Leave Moms Alone
I can’t quite remember the moment you drove me to stop nursing Ren in public. It was one of those times at the playground or the doctor’s office or maybe waiting for Mare. Renna climbed into my lap and we nursed for those few quiet minutes. You glared at me, or looked disgustedly away and I knew it was time to stop.
In some ways, I’m totally okay with it. The nature of nursing changes when a child reaches toddler stage. It’s just one part of the nurturing and care she receives, and I don’t mind making it a private part for the sake of a little social respect.
The problem is, it’s not enough. You give me dirty looks just for admitting in public to nursing a toddler.
“Nurse, please, Mama?” I said to Ren when she attempted to lift my shirt in the local sandwich shop. I felt a bunch of you around me stiffen.
“PWEASE!” she nodded enthusiastically. — How could you not think that was adorable? How could you not be impressed that I am teaching verbalization, boundaries, manners?
But you were not at all pleased – the walk to the door was a phalanx of hostility and dirty looks. ”That woman is teaching her daughter to ask to breastfeed. Call Emily Post! Call DSS! — This can’t be right.”
The thing is, I’m not wearing a shirt that says “Nurse ’till college or rot in hell.” I’m not nursing her in public and daring you to call me on it. I’m not forcing my choice on you in any way. But it’s not enough.
And the reason it’s not enough is because it’s never enough. If Ren had a bottle, you’d glare because I’ve let her bottle feed too long. If she had a sippy, I’d be ruining her teeth. A plain cup and you’d be on me for letting her make a mess.
You’re all over working mothers for working, and stay at home mothers for staying home. Nursers and formula-feeders feel your merciless insistence that they do it differently — the right way, your way. You harp on us constantly because for some reason criticizing mothers is high sport.
“Did you see about Britney shaving her head?” I heard you snicker to a friend yesterday. “She’s soooo going to lose the kids. And she totally should, who is taking care of them while she parties?”
Who knows? Who knows if she’s a good mom or a bad mom? Who knows what horrible post-partum distress she might be experiencing? Maybe she made a mistake having those kids so fast with that guy in those conditions. One thing that’s clear, she’s a mom who needs help. Leave her the hell alone.
“Elizabeth, your book is such an endorsement for motherhood,” you told me in a radio interview recently. “I just don’t get these women who plop their kids into care just so they can go back to their little cubicles. What’s wrong with them?”
I dunno, maybe they have bills to pay, or careers they love passionately, or maybe they have found lives where they are grateful for every moment with their children — never subjecting them to the drudgery of a mother who resents that she must stay home with them.
Whatever, but leave them alone — and don’t think I’m one of you just because you approve of that particular choice of mine. I promise, if we talk long enough there will be something about me you’ll find plenty scandalous. Leave me alone, too. You had your chance. Or maybe you didn’t. But either way, I’m not your chance.
You want to improve the mothering of the world? — Compliment us when our kids are unusually well-behaved. Speak respectfully to them when they address you so they believe us when we tell them that if they speak properly people will listen.
Smile at us when our toddlers have meltdowns in the market — it’s making us ten times crazier than it’s making you. And maybe let us get ahead of you in the checkout so we can leave and we’ll all have a little peace.
Or maybe don’t do any of that — we can manage just fine without you.
Just leave us alone.
March 19th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Nice Rant! Bad Week?
I agree completely with the “leave me alone because you don’t know me at all” also known in my family as “Step off B**ch!” The judgers are everywhere. We were accosted at a baseball game last year by a couple of busybodies who did not approve of my husband and I both having a beer on a warm summer night while our kids were off playing. Nevermind that they are 12 and 15 years old and don’t really require that much supervision and we weren’t going to be driving afterwards, they just felt like they needed to tell us what to do.
Oh, and don’t get me started on poor Britney. I have really felt bad for her since she first got pregnant and there were these huge headlines on the magazines that she was “so huge she must be having twins”.
March 19th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
AMEN SISTER!!!!!
Thank you for saying everything I think and believe, but have not said out loud!
THANK YOU!!!!
March 19th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
LOVE this post. I have recently returned to work part-time from home, and I’m astonished at the kind of comments people feel free to tell me… many are supportive, but the ones that aren’t REALLY aren’t. I think most mothers/parents struggle with striking a balance that works for their kids AND for them - whether they stay home, work from home, work away from home, what have you. There is SO no easy answer. And for so many working isn’t a choice - it is an economic reality.
It never ceases to amaze me when people offer their unsolicited opinions - don’t they know parenting is frought with anxiety and guilt enough without their help? And why rob me of the joy I experience when I feel my kids are thriving - very rarely do people offer unsolicited words of support… it sounds so cynical, but sadly its true. Moms have to unite - it is so much easier to survive this roller coaster ride that is parenting together.
March 19th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Maybe it’s just Vancouver’s notoriously laidback attitude, but I’ve been nursing my 18 month old in public, and not getting any glares or even stares. The only reason I’d give it up is because he’s such an active nurser and pops off regularly to look around at what’s going on. It’s obvious that he’s not really hungry, he just wanted some lap time. Ignore the stares from strangers — keep right on nursing!
March 19th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Oh and about Britney? She embodies, for better or worse, this tendency to judge mothers. She has absolutely made some mistakes, we all have, she just has to play them out on the world’s stage. As someone who had really bad post partum depression after my first kid - I understand how you can go a bit crazy. I hope for her sake she gets all the help she needs to face whatever she is going through head-on and then move on…
March 19th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Amen Momma, Amen.
March 19th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
And Another Amen!
March 19th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
I’m giving you a standing slow clap right now! Well said!
March 19th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Yes, yes, yes.
March 19th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Amen! I’m still nursing my soon-to-be two year old, although I have cut out the in public. It’s a shame that mothering has turned into such a competition. Like I have time to come up with a defense for my behaviour that someone doesn’t agree with.
March 19th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Amen from this mother, too. I work because, well, as a single mom if I don’t work my kids don’t eat. Not much room for discussion there. (Also I like it, and I didn’t like staying home, but we’ll not discuss that right now). Why people think there is any need for their opinion in my universe, I don’t know.
Thanks for saying so eloquently what I have thought for years.
March 19th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Liz — I couldn’t agree with you more. I nursed my daughter until she was 21 months old, and would have loved to have nursed longer, but I, too, gave into social pressure. Even my husband felt the pressure to “wrap it up” and he then, gave polite pressure back onto me. Although I had stopped nursing her in public for a several months, the pressure was still there from family who knew I was still nursing.
It was such an incredible, loving time to have with her, and I believe that experience changed us both forever. Everyone comments on how exceptionally smart and happy my daughter is, and I can’t help but think that all that precious time nursing her contributed to how she is today.
Others might not be proud of me for breastfeeding my daughter, but I feel it’s my single greatest accomplishment. I’ll never regret a single moment of it.
March 19th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Amen, sister!
March 19th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Hell to the yeah!
I know a few people who think it’s “weird” that I “still” nurse my almost 17-month-old.
Tough titties!
Ha ha.
March 19th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
You go girl!!!
Couldn’t have said it better myself
Liz run for president.
March 19th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Ouch.
I can’t wait for the post that explains what brought that on. Weds, perhaps? =)
March 19th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
The thing about Britney is that she’s a couple of years older than I am — AND she’s got kids. AND a divorce. AND cameras all up in her face all the time. That’s a freaking lot, and being in your early 20’s is a freaking lot as it is.
I don’t have kids or a major relationship to worry over/repair/end. It’s just me. And if you filmed me day in and day out? You wouldn’t see me head lollingly drunk or shaving my head. But you would see me doing plenty, PLENTY of things that are selfish and screwed up because I’m still trying to learn how to be a grown up, how to be a good person — I’m just doing the best I can under my own circumstances and that, well, that’s humanity, and to judge someone for freaking being human is LAME. I’m under enough scrutiny and I’m judged enough without the cameras. How she’s managed this far under them is beyond me. She deserves to be left alone.
(Yeah, sorry, this probably would have been better ranted on my own blog, but, well, heat of the moment.)
March 19th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
I love you Liz. Truly madly deeply. Better be careful though…I’d hate to be one of *those* mothers {rolling my eyes}.
Peace and love and happy nurtzing.
March 19th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
I used to have opinions about nursing a toddler before I was a mother to a toddler; now I know better. It is totally between the mother and her child to decide when to nurse, how often to nurse, where to nurse, and to what age. My daughter is 18 months old and breastfeeding is still a wonderful experience that we both enjoy. When we are ready we will stop and no one else is going to make that decision for us!!
There is a lot of pressure to stop from “others” out there though and that includes family and friends as well as opinionated strangers.
I agree: Leave Moms Alone!!!!
March 19th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
BTW my 18 month old daughter loves to take care of her baby doll and part of that care includes lifting her shirt and breastfeeding her baby. It is too cute for words!!!
March 19th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
I got a lot of shocked responses from family members when I decided to tandem nurse for my first and second born children. I definitely needed support to go through with it in the face of a lot of disapproval. For anyone else looking for tandem nursing support, this group helped me tremendously: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/tnl/
March 19th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
I really am amazed at the number of people that feel lik it is their duty to weigh in on other mother’s parenting decisions. I used to frequent a parenting message board. I had to stop because I got ripped apart for even daring to suggest (1) that I find my daughter’s nap schedule restrictive, (2) that I might adjust her nap schedule on the weekends to be more convenient, or (3) that I might NOT adjust her nap schedule. I got flamed for not just being happy that my baby napped at all because colic-fussy-no nap-blah blah blah and also, I should NOT let my child dictate the entire family’s schedule because entitled-spoiled-blah blah blah
Who’s right? Who cares? I am doing the best I can every day for my family. (Well, almost every day. I have to admit sometimes I only give 50% and Blue’s Clues gives the other 50%)
March 19th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
I love you! You have so eloquently said what so many of us feel. Thank you, momma.
March 19th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Yes, Yes, Exactly!
March 19th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I hate how mothers are judged so often. And sadly, it’s mothers that often does the judging. We already beat up ourselves too much, the last thing we need to do is make another mother feel bad for her choices. Why does it have to be the woman that takes blame on how the child is being raised and when a father changes a diaper or feeds HIS child the same bottle the mother used he is praised on how involved he is?
March 19th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
I haven’t nursed my daughter since she was 9 months old… a choice I had to make in order to work 45 hours a week. Call me scandalous - a career-driver mother who deprived her daughter and stopped nursing before 12 months, but god forbid if she had nursed more then 3 more months. No matter what the choices are, they’re never good enough for the rest of the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for voicing this “thing” that we mother have to deal with day after day after day after year… all I want is a little peace in which to screw my children up as best as I can… and do it with as much love as humanly possible. This post is the reason that I read your blog religiously. AMEN!!
March 19th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
I nurse my 15 mo son. Nobody gets it. And nobody got my VBAC either, but frankly do not care anymore. I am doing the best I can and clearly I am not the only one. More than anything I feel blessed.
You guys rock!
March 19th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Amen!
With all the stuff in the news lately about the “childfree” movement, this post couldn’t have come at a better time.
March 19th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
thank god for you elizabeth. you are part of the reason that i am still sane after having mila and then having to go back to work. i wish i could stay at home with her and spend all of my time with her but i know for my situation it was one of necessity. i had a ton of bills to pay and there was no way i could have just not worked.
i used to get weird looks when mila would need to nurse whilst we were in public. i just looked those people straight in the eye until they looked away. they have no business staring nor do they have a right to judge me and what i choose to do to nourish my child. mila to this day still asks to have the “boobies” every once in awhile. it’s a comfort thing for her. we nursed til she was about 2.5 years old. apart of me misses that closeness but we have other ways of remaining close - cuddling, hugging, kisses, holding hands.
people who judge us should try and step in our shoes for even 10 minutes. thank you elizabeth for this post.
March 19th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
That’s about as true as true gets. Sorry you are in a position where you feel you have to remind the public of boundaries. Funny how we take care to reinforce these things with our kiddos, but it’s the adults who seem to have forgotten. I say treat them like the children they are — those “helpful” strangers. Give them your best “don’t mess with me” mommy look and remind them that they could learn a thing or two from your [brilliant!] children.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Thats A Awesome Rant right there, to often people forget, My little one was having a complete fit the other day in the grocery store and this lady behind me was acutally Nice and I heard her little boy say “Was I like that when I Was little” and she Gleefully said “Ohhh Yeah, you were terrible” lol to often I think people really suck lately.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
what a great post! i’m not usually a big commenter, but this one deserves a nod!
i agree. there will always be something that people find wrong with how you parent. even when you’re a good parent, it’s not always recognized. one of my favorites is when people tell me how “lucky” i am to have such a well behaved child. no. i’m not “lucky”, i’m a good parent. there’s a difference. a BIG difference.
March 19th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
wait..radio interview? where? when? is there a clip somewhere we can listen to?
and about the post, what can i say..soooo true!
March 19th, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Thank you for another great post. I don’t have kids yet, so I really try to refrain from saying anything to anyone else about their kids. But perception is a tough thing. When I was younger and talked about having kids it was always “but your so young!”. Now after 9 years of marriage and turning 28 its “So, are you going to have kids?” We’re trying to be responsible and make sure that our life is somewhat straight before tackling that particular responsibility. We’ve sorta started trying now, but I haven’t even told my mom because I’m afraid of her reaction; every time I get on the phone with her she wants to know when I’m going to go back to college. And I don’t have the guts to tell her college isn’t a priority.
March 19th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
Totally relating; totally feeling for you! When my son was about 3, he had a complete meltdown on the bus one morning. We were stuck for 45 minutes with a busload of commuters, who had been riding with us for months (and he was almost always very well-behaved) and NOT ONE OF THEM would even make eye contact with me. If just one person had said “oh my god, I remember what three was like!” it would have been ok. As it was, I was was so undone by the entire experience that we switched to another bus after that. (And just for the record, we nursed - often in public - till he was 14 months old. I was ready to go a lot longer, but he weaned himself.) Keep on keeping on - you know your kid and you know what’s right for you!
March 19th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
You said it. I feel judged constantly, especially when my 2 year old son is having a meltdown in public (Hey, we try to not take him out very often but really, he HAS to appear in public occasionally.)
I’ve had a couple (old fogeys) turn around in church and say “its a shame your kids are so loud” (when I thought they were being pretty good.)
I also had an old lady shake her head in disgust as K threw a tantrum at the mall. I was on my way out (because of the tantrum) and was ticked anyway at having to deal with him, then to see her shaking her head. I approached her and said “do you think that helps?” She said it was just horrible that I would allow my child to behave that way. HER kids never did. I said “Must be nice to be perfect” and stalked away before I hit the delusional old bat.
March 19th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Thank you! I had all kinds of breastfeeding issues and was only able to nurse my daughter for 4 months; I felt guilty bottlefeeding her in public afraid that other moms would judge me for doing what is “second best” for her. No matter what choices you make, there is plenty of guilt to go around in this motherhood thing. And that is why I read your blog: you make me feel less guilty about those choices and give me the encouragement to keep going. So ignore all of those dirty looks and know that there are lots of us who support you (and wish we could be nursing our toddlers!). Keep up the good work!!
March 19th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
you could not have said this better!
Wouldnt it be a better place for the children being raised if the mothers supported eachother instead of trying to tear eachother down!
March 19th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Wonderful post, Damomma! I couldn’t agree more. It never ceases to amaze me how judgmental mothers can be, and it frustrates me because if there was ever a group of people that should support one another it’s us mothers! This is one of the reasons I stay away from most parenting boards. It seems no matter what I do, some one thinks I’m doing it wrong and damaging my kid. Well, all I have to do is see the way my son’s face lights up when he sees me to know that I’m doing a pretty good job.
March 19th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
I’m so sorry you got the nasty look for breastfeeding in public. I am always so pleased when I see you talk about still nursing Ren. I breastfed my oldest for 22 months (in public! in front of Boy Scouts, even!) and will nursed my baby (now 9 months) until he self weans. I think it’s wretched that these narrow-minded idiots would criticize something so natural, normal, and necessary for health.
March 19th, 2007 at 10:57 pm
*B*R*A*V*O*
March 19th, 2007 at 11:06 pm
This post could not have come at a better time for me. I just got off the phone with my mother with whom I was discussing which meds would and wouldn’t dry up my milk. Her response to this was “Would it be so bad if your milk dried up? I mean…it’s not like she needs to nurse anymore. This could be your way out.” My daughter will be a year old on the 31st. My mother knows full well I plan to nurse her for 2 years.
Thank you.
P.S. I read this to my husband and he asked me to email it to him so he can re-read it and comment on it. Thanks for speaking for all of us parents, moms and dads alike!
March 19th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
That is the best and truest thing I’ve read in a very long time. Plaster it in bathroom stalls, on billboards, and in every newspaper across the US!
March 20th, 2007 at 12:00 am
Amen!! This should be published in a paper or magazine or something. So So true, this is why I love you damomma!
March 20th, 2007 at 1:36 am
“Those who live in glasshouses shouldn’t throw stones.”
Corny and cliched but actually good advice. I’ll admit I’m not up on all the latest gossip on Britney. I don’t really care. That’s her life. I’ve got my own and it’s crazy enough to be a sitcom itself.
Just reminds me of a mother of three I saw one Halloween on the bus. I was headed to pick up my daughter who had just turned 4 and was still pregnant with my son. This poor woman was trying VERY hard to make her two oldest sit still on the bus and keep the third who was in a stroller from fussing too much. The oldest was probably about 6 and the youngest about 3. Needless to say she wasn’t having a lot of success. My only thought as I sat there was that was probably going to be me in a couple years.
March 20th, 2007 at 3:29 am
F*** them Liz. You do what you know is right for your family when they need it. Go with your gut instinct and your beautiful children will win every time.
March 20th, 2007 at 8:18 am
A-freaking-men.
March 20th, 2007 at 9:06 am
A really fantastic post.
March 20th, 2007 at 9:15 am
Breastfeeding didn’t work for me and my kids, but I still got all the stares and guilt for bottle feeding. It was really tough to be told that I was doing a disservice to my child. Parenthood comes with enough of it’s own guilts and pressures.
March 20th, 2007 at 9:54 am
Brava!!
March 20th, 2007 at 10:22 am
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 20th, 2007 at 10:56 am
A-freaking-men.
March 20th, 2007 at 11:19 am
A WONDERFUL article. So glad someone pointed me to your blog. I have told my husband a million times: “As a mother, I will never win.” He doesn’t get it, but your wonderful rant put into words exactly what I was trying to express to him. Thank you, Thank you!!
March 20th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Amen.
And extra kudos for the fifth to last paragraph. I’m so glad someone finally said that.
March 20th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Thank you so much for saying what I have believed for so long. I had to hear grief for co-sleeping, breastfeeding in Panera’s and speaking in baby talk to my son. But the point is, he is MINE. It always seems there is a friend, family member, or complete insensitive stranger to tell me exactly what I’m doing wrong. I appriciate your post in so many ways. Thank you!
March 20th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Thank you!! I want to print that out and personally hand it to the Principal and V ice Principal at my son’s high school. They routinely throw in my face that I am a single mom. And they are female.
Thank you!! Thank you!!
March 20th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
lovely. as always. I got a ton of negative comments when I stopped breasfeeding a switch to soy. Ummmm hellllooo??? lactose-intolerant, anyone?
It was difficult for me to give it up, even though I knew it was better for his health. I wish I could have breasfed longer, but I know that I made the best desicion for my child.
You don’t even want to know how many people told me that he ‘would have gotten better’ and that I was ‘killing him’ of having a decent future. I cried too much about it.
=)
March 20th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Great post. I don’t understand what it is about breast feeding that is so bothersome to people. You are awful if you don’t do it, but if you do it for longer than a year, then all those people seem to turn on you. But, I don’t care either. I’m still nursing my 30 month old, and I say the heck with what everyone thinks (even my own mother).
March 20th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
I weaned my oldest when he was twelve months old because people made me think it was long overdue, and I still regret this decision. My second weaned himself at 11½ months because there was nothing left. I like to think he got what he needed. But I nursed my third son for 3 years. And only in the last six months I quit nursing in public because I felt he got to old to nurse.
Now I am mostly proud and thankful I was able to nurse them. Only my second son has had one bottle of formula when I was in the hospital for treatment and he was left very very hungry in the care of some nurse.
March 20th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Thank you so much! That post hit the nail on the head for how I feel most days. It seems like us moms can never do right in some people’s eyes.
March 20th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
I know, I am a guy so it invalidates me some. However, my wife read me this blog entry last night and I wanted to show my support of both her and you. I give you two thumbs WAY UP!
March 20th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Brilliant! This was a wonderful post, just what I needed. I just came back to work yesterday leaving my 6 week old at home with her daddy. It’s hard and I miss her, but I am working to finish my degree and make sure she has all the things she’ll ever want and need. We all just do the best we can, thank you for making that statement so eloquent!
March 20th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
I hope you don’t mind, but I couldn’t resist linking to this post. You summed up so many feelings that so many of us struggle with, and you did it so very articulately. Thank you!
March 20th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Right on, sister!
March 20th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
very well written. And Amen about supporting other mothers.
March 20th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
You go girl.
I have seen where at least one other person mentioned that it’s usually other mothers judging so harshly, and I must say I agree.
March 20th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
I did not breast feed my son, because I didn’t feel it was the right choice for me. However, many friends of mine breastfed their children for as long as they chose, without me batting an eyelash. The joke used to be that I seen their boobs more than I seen my own. With all of the people that feel the necessity to impart their *wisdom* on us, it’s suprising that we all continue to have children. Mommy wars need to stop. I am very conscious of what I say to other ppl and always try to give a sympathetic look to the woman with the screaming child in the grocery store, and hoping that I get the same in return next time my 19 month old decides to throw the world’s largest tantrum in the middle of church.
March 20th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Thank you.
March 20th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
1). I’m sending you the biggest cyber-hug ever.
2). Screw ‘em. You do your thang. There’s plenty of people who love you just the way you are.
March 20th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Thanks for the nice comments. I love hearing from all of you. It was an especially satisfying rant to write.
Nothing particularly set this off — just the usual string of events that leave me wondering why-oh-why do people pick on mothers so much? I guess because our job is important.
And I think you’re right — the worst offenders are mothers themselves. I think it can be very tempting to conclude that just because you found the thing that works for you it must be the thing that works for everyone.
And what’s worse — that high level of criticism we feel makes us all so hesitant to ask for help, to admit fault, to accept the feedback we all do need once in a while.
Thanks to all the Dads for chiming in, too. We’re all tough on you guys sometimes and there’s nothing better in the world than a Partner Daddy to hang in there with us.
March 20th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
Thank you!
March 20th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
Totally NOT in defense of people who shun bf or parents of children having tantrums (I am both - several times a day) but I will say I often DO look away when I see either in public only because I am afraid any look I am giving a person will be mistaken. Trying to convey sympathy or support could be taken as pity or contempt and I am so afraid of sending the wrong message that I avoid sending any message at all.
The thing about having your parenting commented upon is that it is such an important job to each of us that it automatically pierces right through you. I had a preschool teacher once tell me I was “setting [my daughter] up to fail” because I insisted on going to her when she cried out for me after I dropped her off. It was a huge moment for me because #1 I never felt closer to physically harming a person on purpose (she was standing between me and my daughter literally) #2 I never felt more sure that the unpopular decision was the absolute best for me and I would never EVER doubt myself again. I still dislike that woman for just this one incident.
I work with new moms and I try to give them a gentle heads up about the judgement that goes on and to be secure in their instincts, yadda yadda. There just is no way to give a gentle heads up for the war they are entering or the aim-to-kill words people can deliver with a smile that will drop you to your knees.
Sorry for the rant. Love the post. Obviously struck an enormous chord in anyone who has ever been a parent.
March 20th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
My son threw an enormous fit in a store and one of THOSE people stooped down and said something nasty to his face. His response while he was flailing and screaming?
He smacked her clear across the face. She looked at me, horrified, and my response was,
“If you are stupid enough to put your face so close to a stranger’s tantruming kid and tell him off, you deserve what you get.”
We still laugh about it!
March 21st, 2007 at 6:16 am
Absolutely brilliant - THANK YOU!!
March 21st, 2007 at 9:42 am
No, I will not leave you alone - but only because I’d be the one saying, “Liz, look how adorable she is. She asked SO politely. Would it be so bad to nurse her now instead of waiting until you get home? How can you resist that pouty lip and big eyes!?”
No, seriously, you’re absolutely right. And I also feel horribly for Britney and LOVED dooce’s entry on her.
March 21st, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Thanks for this post. I’m due with my first baby in 26 days, and I appreciate the heads-up. I never realized how hard it can be to parent! People can be so terribly judgemental! I have such respect for moms and dads now, and I guess I’m going to have to toughen up.
Thanks again.
March 22nd, 2007 at 11:02 am
Thank you so much for this post. You have eloquently summed up thoughts I, as a single mum of two small girls, have had for a long time.
Love your blog.
Thanks again.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:25 pm
i DO agree that mothers are sometimes the harshest critics of other mothers.
just seems like no matter what choice you make, someone is going to judge you for it.
if you really want to feel judged, try getting pregnant with number 3!
i don’t know what it is about #3, but it freaks people out. our experience was that it didn’t matter that we WANTED another child, people just assumed we’d made a mistake–”did you plan this? you do know how this happens, right?”
and my all-time favorite:
“are you catholic?”
no, i’m not. and yes, my hands are full–they used to be empty!!!
March 22nd, 2007 at 5:02 pm
You do such a great job of putting into words what so many feel. Whatever works for me may not work for you and vise versa. I truly think that the fine art of self-editing has been lost.
My only comment about Brittany…it’s her own g-damn hair and she can do whatever it is she wants. Who knows if the kids had anything at all to do with it?? (Although I’ve wanted to tear mine out on some of the more challenging days…)
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:51 am
Where is the LOVE these days, right? I am so baffled as to why we have to continually be so judgmental regarding nourishing mothering activities. Since becoming a mom I’ve learned that almost all of my preconceptions were one-sided. I didn’t breastfeed but I admire those who did! That kind of commitment, that kind of willingness to endure public stares and frowns…that’s courage.
March 24th, 2007 at 12:00 am
A. Men.
I have ranted on these very subjects, though not nearly as eloquently as you have done here. And when I do so within earshot of my husband, he reminds me of the mantra he developed while I was pregnant the first time around:
“Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em right in the ear.”
It has served me well on many occasions. Though I may have to stop saying it out loud, since my daughter is becoming quite the mimic.
April 9th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
THANK you for this post! I’m so glad to have run across it. I’m still nursing my 18-month-old and, yes, didn’t expect to be, but, no, wouldn’t change it for the world. Sometimes I feel very alone, but I’m in good company now.
December 24th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
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April 24th, 2008 at 11:13 am
[…] the Side Amen. N’at.: This post (old, not current) says everything I want to say right now. While it’s somewhat encouraging […]
April 24th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I don’t know why but this piece made me tear up.
I found myself nodding and crying all the way through.
Thanks for writing