
She’s chopping one arm, I’m squeezing the finger on the other, and Mare is standing, staring in horror.
“I got it, I got it,” Sunbeam says.
Blood. Everywhere. It’s all over the play room. It’s on the table, the floor. We pick up the card. It’s dripping.
“I think that’s good,” she says.
“Yeah, yeah,” I agree. That’s when I drop the card. The carefully-uncontaminated-judiciously-bled-on-freaking-card.
It lands, face down, on the floor.
What’s the rule on bloody cardboard? Ten seconds, what?
“Still good, still good,” I say, scooping it up.
“Congratulations, we are pleased to inform you you are having a cat,” Sunbeam says.
Whatever. We cram it into the envelope. If they need any help identifying me, they can use the bloody thumbprint on the package.
I do wonder, though, what the mailman will think.
I received this product for free to review on this website. The test is produced byConsumer Genetics and is very simple and logical. 7 weeks after conception (or about 10 weeks from LMP) the baby is emitting DNA material that goes into the mother’s blood stream. A sample of the blood is tested for male DNA. If there is some, then it’s a boy. If there isn’t, it’s a girl. That’s why it’s important not to contaminate your little bloody card.
The test was pretty easy to do, and the company was very responsive to my e-mailed inquiries. The downside, of course, is the price tag. $244, according to their website. Given that most prenatal providers now are happy to identify sex by sonogram, it’s basically a lot of money to pay for impatience.
However, if you have the money to spend, and don’t mind a little blood, it’s fun. It’s also amazingly fast. I sent the sample late last week and received an e-mail result as I was typing this post.
Not that I’m going to tell you what it was.
heh heh heh… jerk. ;o)
I remember my brief foray into Boston traffic- I had a local in the car with me, Tennessee tags, and she would holler out the window “Tennessee! Coming thru!!” -told her if she couldnt find me, I was probably driving around and around a rotary looking lost…
where was Ren during the bloodletting?
You, my friend, are evil. I will never again wonder where the Roodle gets it.
Twitter this my friend..
Ei was right, you ARE a bitch.
Oh. COME. ON!! That was MEAN for a very sleep deprived Mommy who was looking for a bit of happiness on a morning where my 3 year old has decided to sprout horns!!!!!
Oh, I get it! Blood or Gore!
A little late to the game but wanted to add my congratulations as well. I am awaiting the birth of my third (due on Halloween) and haven’t found out the gender of any of my kids ahead of time so you can’t piss me off! So there!
Although need I remind you that you let us know that Ren was a girl ahead of time (I still vividly remember that post…Ducky saying you’ll always be grateful to have girls). Anyway, congrats!
Ooooh, that was mean!
I’m not sure how those tests have improved in the last several years, but I learned in the last health class I took in high school that they’re really only accurate if you’re having a boy. If they detect a Y-chromasome, it has to be a boy. If they detect an X-chromasome, it could be a girl, it could be the mom’s X, or it could be the boy’s X. Just to throw a wrench in the works
Whatever the newest issue turnsout to be will be wonderful…as are you (well, now that I’m over the emotional whiplash.) As long as you keep writing for us, I’ll forgive you for the book …after all, I was lucky enough to spend quite a bit of time with it!
Stop the presses!
Wait a sec, here. I don’t check in for a few weeks and you drop this bombshell? You are pregnant?!? OMG congratualations!!!!!!! That is such exciting news. I remember you mentioning that if the timing were right you’d like to have another. WOOOOW! YAY!
You may now resume your regular broadcasting.
Wait wait! Liz says she won’t tell us, but she knows. The Red Sox win last night…….YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TELL ANYONE UNTIL THE WORLD SERIES IS OVER. You know, just in case.
I am hoping for a boy for you too. They are such a different experience. Of course, then you need all new stuff.
OMG ROFLMAO
I love you, I love twitter, I still wanna know what the effing results were..
From the looks of your twitter, it seems as if you are gonna keep this little game up for the next 20 or so weeks. It’s a shame really… not for us, but for you. Taking this much joy by stringing along this many kind.minded.well.wishers seems to put you at odds with Karma. Restock the loser.cruiser with puke bags. Go ahead, tempt fate.
i am going to go AGAINST the general consensus and say GOOD FOR YOU! You take on and do so much, you deserve this little secret to yourself. You and that baby can have some secret, bonding alone time for the next few months or so, sharing this little secret. Lord knows you won’t get any alone time and very few secrets once he/she is born
Congrats again!
Do Mary and Ren know? If so, too bad they don’t know how to blog…
I Love suprises. I can wait ( :
seriously? Not telling? Man! You kill me Liz!
Yeah. what everyone else said. And here I thought you were a nice woman. You had me fooled.
OMG… CONGRATULATIONS… sorry for the online screaming… but HOLY CRAP!!!! i’m so happy for you and la casa de looney tunes… well i’m glad to know that you and miss sunbeam figured out that there is a cat in your tummy… ROTFL….
congrats again and sorry for the internet / online / weblog response shouting / squealing / yelling / excitement….
you should do a contest to see who can guess.
i’m going with boy.