Crooked Grin Destiny
I found the doctor’s approach infuriating.
I am sure they taught him this in med school — and he has delivered far worse news to others than he currently is delivering to me, so obviously he’s the pro. But I don’t want to be managed. I want to be told. And the fact that he is calling personally, that he has left voicemails at all three of my numbers, that he is speaking with great deliberation tells me what he is taking forever to say.
The test was positive.
But I had already guessed that.
I dragged the kids to Wal-Mart this morning, buying Mare’s costume for High School Musical, and some more short sleeved shirts for her to wear to camp. Picking out things for Linds’ baby shower. I made a show of how great it was to have Momma back, how wonderful it is that that bizarre little blip-on-the-screen virus thing was so well behind us. The kids skipped along the aisles. Sheesh, of course it’s hard to keep up, I said to myself. You’ve been in bed for two weeks. Plug along, it’ll feel better.
Funny how my head still hurt after two triple lattes. But, hey, at least they helped, and there are worse things to be prescribed.
And, you know, I’m tired because that weird heart-thing kept waking me up last night. I should exercise more. Heart palpitations must come to people who don’t exercise enough.
I am sure my face feels funny from all that lying down. My tongue isn’t really numb, I just haven’t eaten much, so things taste funny.
But it sure was oppressively hot in that Wal-Mart. Was the a/c broken or something? On my way to checkout, I picked up a digital thermometer, ripped open the package, crammed the metal tip into my mouth. A fun feature: it glows red when you have a fever.
Bright freaking call-out-the-cavalry red with flashing digits: 101.4!! 101.4!!!
So when I see on the voicemail that the doc has called, I know. I hadn’t gotten a test result in the hospital, so had asked the GP for a re-test Tuesday, to be super-sure. It was the only test we were waiting on.
“You have Lyme disease,” he finally says.
I am mindless with fear. Instantly, just like that, I want to crawl out of my own skin, run somewhere, change the storyline, backup, do something.
Son of a bitch whore on a cracker.
“I think we caught it really early,” he is saying. “The test was negative in the hospital. They re-ran your spinal fluid and the Lyme antibodies were not in there yet. So I really think you’re on top of it. This isn’t something where you’re suffering for months and no one finds it. When it’s caught early, the chances of full recovery are very high.”
I sit down, rest my elbows on my knees, head in my hands, breathe. In through my nose, out through my … holy shit. I hike my shorts hem up.
On my thigh, unmistakable. The bull’s-eye rash.
I have Lyme disease.
I thought the scariest thing was to be sick and not know what it was. But that carries an inherent hope: you don’t know, you’re equally likely to have good news as bad.
But then you know, and you Google, and there are associations for people with your disease. There are information boards and horror stories and petitions to Congress.
The numbness in your face is Bell’s Palsy. The pain radiating in your joints is the effect of a bacteria crawling around your central nervous system. The Chinese woman in the gothic condominium was an hallucination and if things keep going, you’re going to start suffering memory loss and declined cognitive function.
“I’m telling you,” the doctor is saying, “we’ve caught it early, and the course of treatment is simple: Doxycycline for three weeks. And it’ll be better. You’ll be okay.”
The first night on Doxycycline I’m sprawled on the bed, pillows under aching extremities. I have taken Percocet for the pain, Phenergan for the nausea, Tylenol for the fever. A thunderstorm. The power goes out. The window a/c unit stops buzzing. I am alone in the hot dark, thinking about the bacteria running through my system, doing battle with the big blue pills I have swallowed to kill them.
I take my temp: 101.6!! 101.6!! Two more Tylenol, some gulps of warm fizzy water. The girls shove open the door and throw themselves into bed beside me. I feel like I should break into “Raindrops on roses.” Instead I mutter, “Be good to each other. Snuggle each other. Sisters always make it better.” My tongue is so thick, I’m lisping.
The laptop battery is charged. I flip it open and cool blue fills the room. I read Amy Tan’s essay, pore over the Lyme Disease Association page. I obsess with guilt and fault — I was not cautious enough. The kids will be sick next. No one will want to visit me because they will be afraid that they will get Lyme in my back yard.
I never want to go outside again. The Swingset that Blocks out the Sun is in the middle of a warzone. Nothing is safe.
Thunder cracks over the house, a flash in the room, the faces of my sleeping babies. Another temp-check. The red flashes: 101.7!! 101.7!!!
The rain patter starts, and I wish myself soaring out into it, arms out to the water and the heavens, ecstasy in humanity and universe and wind. A flash and I am hit, fall to earth, split open with lightning, spyroketes spilling out of me. Sublime, gross humanity.
A long day in the cool of the bedroom. More Percocet, Tylenol, Phenergan. Doxycycline.
At 7 p.m. the fever breaks (a happy green 98.2! 98.2!) and I am hungry. I eat chicken and potatoes, and it tastes good and I ask Cute Husband to do a tick-check on the kids before he puts them to bed.
“The size of a poppyseed,” the doc had said. The period at the end of this sentence.
I sprayed, and I checked, and still it got me — that tiny little speck has palsied my face and left me in agony.
There’s a cute Gwyenth Paltrow movie on — about flight attendants. Cute Husband brings me a latte, and then I listen to him putting the girls to bed. I feel sad and scared. But I am sitting up, the latte is helping my head, and the movie really is cute.
My eyes are watering. I squeeze them shut. Bell’s Palsy is reversing a lifelong quirk: I’ve only ever been able to wink my left eye. Now it hangs dumbly open while the right one pinches obediently. I run to the bathroom and experiment with facial contortions in sick fascination. My left side is flaccid and unresponsive.
It is ironic that it is Lyme — I’ve been afraid of it for years. I have called the doctor twice in the last two months when I pulled ticks off the kids. I goop them up in bug spray, and I tick-check them every night.
I do it all because I believe it constitutes choice. But here I am anyway.
I can’t keep the kids inside forever, and even if I did, something could get them there, too. There’s just a certain amount of bad luck in every life.
The lack of choice always brings the rat of panic scampering through my brain, but then I think a bit. It is nice to be powerless. Less work. Less responsibility. I don’t have to know whether I will still have this in ten years. I just have to do the best I can with it today.
I will hope that the blue horse pills kill the buggies dead and that this episode is behind us without further fuss. Or maybe I will suffer with a constellation of symptoms for many years. Who can say?
Besides, some people think crooked smiles are sexy. Although, droopy eyes really aren’t. So let’s hope that one goes away.
July 20th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Oh Liz. Bless your heart - and I mean that in the real way, not the “Southern” way which means “you’re so dumb”. As soon as I read this, I turned to my hubby and said, “We must check Jadyn every night for ticks!”
My hope and prayer is that you have a speedy recovery!
July 20th, 2008 at 3:09 am
Liz,
I’m so very sorry about the lyme. What a siege you’ve been under! I’m glad it’s not meningitis; hopefully the meds will continue to fight off the nasty and you will be back in full swing soon.
July 20th, 2008 at 6:55 am
Have just frantically googled “Lyme disease” to see what the hell it is - I’ve never heard of it! Does that make me uneducated or haven’t they “invented” it in Australia yet?
It sound like crap. You poor thing!! Here’s to a speedy recovery…
July 20th, 2008 at 7:12 am
When you’re on the other side of this, it’s going to feel pretty damn good. You’ll have faced down a huge fear and kicked it’s ass!
Still praying over the ass-kicking part though
July 20th, 2008 at 7:30 am
As bad as it seems now, at least they found a reason for your sickness.
Now kick its ass.
July 20th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Oh, Liz. I’m so sorry to hear that. The absolutely bizarre thing? One of my best friends is going through the mirror image exact same thing you are. He called me one night last week with terrible pain in his neck, and 24 hours later was in the hospital, misdiagnosed, in convulsions from the fever. Lyme Disease. He has the Bell’s Palsy too, quite severely, actually. Do they have you on an IV at home? He has that via a PIC line for the next two/three weeks.
Stay strong, girlie girl. You’re going to get better. The medicine will do its job. The Bell’s will go away. You are so strong, Liz. Both you and my beloved friend S will be fine. I’m sending as much good mojo as I can.
July 20th, 2008 at 8:18 am
That’s crappy. I’m really sorry. Thoughts and prayers out to you, the kids and CH.
July 20th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Wow!!! I am feeling so bad for you over here!!! Warm hugs are being sent your way ASAP!! Thankfully they caught it right away and now…soon…you will be…crossed fingers! all better. On that first day, the one where you are all better, you should go and buy yourself something pretty. Seriously!
More warm hugs and a cocktail,
dawn
July 20th, 2008 at 9:12 am
I’m so sorry Liz. Like a comment above me, I hadn’t really heard about Lyme disease before, but it does not sound fun at all. I hope you start feeling better very soon - I will be thinking of you.
July 20th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Get well– thinking of you and concerned!
July 20th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Man, I’m sorry!
And I’m praying. I hope the horse pills do all they are supposed to be, and this is just a bad memory in a few months.
July 20th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Ugh! I’m so sorry that those wicked ticks got you! I hope the meds get them and that you don’t have any long-term effects from this awful episode. I am not nearly as paranoid about ticks as I should be…. off to buy some spray with Deet!!
Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way, Liz! Get well soon!
July 20th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Hugs my friend. I’m devestated that you’ve had to go through this, and yet you are still there teaching us from every experience.
Next time I’d like you to teach us about winning the lottery gracefully, ‘k?
July 20th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Liz, I am so sorry. That just stinks. Many prayers for you!
July 20th, 2008 at 11:29 am
i have a friend who had lyme’s disease for years and it went misdiagnosed. she thought she was depressed, had fibromyalgia, migraines, you name it. finally it was correctly diagnosed and treated and she is completely, one hundred percent, back to her old self. you will be just fine after the treatment, i promise. i am so incredibly sorry you have to go through this.
July 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am
So sorry to hear you have Lyme’s. lots of hugs and prayers from The Graykens
July 20th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I’m so sorry, Liz. I’ll hold good thougths for your speedy recovery. I look forward to the I Fought the Lyme and I Won! essays. Take care
July 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I’m so sorry to hear you have Lyme Disease, but I’m so glad they caught it quickly. Get well soon!!!
July 20th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Praying for you. Truly.
hope this helps: my neighbor has Lymes and she’s on lifetime antibiotics (The same one you’re taking). She lives a happy, full life.
Hang in there. I wish I could help.
July 20th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
That totally SUCKS. You have realllllly had all of us so worried–judging by the comments recently!
I am just so thankful that one of the girls don’t have it too, sweet babies. Kick its ass, Liz. This will end up being one of your greatest lessons to your girls: that going through an illness is part of life, but it doesn’t take our love of life away from us. Much love and prayers coming your way…
July 20th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Oh holy f**k. I’m so sorry. Glad they caught it early, but mthrfkr this isn’t fair to you, or the girls. Hopefully the nasty blue pills will knock it out quick. Many prayers headead your way.
July 20th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Thinking of you all. Hang in there.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Hope the pills are going to do their thing and you’re going to feel better soon. This is a rotten illness to catch, but like your doctor said, you caught it early, and that is good! Will think of you in the coming days (weeks) and send what vibes I have to spare for your continued recovery.
Will also make sure to take more care to check for ticks after having been outside. Nasty buggers.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I’ve lurked for more than a year on your blog. I’ve had commentless tirades at you and given you a piece of my mind on more than a few occasions while washing the dishes. There is no doubt you irk me.
But honey, this is different. Mother to mother, I understand and sympathize and am praying for you and your family. This is frightening and heart-wrenching. I’m glad to hear your perspective on all this. Take care of yourself, tell your husband I applaud his supportiveness and let those precious girls of yours know that a stranger in Oregon believes their mommy is very brave, just for having the right attitude. Get better soon, Liz.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Hope you feel better real soon.
I will be more vigilante with my tick checks for sure.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
hey if its any help to know an acquaintance got Lyme and it struck his brain most intensely and he made a full recovery afew bouts of antibiotics. A good friend got Lyme and like you caught it quickly and he is fully recovered also.
It sounds like a sreadful experience to go through! here’s wishing you mucho strength for yourself and for catching back up with your kids!
July 20th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Wow…! So scary!
I’m glad that they found it quickly, and early. Take good care of yourself. For me (I’m still working on a diagnosis over here), I found that I had to just let some things, like housework, go. It was better to focus on my family then worrying about trying to kill myself to get things done that I couldn’t do anymore or found too exhausting.
Rest lots (prescribed lattes? I’m so there), we’ll be thinking of you.
July 20th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
The only fun part about having Bells Palsy: Being able to raise one eyebrow just like The Rock.
Get Well Soon!
July 20th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Liz, my heart goes out to you, you have been through it! I just want to gather you and the girls up and bring you here, to Santa Fe, where there are no such nasties… sure, we have rattlesnakes and black widow spiders, but I have seen one rattler and two black widows in all of my years here, and you never need bug spray! I am so glad they caught it early! I will be thinking of you and the girls! One day at a time, and, as someone said above, let things go, who gives a s**t what the house looks like- you have two amazing girls that you have raised beautifully, and that, and taking good care of yourself, is what matters!
July 20th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Liz - I just wanted to let you know that my nephew had Lyme’s a few years ago. Bell’s Palsy and all. Poor kid had a lopsided face in his preschool graduation picture. But he’s completely fine since then.
And my girlfriend had it, too, when pregnant. It took her a while but she kicked it, too. Had a healthy baby and a full recovery.
I really wish you a speedy and full recovery. Please feel free to email me if you’d like more information from either my sister or my friend.
Esti
July 20th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Liz,
I also had Lyme and Bell’s palsy on the left side of my face. It was miserable and I slept a lot, but eventually it went away, and the drugs helped a great deal. Don’t worry - George Clooney had Bell’s palsy as a kid and lost control of part of his face too. He says it was the beginning of him becoming a great actor. Just think of yourself as Damomma Clooney!
July 20th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Liz,
I’m sending prayers and hugs for you and your whole family from California. Take care of yourself, I hope the symptoms will ease quickly as the drugs do their job.
Christina
July 20th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Wow. I had no idea Lyme disease was that horrible. How scary.
Hope that medicine works quickly.
July 20th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I’m glad they figured it out, and quickly. Wishing you a quick and complete recovery. We don’t hear much about Lyme Disease around here, but I’ll be keeping an eye out in any case. All the best.
July 20th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
There is no fear but fe….what, drooping in your face prior to MENOPAUSE??!! That is just wrong!
GO DRUGS GO!
Sorry this just sucks. It’ll get better. I bet you a latte my chest outdroops your eye! (And I bet yours goes away before I can get the surgery to fix that!!)
July 20th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
well sh*t. can’t a girl catch a break? seriously, liz. speedy recovery to you, and lots of love to a family my family has come to adore.
July 20th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Good heavens! I’m so sorry to hear about this - and so glad it was caught so early. And here you were, slogging off to TJMaxx, buying pajamas for camp - in your condition! Please know that we’re sending you lots of positive thoughts and prayers. Get wellvery soon!
July 20th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Google can be a bitch, for sure. I frantically searched everywhere when I found out I had dysplasia on my cervix. Crazy, scary info out there in the world of internet research!
Listen to what doctor says, you will be fine, I’m sure of it! My mom had Lyme’s about 10 years ago and she is perfectly fine now. She was freaked, we all were freaked, but she did exactly as the doctor ordered and she’s all bettah
Thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind and a more restful heart!
July 20th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed for you, Liz! (typing is tough, will stop now)
July 20th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
oh god liz.. i’m so sorry that you have lyme disease. i pray and hope that the big blue horse pills are working overtime to get you better quickly and that the bell’s palsy will go away. a girlfriend of mine had bell’s palsy when she was prego with her first child. after the baby was born it went away.
i am sending good and healing vibes to you…
July 20th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Gosh! And I thought ear infections were bad. take care
July 20th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Just wanted to comment and chime in that I hope you feel better SOON! Your posts lift my day when I read them and your advice (that you didn’t give me - heehee) was great for my Daughter.
KICK IT”S ASS!
July 21st, 2008 at 12:55 am
Wow! That’s surely one of those things you are always scared of that never, happens… then it did. I’m so sorry to hear how sick you are. Sending loads of good ju-ju your way. Praying you feel better soon!
July 21st, 2008 at 1:17 am
Thinking of you and your family. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:39 am
Oh no! I’m so sorry you’re going through this… Hope you feel better and you’re feeling like yourself again soon…
July 21st, 2008 at 9:22 am
Okay, as soon as the worst is under control, or even sooner, get your butt down to a reputable accupuncturist to treat the Bells. Also, make sure your doctor has you on a good solid dose of steriods to reduce the swelling.
I just came through Bell’s earlier this summer. I thought I had a stroke. Thanks to the ER doctor I was taking 15 pills a day, none of them worked. I finally got into my GP and he had me into physio that day for accupuncture and IV steriods twice over that weekend with pills. It took 9 accupuncture treatments over 7 weeks but my face is 99% recovered. The only left overs are that my right eye finally doesn’t squint in photos *lol*
Prayers for you and your family. It’s been a hell of a month for you.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I will be praying for you and your family as you fight this. I am glad that you can experiment with facial contortions and at least try to make the bad into what good it can be. Your sense of humor is a real treasure for all times.
I have had friends who experienced Bell’s Palsy and you’d never know it to look at them now. So I hope it will be the same for you.
Thank you for sharing.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:27 pm
If it helps any, both a former coworker of mine and one of my dogs have had Lyme disease, did the Doxy thing, and came out just fine.
Hasn’t slowed BigGaloot down a bit.
(Or if it has, then I couldn’t imagine him at “full speed!”)
July 21st, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Well shit.
I wish I could stop by and offer to help with the girls, but you’re a long way from Oregon, so I’ll offer this:
A friend of mine who just recovered from post-natal Bell’s Palsy recommends good, repeated, frequent acupuncture. She had an every-other-day appt. with this great woman and it cleared up faster than her doctors had ever seen.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Shoot!
Be well!
July 21st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Hey there DaMomma,
Wishing you a fast recovery! Our little one year old neighbor just finished his pills for lymes, too. It can hit everywhere, but thankfully we’ve got stuff to fight it off. Enjoy your lattes!
July 21st, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Dang! Ticks freak me out so bad I can’t stand it. I had to pluck and engorged tick off of G’s head last year, and I was so worried, I was ill until the bite mark faded.
You’re going to get through this. If anyone can kick it’s ass, it’s you!
July 21st, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
July 21st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My best wishes to you, as always.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Liz, thinking of you and keeping you in prayer for a speedy recovery. You have truimphed over so many things in your life. This is only the latest. You can and will kick Lyme’s butt.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Liz you are amazing… to be able to write in your blog so well even though you have so much mental and physical discomfort! You are teaching us all about ticks, for sure, but we are also learning about a very strong woman with lots of character! (I’m sure you feel “enough character, already”, so maybe sharing the load with us readers helps… we all hope so!)
Let all your friends help you!
July 21st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Oh Liz!! I’m so sorry.
I only know about Bell’s Palsy because, as I googled facial nerve damage, searching for pics similar to what Aaric now has, I found that his most resembles that of Bell’s Palsy. Only his is from the skull fracture, and his is on the left side, but when he’s blank faced, it’s the right side that droops a little. Well, Lisa above pointed out that you can do cool eyebrow tricks, so I’ll add mine. I pointed out to Aaric that he can do an awesome pirate impersonation now! Argh! No effort at all to get only that one side to lift up! He seems to feel that it doesn’t make up for not being able to blow bubbles or whistle, though.
I’m praying that you recover quickly, and that the symptoms stay away for good.
And I’m so glad you’ve reminded me about checking for ticks. We’ve got a wooded area behind us, and I’m sure it’s full of ticks. It’s bad enough that I found black widows Saturday when I cleaned off my patio, but I hadn’t even been thinking about the freakin ticks!
July 21st, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Liz, I am so sorry to hear of your suffering! I had a friend at work that had awakened with Bell’s Palsey a couple of months ago. She was able to get some immediate relief, and then made a total recovery using accupuncture. It might help with that awful headache, as well…I really feel for you, because a wicked headache is the most awful thing! You can’t sleep, can’t eat because of the nausea, can’t even think, really. Make sure to keep up your caffeine, too, not like you need encouragement with the latte thing, though (just like me, lol)!!! We will be thinking good thoughts for you, hoping that you feel better soon!
Kristin
July 21st, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I’m so glad that you caught it early and that your treatment has already started. I hope you make a full and speedy recovery, Liz.
Ticks can be tricky little buggers. I’ve found them in the oddest places.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Aw crap! Feel better soon. Very soon.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Elizabeth! Blerg! Thinking of you…
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Liz,
I’m soo sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
many hugs
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Oh, what horrible news. Keep feeling hopeful and fighting it off!
July 26th, 2008 at 12:09 am
[…] grinned proudly (with one half of my face) while I fought the urge to drag her off the horse and run her home to her bassinette where she […]
July 27th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Lyme disease! As if you needed further proof that nothing good comes from Connecticut!
Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Hope you’re back to 100% very soon.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Liz.
I am so sorry to have lost touch for so long.
David had Lyme’s and the subsequent Bell’s Palsy the summer I was pregnant with Zack. He was able to fully smile at the birth of his son 6 months later and has been fully recovered since. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this - I know how scary it can be.
Hugs and I miss you!
-Cathy