Shouting the obvious
“You must be fucking, fucking stupid!” The angry little man shouting this at me from the cab of his white pickup truck was gripping my ATM card, the receipt and my cash. A lot of it.
I had gone to the bank drivethrough ATM to transfer funds to avoid a bounce. As I was madly trying to sort out the finances a student was returning my call to find out why I had stood her up for our scheduled meeting regarding her research paper.
I got distracted in the middle of the transaction and walked away. I was still talking to her when the man found me and started shouting.
“You must be fucking fucking stupid,” he repeated.
“I’ll have to call you back,” I said to the student, with a click of the phone.
“I must be,” I agreed.
“I have all your money right here in my hands,” he said. “I could drive off with it.”
I nodded.
“So are you goddamned stupid or what?” he demanded.
(I thought we already covered this?)
“I am,” I agreed, quietly memorizing his license plate while his hard little eyes glared. Behind him, people were honking. He was blocking the exit from the bank parking lot.
I realized then, that this man was in the dream senario.
He was completely right, and I was completely wrong. And what’s more, I was a stranger. Anything he said to me would have no reprecussions on the future.
He oogled me with the raw bloodlust of the morally superior.
“Well … do you want it back or what?” he spat.
“Yes,” I said.
“You’re fucking stupid, you know that?” he said, as I approached the window.
“Thank you,” I replied, taking my things and walking away. His car was gone in a screech.
What I thought about, sitting in my car counting my money, was Britney Spears.
All those magazines with her on the cover – her crazy self and her sad little boys – they’re all shouting, “You must be fucking fucking stupid.”
Because she is so wrong. Because it feels good to unleash a wave of invectives on someone else with the security of being absolutely right.
I was thinking that this morning, walking Renny to her classroom and finding myself — once AGAIN — tripping over the multiplicitious children strewn about by Corridor Woman: the mother who always manages to block the entire hallway getting her own kids in while the rest of us have to work around her.
Just like always, my inner monolgoue fired up. “Why does she always block this hallway HELLOOO we all have kids, places to be, you’re not the only one …”
I realized I was enjoying it. Being mad at her. Being right, when she was so utterly wrong. (I’m NEVER the with-it mother in the room.) That sting of anger I felt at her, that desire to tell her off … it actually made me feel good.
On a smaller level, I was shouting at her just like that guy in the truck was shouting at me. I was relishing my rightness.
“Lemme move you over here, kiddo,” I said this morning, picking up one of her kids and shifting him closer to the cubbies. “Can you put your own shoes in there, pal, get your slippers on? Bet you can!”
She threw me a dirty look, and I countered with a grin. “Do you ever think life would be way better if school started after cocktail hour?”
“Mandatory margaritas,” she laughed, and I saw her then for what she was — frazzled, disorganized, doing her best. The fact that she blocked the hallway had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the fact she can’t get it together, can’t manage her kids and probably not just here where it’s in my way.
“Sometimes I have Ren race to the cubby,” I said. “To put her hand on it. That gets her out of the doorway. And then I kind of work her way up to getting her own shoes off, sitting on the bench so she doesn’t get trampled on the floor.”
She nodded at me, and I figured that didn’t feel a lot better than “fucking fucking stupid.” I pulled Ren’s coat down, revealing jeans, her pajama tops and bedhead.
“Can I offer you some fashion tips while I’m here?” I asked. She laughed. Part of realizing I’m not perfect is realizing no one else is, either.
Obviously it was fucking stupid to leave my money in the ATM. Obviously Corridor Mom is having a hard time getting it together.
Obviously Britney is having some kind of major mental break.
What would the world be like if instead of standing there shouting the obvious, we offered help and encouragement and the kind of empathy that comes from knowing just how hard it is?
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Ahhhhh, what a wonderful world it would be if we could do that.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Yup, yup.
Ahem. Can I just say, you can take the girl out of UU, but you can’t take the UU out of the girl?
I really do adore you, Liz.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Watched as my 2-year-old daughter put her hand on the stovetop burner last night. The ER doc was kind enough not to call me fucking stupid…but that didn’t stop me from doing it to myself. Maybe we could cut ourselves a break too, while we’re at it.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
You made me cry today, Liz. In a good way.
Love and hugs to you and yours, sweetie. And I’m so glad that angry, self-righteous little man gave you your stuff back.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Amen Sister…it’s so easy to get on a soapbox and tell the world how right we are and how wrong everyone else is…
I will not be a angry little “man” today…
Thanks
January 22nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
If only. Heh.
January 22nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Wouldn’t that be lovely? Just to give everyone a break? Maybe especially Britney. Or, at the very least, ourselves.
Thanks, Liz. As usual, you’ve made me think. (And maybe laugh a little, too!)
January 22nd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I loved this post! I have those days when I feel like everyone has been put in my way specifically to annoy me…. its amazing how a small kind gesture or some humor can turn any situation around. So important to do and so hard to remember. I am more often than not the harried Mom blocking the doorway, or the stressed out Mom wandering away from the ATM w/out my cash, or holding up the supermarket line b/c I can’t find my wallet, or holding up traffic at a green light while I contort myself into the backseat to retrieve a sippy cup…. the list could go on and on….
January 22nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
For me, it’s the fact that I so rarely feel right that makes it so much fun when I am. Ooooo … look at dipshit blocking the hallway! Why can’t she get it together?? Fun, fun, it’s not ME!
January 22nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Amazing that you could take the scenario and spin it into a Learning Moment! AND THEN use it to help another. Wow, I am utterly blown away. My eyes are wide open. Thank you.
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
What an awesome post. You are so right. If only everyone could come to that realization!
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Great post - so true
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I’ve never thought about it that way, but you’re right. How crazy is it that it makes me feel good to be angry with someone else? Thank you for the reminder to be deliberately kind.
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
It has been a long, long, long time since I posted (I’m the girl who shares an anniversary with you and your hubby.) but I just had to comment on this post. I am one of the few who just feels so very, very sorry for Britney Spears. Not that I think she should have custody of her children, they are obviously not safe there… right now. But I can’t imagine having a mental breakdown with the whole world watching.
Liz, if the world had more moms like you, oh, what a great place this would be! Wonderful post!
January 22nd, 2008 at 4:27 pm
…this is SO not just about moms. This is everyone. =( I think I’m going to bookmark this for periodic rereading…
January 22nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Thanks for this! (Trying not to tear-up at work…) This is very meaningful to me and something I’ve been struggling with myself. To judge others is pure folly. If it weren’t for a few more personal issues, a subtle shuffle of the DNA, another mess in the kitchen, it could be us in the white pick-up truck or in the coridor or on the pages of People. I’ll try to remember this today instead of yelling at the bicyclists here on campus where I work.
January 22nd, 2008 at 4:49 pm
In the immortal words of someone whose name I have forgotten, “That’ll preach!”
January 22nd, 2008 at 4:59 pm
No t too many of us are inhabitants of Planet Perfect. But I must confess that I have very little sympathy for Britney Spears.
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:28 pm
That guy was fucking stupid.
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Thank you. That’s all I have to say…just, Thank you.
I think it’s so important to recognize that we’ve all been on both sides. We’ve had opportunities to be right…oh-so-right, couldn’t-be-wrong kind of moments. But I think most of us (especially with kids) have had more moments where we’re frazzled, disorganized, and maybe even f-ing stupid. I think compassion is useful on both sides of the coin, along with the recognition that you won’t always be on that side of the coin. If you’re right today, you may be stupid tomorrow. (And doesn’t that thought just warm your heart?)
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Wow Liz. I believe that most times how we speak to others is usually how we speak to ourselves. Imagine how ungodly miserable that man at the ATM must be?? He must say some version of his rant to himself everyday and leaps at any opportunity to turn that self hatred outward.
I often struggle with compassion because I cannot be compassionate with myself. Your post was an excellent reminder to try harder on both fronts.
January 22nd, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Because of past experience with those who’ve passed harsh judgement without knowing all the facts or truth about me or those I love, I really work hard to take blinders off for others. Doesn’t always work but “A” for effort, right?
However, Moms who plow through the hallways at preschool with their jumbo double strollers just piss me off.
January 22nd, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Oh! I do have to say that a kind word can change a person’s entire day.
After a harrowing experience at Target the other day, I was barely holding my 1 yr old and had a death grip on my 3 year old’s hand while still managing to push the cart loaded with groceries across the parking lot. A mailman in his little white truck was approaching us and as he passed, he smiled and said “Good job, Mom!”
Made everything bad that day wash away in that moment of praise.
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Hurray…finally I can see all the comments and leave one! It was not possible for a few minutes there.
AMEN, sister! And let’s include all of us, not just mothers…I’ve caught myself shouting “No, excuse ME!!” in the grocery store when someone rams into me with his or her cart. I stalk away, fuming with righteous indignation.
But what if I’d said it in a less facetious way, in a kinder fashion?
What if that person rammed into me because she was blinded by tears, overwhelmed with life?
What if he bumped me because he was bewildered and lost in the chaos of the store?
What if…what if that was me?
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Always read, never comment but have to this time……Such a great post!
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
so so so true, and thanks for the way you put it. beautifully as always. it was a post that touched on a similar subject on dooce many moons ago (though not as beautifully), and the ensuing comment war (ugly and entirely missing the point) that inspired me to start my new website trying to get moms to share stories, not criticism. may I quote you?
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:53 pm
that is a wonderful post.
Luckily the man gave you your card and your money and he taught you a lesson that you turned into a positive for someone else.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I think we get too busy and wrapped up in ourselves to see that those “inconveniences” (people driving slower than we’d like, blocking our way, whatever) are not all about us.
Very insightful post.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 pm
I was thinking the same as Karin, how miserable that man must be, and I heard the echoes of the past… though it excuses nothing, imagine how someone, probably from the time he was as small as our little ones, called him “fucking, fucking stupid,” and there it festered and now spews out at whomever is in his path. Sad… and I feel, too, for Britney’s wee ones; her youngest was born the same month as my little girl, and I can’t imagine how confusing the maelstrom that is her life must be for him- something is clearly awry in the Spears family, Britney seems so much like a lost little girl who desperately needs to grow up, but she was given no map, no model for how to do that, how to be an adult and a mother. I hope she can find her way to herself, for the sake of her children and her very life… And thank you so much for the reminder to find empathy… really, we are all imperfect and in this crazy boat together…. sometimes we fall out and need a lifeline, even if it’s another mom’s wry grin as we cart our wailing munchkin out of the store, etc, etc….
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 pm
So perfect! So very true
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:53 pm
LORD! I shake my head. How much better would that guy have felt if he would have said - with a smile - “Excuse me Lady, but I think this is yours?” and received the wave of gratitude from you.
I lived for years in Sydney’s inner city, at times in surburbs which have a healthy chuck of haves and not-haves. Ok, homeless, down and outs and yuppies, if you like. And twice I have walked past terraces with keys hanging out of the lock. Keys to their house, and once, the key to a brand spankin’ new VW beetle on the keyring!
People’s front doors in Woolloomooloo in particular are right on the street, so the keys were very obvious. The first house I knocked on to point out the keys I think I was lucky to get away alive - the guy screamed at me “SO WADDA WANT - A FUCKING MEDAL? SLUT!!!!!!!!!” Now let me say I was wearing tracksuit pants and an old jumper with house paint smeared down the front, so I’m not sure what sort of slut I was…and I was so shocked by his reaction I started laughing. “Are you mental?” I managed to get out in betweeen peals of laughter as I walked off. His wife chased after me and thanked me, saying he had just lost his job that afternoon. I said OK, but I’m not a slut. She was nearly crying herself. The second time, the man was in so much shock at the keys being left there he could hardly speak. And both times I walked away feeling a million dollars for helping. I can only imagine how the nutter that gave you your money back felt…
January 23rd, 2008 at 2:18 am
Thank you for this - it is such an important message!
January 23rd, 2008 at 2:21 am
I’m in tears. I’m that mom - the one who can’t get it together, blocking the door way. And I that mom - the one silently, righteously ‘right’. And, sometimes, I’m even that mom - empathetic, sympathetic and helpful. Life is complicated. I think we’re just doing the best we can - to muddle through with our sanity left in tact.
Brittney is an example of someone who wasn’t able to keep her hold on that sanity branch. Poor thing is bing hunted like an animal. That would make anyone crazy!
January 23rd, 2008 at 8:26 am
Liz, is too late for you to get a spot on the presidential primary ballot? I’ll head up your campaign headquarters!!!
January 23rd, 2008 at 11:28 am
Liz, you speak the wisdom of mommy grace here. It is never fun to be self-righteous, it just seems better at the time to Lord it over someone else when we aren’t perfect. Thank you for the beautiful reminder that I get to choose how I engage someone else’s imperfection. It is best when I’m a party of the imperfect - but mighty fine - party. No point missing all the good stuff!
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
As a mother of two small children, it’s shocking how pushy, impatient and angry people can be if we get in their way.
On the other hand, I can count on two (ok, three) hands just today the number of times my thoughts were steaming with anger and impatience at all ‘those stupid people’ while sitting in traffic, at the checkout counter, at work, etc.
Can’t do much about other people, so I guess I should start with myself. As the Buddha said: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Thanks for the post that ’shouts the obvious’ so eloquently.
January 23rd, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Let me join the throng singing your praises for hitting the nail on the head. I’ve heard that nine out of ten drivers think they are “better than average” drivers — we all excuse our own mistakes but other people’s mistakes show that they’re stupid! Thanks for the reminder that we’re just fooling ourselves. Especially as a mother, I am consciously trying to cultivate compassion for others — and myself — so that I can teach my son that it is ok to make mistakes. In fact, it’s wonderful to make mistakes because it shows that we’re alive!
January 23rd, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Most of us are teetering on brink of being overwhelmed much of the time. A knowing glance, kind word, helpful gesture can make all the difference.
January 26th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
So well said. I strive to be encouraging to others but I’m usually blocking the way and too frazzled by my four kids to do more than… well… be in the way.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
As someone who not only messes up regularly and tries to be compassionate, but also at times gets too righteous (but almost never verbally assaultive) I took a lot from your balanced post.
January 30th, 2008 at 1:53 am
Damned right. I am so tired of people assuming the worst of each other and being angry, judgmental, critical, whatever.
Good for you.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Beautiful.
We’re all so flawed.
I AM that mom that shows up 20 minutes late to preschool every day.
I depend on the kindness of strangers regularly, and sometimes they disappoint just like idiot white-pick up guy.
If we as women would show each other our flaws instead of pretending to be perfect, we’d encourage each other along this surreal journey instead of tripping each other as we pass in the corridor.
Much love to you.
May 31st, 2008 at 6:42 pm
That’s a very insightful post. The man in the car, the woman in the corridor, both doing their best in their way. Both not managing in a way. The man clearly has some difficulty in his life or he wouldn’t need to shout obscenities at the person he was helping - but hey, he WAS helping! He was honest and wanted you to have your money.
I try to be kind to people, but sometimes I’m ovewhelmed by the righteous anger too.
April 28th, 2009 at 7:22 am
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