The value of dreams
I can’t help looking at Sarah Palin with total kinship.
I’m not going to vote for her ticket, and I think she’s too young to be president, but oh, how I get her right now.
“Are you coming back?” the Doodle asked me today. Big blue eyes. Round naked belly. Worried little face.
“Mommas always come back,” I said, managing to keep my voice conversational. Reality is that I will be away from the kids three days a week starting now. Sunbeam will be taking them to gymnastics, carpooling, checking homework, conducting supper and tubs. Even with that help, I am wondering if I can carry it all.
“But I’m sad when you’re not with me,” she said.
But it’s the chance of a lifetime. If I don’t take it, I’ll always wonder.
“I’m sad when I’m not with you,” I said, dropping my briefcase beside her and pulling her into my lap. “But you’re always in my heart. And you and your sister are always the most important thing in my day.”
I won’t give you a mother with no dreams. I won’t give you a mother who was too chickenshit to try.
She looked so sad when I left her, I wanted to turn around and go back.
Which is why I kept going.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Liz, I love reading your book,and your blog. I love following your family story. I prayed for you and I cheered for you when you kicked Lime’s ass.
I completely get what your saying, and I understand your feelings as I too leave my own sweet girl for a spell each day, to go to work to help pay bills and to follow my own dreams. I understand.
But I respectfully ask, not her, please, not her. Let’s pick another strong, powerful, intelligent working woman as our kindred spirit.
There are PLENTY to chose from.
Like the one in the pant suit, who gave a rocking speech just last week in Denver. She too managed to work and raise a lovely child. And she did it without sarcastically mocking people with “Ivy League” educations who started their careers as community leaders. As if that is something to be ashamed of.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:38 am
Ah, Stephanie, you’re so right. This one is across party lines. Let’s leave it that way.
The one in the pantsuit, the one in St. Paul, both are women, both are mothers, and on this one all mothers should simply agree: it’s a damned hard job and we should support each other’s choices, regardless of the many ways we might differ.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:51 am
Wow, I just adore reading your posts. SO awesome. GO YOU!
September 5th, 2008 at 12:57 am
You nailed it, this is exactly what makes working motherhood so hard. The choice between being with them every second of the day versus being a mother that still wants to achieve things for the sake of their kids. It’s so hard. And you’re doing well. Keep it up, and please keep sharing the struggle with us.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:11 am
I’m not sure there’s much harder than making this decision, but I agree with you that giving your kids a mother with dreams is invaluable… Good luck!
September 5th, 2008 at 1:13 am
You rock. Seriously. You always manage to choose so wisely between your head and your heart. I find your words so inspiring sometimes. And as Carrie said, keep sharing the struggle with us. It is humbling to be reminded that I’m not the only one who finds this balancing act between wife, mother, and career woman so damn conflicting sometimes. Thank you. Right words, right time to hear them.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:39 am
I’ve been off work since my son was born 5 months ago, looking at going back part time now. I have no idea how I will be able to leave him, but I know he’ll be in good hands and that I’m making the right choice.
September 5th, 2008 at 6:49 am
You really nailed it. As hard as it is to leave our little ones each day, we make the choice to give them a role model who follows their dreams and is strong enough to achieve them.
Best of luck in your new endevor!
September 5th, 2008 at 6:50 am
It is important that your kids see you following your dreams. There’s a learning experience in there. It’s obvious how much you love your kids and I’m sure they know it deep down. Being a mother and trying to balance it all has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world.
And I can tell you from current personal experience that working a job that is not your dream solely to make ends me while it sucks the soul from you makes leaving your small child the most heartbreaking part of every day. That’s the position I’m stuck in right, but I’m really hoping to change that within the next six months. Life’s too short and too precious to lose your soul each and every day.
September 5th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Oh, yes. I totally get this. If I don’t pursue my dreams, saying I’d rather be with my baby or that she needs me, both true, I’d be using her as an excuse. She deserves a role model more than she needs a momma who’s always around cuddling.
And yes, yes about Sarah Palin. I appreciate your kindness about her. I don’t like her or agree with her, nor will I vote for her, either, not with y boyfriend Barack on the ticket, for sure. I hope your reference to her age is about her experience not her age. She’s only 3 years younger than Obama.
September 5th, 2008 at 8:34 am
you always manage to put the jumble of thoughts in my head into complete, and eloquently written order on your blog. I just started back to work full time, and as of next septmber when h is done with his schooling, it will be my turn to head back and finish what I started four years ago.
My mother, bless her heart, has a hard time understanding why I want to put myself through this, work, school, house, kids, and a husband…all at the same time. I don’t my children to see me as only their mom, housekeeper, chaffuer ect…I want them to see that I can still be a wonderful mother and still be a women who has dreams she can and will accomplish.
I am there with ya…good luck
September 5th, 2008 at 8:50 am
I am having avery hard time with this whole situation. I feel like a hypocrite, but honestly, I think Sarah Palin is putting her ambitions before her family and people have every right to ask if she can give 100% at both.
To clarify, I work 30-35 hours a week and have no issues with working moms. Damomma, I whole-heartedly understand your point of making tough decisions and sometime walking out of the door and leaving your kids to make a better world for them. I am hoping to finish my degree soon also which will mean a few more week nights away.
But her situation is different. Her family is in a crisis (at least, my opinion of having a preg 17 y.o.) and her sweet special needs baby is still an infant. She doesn’t know how his medical future is going to effect her daily life. I don’t fault or judge her for her daughter’s mistake (my mother could have easily been in the same boat!), but I just think this is poor timing on her part to make this choice. Sometimes, parents do have to say no to opportunities on behalf of their families.
September 5th, 2008 at 9:02 am
I struggle with WHEN I should begin following my dream. Staying home to raise my girls is invaluable as well. So I figure that one day I’ll just be ready to jump out there and see what happens. Someday. Not today.
Regardless of what anyone thinks of Palin politically, she has truly been given the opportunity of a lifetime and I imagine she’s fully aware of the tremendous challenges ahead, no matter the election turn out. No human is perfect, not Clinton and not Palin. But they are gutsy women and therefore my hat is off to both of them for their tremendous accomplishments.
But it is women like YOU who really impress me. Your girls know without a doubt they are secure in your love for them. Not matter the journey you take in life, your family is your heart and they will never have to question that.
You rock, Liz. Always!
September 5th, 2008 at 10:30 am
GOOD FOR YOU!
and from working mothers everywhere… thank you for this post!
September 5th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Very thought-provoking post (see comments). Such a hard issue for moms, to try to balance priorities, dreams, mothering, wifedom, etc….
The truth is that we’re all different. Some people were made in such a way that they find their groove and do it all. Some just can’t handle that.
I admire people who can do it all. I think moms who can even spend more quality time with their kids because they know the meaning of it.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I am probably the biggest champion of working moms.
I have always worked and I love my career. But if I had a pregnant teen-ager and a special needs infant, I would have to walk away. It would hurt and I wouldn’t want to, but my children have to come first. They are my first commitment.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Interesting post, I appreciate your viewpoint and hadn’t thought about working mothers exactly that way before.
Regarding Sarah Palin, however, I take exception with a few of the comments here. How exactly would her giving up this opportunity help her pregnant 17 year old daughter? I hardly think that giving up a dream as big as this would be an appropriate solution. What kind of example would that be for her daughter? And what is she supposed to do now, stay around and counsel her? What’s happened has happened. It could happen in any family and does. The best parenting doesn’t guarantee that your children will always make good choices. They seem to be making the best of the situation, from what I understand. Sarah Palin’s wasn’t going to give up her job as governor and I don’t see how the job of vice president is going to tax her family relationships any more than the job of governor.
As for her beautiful special-needs baby, why can’t her husband care for him as well as Sarah can? I see many fathers take on that role successfully. In a typical nuclear family where the father works, would the father quit his job to take care of a special-needs child? If it were her husband running for vice-president would we have a problem with him dedicating his time to a job while his wife took care of the baby? I don’t think so.
Sarah Palin has five children, four of which are above school age. In my experience growing up in a large family everyone takes on additional responsiblities to make things run smoothly. I would imagine that her family has become quite adept at taking care of each other as she’s been in public service for a while now. Those children will be taken care of by their mother, their father and their siblings. There is plenty of love to go around.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
lainakay - THANK YOU. I was just beginning to question why no one was commenting about that fact that no one would be criticizing MR. Palin if it were HE running for office. They’d praise him for his bravery to take on the job of VP while his wonderful wife stays home and takes care of their pregnant daughter and special needs son. The double standard is appalling in today’s world, and I hope that soon, a woman can run for office without her commitment and dedication to her family being questioned. Personally, I commend Sarah palin for going after what she wants and for doing what she believes is right by the people that she reperesents. She has been a strong force of change in Alaska, and whether you agree with her politics or not, you have to appreciate a woman who is not afraid to challenge the status quo and shake things up a bit.
Liz, you go, girl. You have done an incredible job by your children so far - you are truly someone that I look up to when it comes to raising strong, intelligent girls with integrity. Going back to school will in no way dimish your abililities to nurture and guide your children, in fact, it will only teach them more valuable lessons about drive, determination, and the chasing of dreams. You are an inspiration to me, and I hope that you will continue to do what you do, and not regret a second of it!!
September 5th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
How important dreams are! But let’s always remember that each family has specific needs and priorities and that timing is everything! You have chosen the right moment in your family to seize this opportunity…good for you! Sunbeam is part of your equation too… and the timing with cute husband’s work too. Go for it!!
I cherish the memory of a time when Ellie was about five, playing with a girlfriend and she said(as she tucked a briefcase under her little arm) “OK let’s play family. I’ll be the Mom and go to work but I’ll be right back!” It was a time when “working mothers” in our town were scarce, and my part-time job was rare. (Now it isn’t a rarity at all.) I was glad that she and her siblings could know that their Mom had a professional life as well as a home life.
But the sisterhood of women also needs to support each other when a woman needs to say “Not right now… it’s too much! Give me some more time.” The balancing act needs to be bolstered by support and the knowledge that choices do not imply failure. Making a tough choice, in fact, may be a huge success!
September 5th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Thanks, DaMomma, for writing a post about this issue that is not judgemental or cendescending.
Just… thank you.
September 5th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Liz, Your so refreshing and inspiring!!!
GO OBAMA!! :P)
September 5th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I seem to recall that Mr. Palin agreed to stay home with the kids full time if she gets elected. Just saying.
Anyway, I appreciate your post. It’s about time for the Mommy wars to be thwarted by an advocate who isn’t shouting at the opposite side about how their choice is right.
Respectfully, I have to offer the idea that perhaps for some, being home and raising kids is a dream and it is an appropriate roll model for the kids.
Just because someone stays home doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re forgoing all dreams to do so. For me, it’s where I want to be right now.
That being said, I think it comes down to contentment. Liz, if you’re excited about your opportunity and think it’s the best plan right now, power to you! You’re following a dream, it’s going to light a fire under you, you’ll be HAPPY to do it, and your girls are going to see that.
In the same way, someone can be equally happy and excited to make a home.
I just feel that each situation produces equally inspiring roll models.
Thanks again for your thoughts. Well said, (unlike this convoluted mess, I’m sure
September 5th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
um, role models. what the heck am I smoking tonight? *sigh*
September 5th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Finding the right balance is hard. I find it so easy to lose my identity outside of “Mommy.” But when I’m complete and follow my dreams I am personally a better mother and role model.
If you don’t mind sharing, what is this new dream you’re following?
September 6th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I never had a professional dream so for me staying home is no sacrifice. I keep hoping that a dream (beyond raising my kids) will occur to me once I send the youngest off to school. But no sign of one yet!!!
September 6th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Jen said it well…”for some, staying home IS the dream, and IS a role model for kids”! Absolutely true.
And sometimes the dream takes its form in “chapters” in a woman’s life… a chapter of working outside the home, a chapter at home full-time, and a chapter working part-time. The important thing is to recognize the value and worth of each person’s choice. And to include the value and worth of volunteer work as well!
September 6th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
The best advice for women that I ever heard was given by a highly successful professor, wife and mother during my convocation ceremony: “You can have it all, but perhaps not all at once.”
September 6th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
I will be doing my part to see that Gov. Palin remains in her current job.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Cheryl,
It’s mostly described in my sidebar, I think, but I am pursuing a Master’s in Creative Writing. In order to fund it, I have to teach one class for every one I take, so it’s going to be a while.
EBS
September 7th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Good for you!!
I’ll finish my undergrad this year (at the age of 39) and swing straight into a Masters program. It’s hard but I know that in the long run pursuing my dreams will be better for my family.
It’s not exactly the same, but similar enough that I can definitely relate.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
On a totally unrelated note, how is FB doing these days? The photo you posted several months ago of him passed out on a restaurant table was too funny for mere words.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Lee,
Thanks for asking after FB. He is less of an FB than he was before. He hit 40lbs at age 2 and now, at age 2 1/2, he is still 40 lbs.
I have one funny FB story. In the center of our town is a very huge statue of Noah Webster. FB walked up to the statue and started talking to him. I didn’t listen in, I just sat on a park bench and waited. After several minutes, FB walked over to me with his head hanging down. I asked him, “what’s wrong?” To which, he sadly gestured to the statue and said, “Mama, he no talk me!”
September 8th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
“Mama, he no talk me!” I love it. Thanks for giving me my first laugh of the day.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Dear Liz,
I’m laughing and crying with you. When my son says “Don’t go to work, stay with me.” I just want to weep, which is why I keep going, too.
Our children need mothers who love them, but they also need to live in a house and eat food which costs real money, and they do deserve mothers who have dreams and chase them. Our sons and our daughters will know that life is a tangle of love, and discipline, fun and responsibility. THAT is a good thing, but there are growing pains attached.
Love you and your column!
September 8th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
THANK YOU, KARIN!
I love the statue story too! Too funny! “He no talk me!” I wonder what he was saying to the statue and what he expected the statue to say in return? One can only wonder.
You son should now be known as NSFB (Not So Fat B…) It was bound to happen, the slimming down, but a few months ago in all his glory he was just delicious!
September 10th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Love the FB story. My 3YO at a recent museum exhibit that included wax, life-like figures “Mommy did they EVER talk?” She also approaches all store mannequins with fascination.
Don’t get me started on Sarah Palin. Makes me so angry that people are not willing to dig a bit beyond the surface presentation.
Liz, very well said on the working Mom conundrum. I do think it is important for themto understand how each of us make our contribution to the world. And while I consider them my greatest contribution — there is more of me to offer.
September 11th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Just as an FYI, in case you didn’t notice (which you probably did, but I’d rather say it unnecessarily than leave it unsaid and you unaware) - you apparently exceeded your bandwidth for Photobucket, so the blog is full of big blue and white boxes broadcasting this fact to the world to try and embarrass you into spending money on more bandwidth.
September 13th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
It’s the chance of a lifetime to be home with these little precious beings while they are little. What will you regret more? Not being there for a couple years out of your life for those precious ones or a job (and you cannot tell me that ANY job is worth that). I would rather be chickenshit than miss my babies growing up.